I'm at the point where Vincent and Blair are talking about the metaphorical monsters they keep in the closet. Previously, I was going to have Blair traumatized as a child after she witnesses the murder of her mother and sister. She's able to function in spite of it, after many years of therapy, but she still struggles with paranoia and a need for control when she meets Vincent. I'm not sure that's going to work, though, mostly because I can't think why anyone would want to invade Blair's home and murder half her family. Blair's father was an Episcopal priest at the time of the murders. Before seminary, he was in the Special Boat Service. He moved from Scotland to Colorado, USA to start a church. I really struggle for a reason anyone would target his family, even coincidentally. Would it be enough that they're robbers who invade the home and they end up killing people?
Yes you can have an in home burglary that moved into murder. It happens. Depends on whether the burglars are desperate or have some kind of plan that devolves into more than simply stealing stuff. It could add a bit of randomness to their life, and criminals are kinda dumb and will do anything they can think of, if it means they won't get caught. Though if you feel that it is a good idea to add a little extra excitement into your story, then go right ahead. Couldn't hurt to at least give it a go, and see if it works with your storyline.
Bingo. Kill it. That one's a layup. You're probably going to need to kill more than a few darlings with the home invasion, imprisoned priest, homeless shelter, mysterious Padre, and Zombie onslaught (not to mention you're overpowered kitchen, haha). Not saying you can't do it or anything, but throwing all that in one soup pot will be a lot for the reader to absorb and take seriously. If the home invasion thing is jumping out at you, it should probably be the first to go. You can still have the father in prison if you want to. He'll need another crime in the backstory, but you have an opportunity to pick something that can reveal character later on. And if the MC needs to have PTSD there are other ways to frame it. That's because it's an obvious plot hole. Not saying you have to cut it, but you're going to need to cut something at some point. And if this is what's bothering you now, I'd say start there. The alternative is to concoct some reason why the tragedy of the murdered family should be taken seriously instead of coming off as excessive and indulgent. It's doable, but explaining plot holes only make them stick out more, in my opinion. You can still write around it, but then you'll need to whack something else. Unless, of course, you can keep all those narrative balls in the air, in which case, I salute you.
Yeah, I don't think burglary gone wrong is too suspect. You could also have it be important to Blair that this wasn't targeted, if you go this route - the fact that it was senseless and random and shouldn't have happened helps to prop up her paranoia, I think. Rather than 'people could be out to get me' it's 'danger could crop up anywhere, any time, for no reason'. I will say though I'm reminded of when my house was broken into and I didn't die (spoilers, I know). In that case it was just young idiots who thought the house was empty, and hadn't planned for confrontation, so at the first sign that the house was occupied, they bolted. For your robbers to go into this armed and willing to use deadly force (possibly to've just messed up, it happens - but to've killed two people, particularly a woman and a child, that implies willingness imo), that might be incongruous depending on your setting. Where did these guys come from? Do they make sense to exist in the region your characters live in? If not you may need to address that.
That is exactly what I was going to suggest as I read through this thread. If it's just a desperate couple of drug addicts or something like that, it's not entirely inconceivable that they would kill the inhabitants to get the money, especially if the mother put up a fight. It doesn't have to be some convoluted, overdesigned plot device with ties to the mob or some nefarious actions of her father or anything like that. Just wrong place/wrong time. And the result for any bystanders (including your character) will be generalised fear and an inability to settle into any kind of peace. Peace can be shattered at any time for no reason at all—so never trust it. I suspect that's a common mental state for somebody who has gone through a trauma like this—whether they witnessed it or not. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. It sounds as if the focus of your story is not about discovering anything new about the origin of this trauma, so maybe just make it simple. Drive-by shooting, or robbery with simple motive, etc.
Thank y'all. I've started killing darlings, so the story is changing. Overall the series is about two people who fall in love in a world gone to zombies. I'm trying to chisel it down to that. I may have to scrape it down to bare bones and see what refuses to die.
If that's your story I'd kick the whole Hellion PMC gone mad angle.. and the whole running round dressed as a penguin That aside if Blairs father is ex special boat service its not likely that a couple of junkies would easily overpower him, or that his house would be the sort of soft target they'd pick Why not just have the family die in a fire , or a car crash or something that can happen to anyone Also you've got an excessive amount of special forces going on Vincent is ex SAS and Blairs father is ex SBS - is it likely that two people in the middle of an american zombie apocalypse would both just happen to have links to British special forces ?
You misunderstand my story. Vincent is not former SAS. I have two former British SpecOps, Padre and his godson, both who moved together to Colorado, along with Padre's family. The Hellions are absolutely essential to the story as well. As for Blair's traumatic past, Padre isn't home when the attack occurs. I thought of an accident or fire, but it didn't fit well with who Blair is, and why she is the way she is. The question I have for this thread is whether a random attack makes sense given the information I provided about Blair. The attack is backstory, and isn't shown in the book. Blair tells Vincent about it, and it helps him to help her, as she helps him deal with his own trauma.
Okay... so a random attack make sense. Like @jannert said, drug addicts are always easy. I've lived that particular random attack (the first time when I was 5), so yeah it makes sense. General anxiety, never feeling safe, back to the wall at all times kind of stuff. It's one of many reasons I have 2 giant (over 130 lbs) dogs and security cameras. It's hard to consider it paranoia when you've lived it, you know? It just feels like a safety net more than an irrational fear.
EOTD your book is confusing because there so much going on Is the story about the hellions and the biological experiment that creates the Zed and Vincent and his group taking them on with the love interest as a minor side plot or is it a love story between vincent and blair that just happens to be happening during a zombie attack Then theres the question of the superdooper homeless shelter and how thats set up and afforded And vincent over coming his tramatic past and the number of special ops types (If Vincent isn't special forces how did he get his sniping skills) Vincents penguin obsession (which doesn't fit well with a specialops backgrround) Padre the mysterious preacher who now turns out to be spec ops as well If you now introduce Blairs traumatic past as well...... This is what Homer was talking about when he said you needed to kill some darlings
The story I'm currently writing is about setting the stage for the series. The first book is about the outbreak, discovering the plot to use the city as a testing ground, and the war to save the city against the Hellions and zombies. Tangential to that are the love story between Vincent and Blair, and Vincent's conquering of his problems. Later in the series, the love story will rise closer and closer to the surface of the main story. The questions I've asked of the forum aren't necessarily about the meat of the story. I'm still fleshing out the gaps in character development, plot, setting, and so on. The homeless shelter has met a significant downgrade since I last discussed it here. Vincent isn't SpecOps, just to be clear. He was in the Army, but his natural talent with a rifle wasn't enough to get him through sniper school. He's always been a good shot, thanks to hunting as a kid and a general interest in firearms, but he was never officially a sniper. Part of the reason Vincent washed out at sniper school is his bipolar disorder, which has gotten worse since his combat trauma. Due to his having bipolar disorder, his sense of humor plays well into wearing a modified penguin costume at times when he wants to add an element of humor or to make his human enemies question if they really saw what they saw. Getting thrashed by a giant cartoon bird is ridiculous, outlandish, and if you get your ass handed to you by a penguin, that's going to be demoralizing and irritating, to say the least. It also helps Vincent to feel powerful when he's in costume. It's a safety blanket of sorts for him. He can entertain the good guys, confuse the bad guys, and amuse himself with it. Without the costume, Vincent feels vulnerable. There is a serious side to Vincent, however, which is when the costume gets set aside, and it serves as a marker for when Vincent is being himself. In order for Vincent to fight the war effectively, he has to deal with his challenges, which means there's less and less of the penguin costume as time goes on. It's symbolic of Vincent coming out of his shell and learning to love and trust himself. Penguins will always be a part of his repertoire, if you will, because of his interest in them and the fact his disability makes his gait very penguin-like. However, there will be a point where he puts the costume aside except for Halloween and other costume events. I've killed plenty of darlings, before and after discussions I've had here. As it stands, the homeless shelter took a serious downgrade, the skill set of the group is limited more than it was before, and they don't have near the resources they used to, to start with. Padre is a former member of the Special Boat Service, where he met his best friend and became godfather to that friend's son, Tommy. Then the friend died. When Tommy grew up, he joined the SAS. After Tommy left the military, he found a job in Colorado, and moved to be near Padre MacDougall, whose family were the only people he cared about. Padre went to seminary. He became ordained. While he was at church one day, working, his family was attacked. He consequently hunted down and killed the attackers shortly afterward. He went to prison for it and appealed to politicians for a pardon. He was pardoned, and started a homeless shelter. Meanwhile, his daughter, Blair, grew up, joined the Air Force, then retired as a captain. She comes home to be with her dad and work for him until she can find something better. The story begins with her arrival at the shelter where she's accepted a job as the receptionist. Less than a day later, the city is knee-deep in zombies and mercenaries. As Blair and Vincent work with the others to survive, they grow closer. Yes, they'll be very busy just surviving for a while, but eventually they'll reach a point where they're safe enough to do something about their mutual interest. Thus, Blair's history comes into play, hence, my original post.
on the flip side being dressed in a costume with a bright white front and a bright yellow beak is tactically stupid , meaning his oponents will just shoot him in the head and walk off saying " fuckinell you'd think he'd have least worn dark clothing even if he couldn't find any cammo.. "
And again, you're making assumptions about the story. And knocking the thread off-topic, and not for the first time.
Its not really off topic, its yet another example of the sort of extraneous stuff you've put into the story and havent removed despite the advice to ruthlessly kill darlings until your story makes sense Exactly like the idea of having Blair have her family killed in a home invasion You really need to think about it from a readers perspective, you are already asking for a massive suspension of disbelief with your core story, do you really also want them to believe (or care about) the love interests back story .... as home said originally its an obvious kill Rather like expecting them to believe in a bipolar sniper dressed as a giant penguin, or a mysterious padre with SBS training who randomly inspired a freinds son to join the SAS despite them being army and the SBS royal marines, not to mention the massive cliche of his hunting down the men who killed his wife and his rather unlikely pardon Its shame because you have a good idea for a new twist on a ZA story, but its getting lost in all this other static
Ah, I see. Perhaps I've mistaken your attempts to point out the "static" as you just being dismissive of the story. I apologize. As for the material I've put into the story, I've attempted to give the characters interesting backstory. I still think you're making a few assumptions (for instance, Padre's godson wasn't inspired by Padre to go into the SAS; Tommy joined the SAS for his own reasons). That being said, I wonder how I could figure out what to cut from the story and still maintain it. The story is about someone with physical and mental problems that do not preclude him from being able to shoot a rifle well. It's a story about him fighting through the zombie apocalypse and discovering the causes behind it. He's a character with an eccentric sense of humor and a dire need for support from his "adopted" family. I've cut the fat from the story before, and what I've offered on this forum has been the result. You all have helped me rein in the extravagance of the homeless shelter, and boil away some of the more senseless points of the story. In earlier iterations of the story, I hadn't modified the penguin costume at all, so your criticism of it would have fit. As it is, it becomes something of a symbol for Vincent, as I explained earlier. I've received advice to kill darlings, and I have killed them, but where they are essential to the story, I've kept them. I've taken away Blair's SpecOps background, leaving just Padre, Tommy, and Vincent with combat experience. Vincent was infantry, though he's a good shot with a rifle. I'll continually look for darlings to kill, but I don't know what else to take away and keep the story.
