Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I had a very similar situation about a year and 1/2 at a coffee shop. I know that's seems like a long time to still be thinking about it, but I don't normally meet men I have that much of a connection with, or that I like that much. It was a fluke encounter that will never happen again. It burns.

 

I've been going through some really rough patches within the last few years and I'm kinda glad that I don't have a significant other. I can only foresee that it would have been one more thing that didn't end well. Even right now it still probably wouldn't be a great thing. I don't want to be like "it's was for the best", because that seriously irritates me. But in reality, right now, it's a good thing.

 

One reason my encounter went over my head is because--while I'm open to meeting people--I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm more interested in improving myself and my circumstances before I invite someone to share in my life, or to create a life together. Most women I've talked to (certainly not all) don't want a busted up knight with a limp, no horse, a weak money purse, and a tendency to freelance in his local village rather than have a steady income.

Right now, I think I'm just passing through my current village, so I'm not looking to get attached to anyone in it. That's not to say I avoid meeting people, but I'm also not looking for a relationship that's going to end once I pick up and move out west.

 

As someone who did have a significant other during rough patches... Yeah, I think it's a better thing to be single. Thing with all of this stuff, all mental health related things, is that you really need to be able to focus on yourself. It's next to impossible to do that when you have a partner. My partner ended up being an excuse to just not fix anything, made me excuse the problems that I have, got me in a mindset of doing everything tomorrow; because things are fine right now, I don't need to change, I don't need to fix anything because she's happy and so I must be ok and, well, whatever. Tomorrow. If things are bad tomorrow, then maybe I'll do something but definitely not today. And of course, what happens if I change and she doesn't like who I am anymore? God she's been with me through so much isn't it selfish of me to fix my shit?

I guess you might say that we are still in the process of breaking up (gotta love those long leases) but in the end I kinda felt I had to. Because I wasn't happy, and I hadn't been happy for a long time, and there's problems going back years that I've never even tried to fix because it was just so easy to do nothing.

 

That's basically were I am right now, just trying to get my life together. It can upsetting at times, because I say to myself 'I'm this old and don't have much to show for it', when I see my friends are getting married, or are marred with kids, and have a house, which is great for them. And yes, I've been told a million times not to compare myself to other people. I know I've been through a lot crap, had some very disappointing setbacks, and considering that I'm not doing bad for myself, but it still stings. And pretending that I'm at a point where I'm 'in a good place' I'm still not certain I would want a relationship. I really like living on my own.

That's exactly the type of crap that would mess with me.

I'd say this is very true of women, particularly if they want to eventually start a family, but even if they don't.

 

*nods* I was supposed to be a father by now. I was supposed to have a proper job. I was supposed to have done so much that I kinda just haven't because it was easy to do nothing and oh good lord do I have problems focusing on anything for more than two minutes, particularly when it comes to putting my self first. I don't feel bad because I've seen other people succeed (in fact I haven't really - can I get a high five for the useless degree club?) I feel bad because it's taken me until thirty to even start dealing with stuff I should have dealt with before I was twenty. I feel I've squandered years of my life because I kinda have, I'm just coming out of the relationship that I've had since I was nineteen and while I did, and in some respects still do, love her our relationship has gone kinda nowhere. We were both just keeping our heads down for years on end. What I've needed for years has been a real kick up the arse but as long as I stayed with my ex I was never going to get it, I was never going to try and make myself more than I was.

And, well, no I'm not really in a good place just yet. I'm thirty and my parents will be paying my rent for the foreseeable future and let me tell you I do not feel good about that. It's preferable to living with them, but it's still something of a smack to my pride. And in the coming months I will just kinda be... Well, starting again. But there's lots of stuff that I need to deal with, finally. But it's the start of a journey, and it's going somewhere and at least that's better than going nowhere. Am I in a good place? No. A better place? No, not yet. But I couldn't stay where I was and the thinking that made me try to is the problem. I need to go find a doctor and deal with my head problems, I need to actually get my writing out there, I need to find a better job and I want to come out the other side as a better person for it. I want to come out the other side as someone who I actually want to be without being really high a decent chunk of the time, and dealing with the fallout of that the rest of the time.

It's true of people. Relationships shouldn't be about fixing your partners problems, something that again it's taken me a long time to figure out. It's in my nature to feel like it's up to me to make things happen; I'm the guy so I'm supposed to be the one supporting us and thus my ex's problems were my problems because I couldn't fix it. But that's crap. A relationship can't be a project or a hobby; it can't be a life belt or a set of training wheels either. You can be in a relationship and have problems, but you need to be solving them for you. And if your problems stop you having relationships, you still need to solve them for you. Not so you can pick up chicks in the future. So you can be happy as a person. It turns out that you find relationships when you aren't looking for them. You stumble sideways into someone and discover you're nuts about them. But you need to be ok with yourself. If you're comfortable and happy and self-reliant; people will come to you.

 

Do you mean a useless degree from a university? I could probably make a good argument for why my degree is useful, but I could also make an argument for it not being. Right now it's useless for me when it comes to getting paid, haha.

FYI, that wasn't meant to be critical of women. I happen to be one. If anything I'm critical of all homo sapian sapains, but probably more sympathetic than some of my peers.

 

My mentor said it well: "You be you, but be the best you that you can be." I don't want a relationship where she ends up being my mother or my therapist. I want an ally who can help me solve the problems I face, and I can help her, but neither of us is going to let the other solve all the problems. Right now I'm still figuring out how to get my shit together on a "wake up on time and brush your teeth and pay your bills" level. That's the kind of thing she can't help me with.

I've gotten over any shame I feel about being 32 and struggling with those things, which was a big hurdle to get over. I spent decades around people ("friends" and relatives) who would kick me in my metaphorical nuts for not knowing how to function. Then I met my mentor, and he threw me in the pool and taught me to teach myself how to swim in the way that works for me. I still struggle, but I cut people out of my life who expect me to have it all together like they supposedly do.

I'll be looking for a relationship when I've developed habits that allow me to function for myself in a successful way. I know what that looks like and I'm working toward it. Every now and again someone comes along and says, "You don't have it together yet? What's wrong with you?" I've learned it's okay to kick them in their metaphoricals, cut them out of my life, and waddle on my merry way.

My mentor is concerned with helping me make progress for me. He doesn't want me to be like him, and what works for him doesn't always work for me. Instead of kicking me for it, he helps me figure out what does work, and encourages me to stick to my plan until the plan doesn't work. I used to be much worse than I am, but I'm still not at the point where I could be.

That's okay.

I invite people into my life--into my inner circle--who will encourage me, who have the grace to recognize I'm making progress, who gently remind me of the plan I've decided upon. I don't respond well to "tough love," to unforgiving standards, or to people who think there's no good reason I shouldn't be self-sufficient by now. I'm not, but I will be. Not today, probably not tomorrow, but damn it, I'll get there. I'm just not going to invite anyone to be my Ladybird until I've gotten to that point, because it's unfair to expect her to deal with my current shortcomings.

I'm content to waddle on my own for a while for myself. I'd love to have a Ladybird by my side, but only when I'm in a position to lift her up, not be a weight around her neck.

 

Yeah I meant a university degree. I have two and I still can't pay my rent *shrug*. My time at uni wasn't useless; I had a really good time. But in terms of actual qualification it was worth a whole lot of nothing.

Then you have my apologies. When I hear guys talk like that, well, it rankles at me because it's people that are terrible and it's tiring to see (what appeared to be) someone lumping it at the feet of one gender or other.

 

Yeah, I just realized that probably didn't come off as matter-of-fact as I meant it, and I can see why. seriously though, the first thought I had about this had something to do more with evolutionary behavior than anything else.

 

Right. If you need a therapist, seek a real therapist. If you need a mother then find a mother, but for god's sake don't have sex with her (seriously, your therapist will be very unhappy with you).

I'm not quite totally the opposite, but I do need a different kind of love. I need to be challenged. Not necessarily someone who'll chew me out for screwing up, because that'll just make me push them away. But I do need someone who'll say to me "You think you're a great writer? Go prove it.". In my ground state I will just do nothing forever. I have a huge amount of energy and huge amount of ability, I just am terrible at applying it by myself, at finding meaningful things to do with it. A big part of that is because I don't stick with things; I never take the time to get really good at anything or to see things through in the long term. That's what I need some external sense of staandards to meet. Because I can meet them. I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. Just me by myself has never really been able to set my mind on anything. That's the story of my life; so much potential and so little to show for it. People think I'm being maudlin (or drunk) when I say that I've never done anything I'm proud of. But it's kinda true. I know with everything I've done I've never done them as well as I could have if I had focused. I've done really well at some things but I still leave them to the last minute and I know I could have done a whole lot better; and that makes every victory feel phyrric. Because I got through, ok, fine, but I could always have done better. And having someone who won't let me scrap by, who I need to elevate myself to meet; yeah that's what I need. And I know that because I've been out with someone like that and holy shit was I a force to be reckoned with then. And for years all I've done ever since is tell everyone how much I missed her. Seriously, it's been almost ten years! And it's only now that I'm actually getting over her; because I'm just about finding out how to make myself want to be better. Some of that is pharmaceutical (I'm almost certain I have ADD that's never been treated) but some of that is in my head and figuring out that I can make myself do things that I care about, that I'm not just going to be stuck doing nothing forever.

 

Ooo are words like hypergamy looming large over this conversation? I suspect this is not quite the thread for that

 

I just studied way too hard and college and now my brain is a little bent.

 

Good for you. I got drunk, did drugs and got laid when I went to college. I cannot even begin to tell you how bad a decision that was.

 

It sounds like we're actually fairly similar, in terms of having potential and ability. I do relish challenge, but it depends on how that challenge is delivered.

My "friends" and relatives in the past would say, "You'll never be good enough. You think you can become that? You can't, because you're lazy, inept, stupid, etc." That was their version of "love," wherein they expected me to prove them wrong. All it did was grind me to a pulp.

My mentor and the people in my life offer encouragement, but they also get me to challenge myself. "You want to be an author? Okay, let's look at your goals to accomplish that, see if they're realistic, tweak them as needed, and get you started." It's really more that they encourage me to challenge myself. Left on my own, I'm just a flailing mess of hopes and dreams that never get anywhere. With people to encourage me, I know I can do better, and I rise to meet the standards I set for myself, not someone else's standards.

 

Which is one reason I don't put up with much criticism from people on that front. My mentor will let me assess myself.

"Are you where you wanted to be by now?"

If not, why not?

He's taught me to distinguish between assessment of myself and self-defeating criticism. I used to think, "I'm not where I wanted to be because I'm a stupid person." Now I consider what got in the way of my progress, so I can pick my targets, put them down, and move forward.

 

I tend to prove people wrong by headbutting them when they attempt that sort of thing

Encouragement doesn't really do a whole lot for me. I find it patronizing. Neither does having other people help me set goals or really helping me at all. And talking generally about my problems makes me feel self-indulgent because I'm talking and not doing something. What works for me is giving me an objective and letting me go hell for leather at it. I excel at solving problems and finding creative ways through them. I get a huge kick from doing things that other people think isn't possible; doing them my way. When I can work on instinct and be in the moment with something; that's when I really kick ass. But I need someone to direct all of that; give me a direction and something to strive for.

 

You still graduated? Can't say I would have it I had done all those things.
It took me a really long time to get through my undergrad, life and health issues. When I was accepted into a program I made the most of it. Though, I'm probably more neurotic and paranoid about people because of college. It was not a fun experience, but I really believed it was were I was meant to be. I questioned that now for reasons that have nothing to do with getting a job or not. Part of me still believes in the initial reasons I chose the field I did, and a think that's more important than the reasons I'm disenchanted with it. I'm still pursing a career in it. Things just didn't happen the way I thought they would. Some of it's do to my lack of foresight.

 

As I've said elsewhere in this thread; I tend to be very good at things when I focus on them. I didn't focus as much as I should, not even close(again, story of my life), but in the brief windows I could focus I got so much done I still came out fine. I got top marks in my year both at undergrad and post grad for my dissertations; it was everything else that I just couldn't be bothered with. And hence why I spent a long time seeking intoxication and excitement, which for me means weird girls with daddy issues.

 

I deal with tons of anxiety all over the place. I always get this terrible feeling if I start doing things that I'll waste time and get sucked into it. I feel like there isn't enough hours in the day. I feel like posting on my blog but worried people who care so what's the point?

It's so hard to do much of anything when my mind is constantly screaming "DON'T"

 

Hello, anxiety.

Yes, I see you. You creeping in there. I know, I’ll be spending all day with family for Thanksgiving, my dad coughing his head off. I know you’ll make me think that he’s puking blood/dying. Or think about the American healthcare system. I know. You already have me thinking him dead and buried already, with me a depressed man hating life in general.

I can already feel you clamping around my stomach, gripping the back of my head, strangling my windpipe.
I know you’re trying to cloud my thinking. Drive me irrational. So here’s what we’re gonna do: You’re coming with me, but you get to sit in the caboose. You can scream all you want, give me all the horrible images and “visions of the inevitable future” that you want...but I’m not gonna listen.

You get to not have turkey. You get to not hang out with me and my family. You get to not enjoy doing the things I like.

Glad we had this talk, anxiety.

- John Flukinger

 

I've struggled to put into words why my anxiety skyrockets on days like today. Here's how it'll be:

• People will be stressed from over-preparing for a meal, or from traveling.
• Family members will be depressed because Mom passed away in '13 and it's "just not the same."
• Other family members will exude a faux thankfulness they don't express the rest of the time.
• I'll be expected to join in religious traditions. I believe in and need God. Religion can suck a...yeah.
• I'll be scolded for politely trying to not participate in said traditions and "embarrassing the family."
• Others will politicize the holiday through their own biases. Both sides are wrong.
• I'll be chewed out for the slightest signs of anxiety. Family members will say, "Stop being bipolar."

Stars and stones, if I'd have been smart, I'd have said I already had plans for Thanksgiving. Never mind those plans would involve a good book, a good beer, and staying the hell away from anything to do with Thanksgiving.