How to write good dialogue

Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by ObsidianVale, Jul 10, 2009.

  1. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

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    There is nothing wrong with going pages without dialogue. Many books do. There is nothing wrong with starting with dialogue either. Many books do. And there is nothing whatever wrong about starting with a Prologue. Many books do.

    If the Prologue you're speaking about is the one you let me read a while back, it's an excellent start to your story, because it establishes the framework from which it's being told. Which, in the case of your story, is important to do. And yes, prologues can be long chapters. (Four pages isn't long, by the way.)

    None of these labels matter. What matters is how the story actually reads.

    I'm with @Lew on this one. Get it finished and then see what it's like. Don't overworry your beginning at this stage. You can change your presentation any way you like afterwards. Just keep going.
     
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  2. Jupie

    Jupie Senior Member

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    Thanks everyone for your comments. There's a diverse mix of opinions here, just as I hoped.

    Sorry, bit of a long post below. I've replied to most of you but to those I haven't it's just because a reply wasn't necessary. You all made great points :)

    I'm with you that Prologues aren't always necessary. I definitely think they're overdone and in the wrong hands it can really put me off a story. That said, in this instance my Prologue (hopefully) helps set the scene and establish the tone / mood of the story. It basically starts with the main character as an old man, reflecting on his life as a prince in the castle he grew up in and the fact he's still living with many regrets. Although he is the narrator, the Prologue is in present tense and describes much more his feelings and his immersion into his environment (he's sitting by a lake at this point) so hopefully it still feels like show instead of tell.

    It may help if I show a small passage of my Prologue just to set the context and style I've used. I know this isn't the workshop, so don't want to bore you all here with it, but a hundred words or so may make sense here. It is very introspective in this passage, but gets across his state of mind.

    *

    When I look into the grey membranes of their eyes, I see cold and stark emptiness that penetrates into my heart. The low murmur of the wind is like a long drawn sigh that anchors me to the moment. I find myself becoming a boy again. I take a deep inhale, breathing in memory as if it were dust, and begin to feel a painful swelling inside.

    I realise then that I’m afraid. It surprises me at first, because I thought I had already let go of it, but the fear has been inside of me all this time. The ghosts are real, their spectral bodies merging with the water’s surface, the shadows from the trees bristling noisily with the wind.

    Then my focus changes and I find that I’m rooted to the spot—unable to move—the world muted and ceasing to matter. When silence pulls me in with its persuasive hold I feel the first blast of nostalgia.

    That’s when the loneliness hits.


    My aim for the Prologue is to establish why this person has so many ties to the past and why he can't let go. Because he's an old man here and the rest of the story only a young boy, it felt like a Prologue was the best way to fit in this gap. But there's always room for an alternative too! :)

    The good news is there is no narrative summary. It's much more personal and internalised, establishing mood and character as the MC sits by the lake and starts to remember his past. He's old at this stage, and almost ready to pass on, but then he starts to imagine he can see the faces of his past coming out from the water. Though he is the only character in the Prologue, he does see the ghost of his father and hear his brother's voice (it's left open whether this is real or imagined) and so there's some interaction in that sense. Mostly, it's quite introspective and goes moment to moment, as opposed to trying to set up some big backstory that reads like a summary.

    That's great advice, thanks. I've done a similar thing where I wrote the first draft but after writing that decided to start again with the same characters. Because all the scenes are new, it's practically a different story, so I don't call it a second draft but I'm using what I learned from last time and some of the same characters from before. Scaffolding is a good way of putting it. When I originally began I got to know the characters and the 'voice' of the narrator, so it helped me understand the style that I wanted. It's just the plot and the logistics needed a great deal of work, so I decided to strip it all down and start again.

    Good point, deadrats. I think you should always listen to your gut and if something doesn't feel right it's important to think why. In this case, I think it's more a case that I took some books off the shelf and worried that mine followed a slightly different trend. However, the way the Prologue's written does feel right for this story, so I'm hoping it's the right thing to do. Chapter One is around 1500 words, whereas the Prologue is 2200, so there is a difference in length.

    Luckily, this isn't too much of a big job. I made the first few chapters short because I thought it would help with pacing, but I can always combine some of the chapters together if need be to make them longer. It might not be necessary to make Chapter One so short at all, I just felt like there was a good place to stop and to move onto the next Chapter, but that can be changed. You're right about always improving, too. I agree wholeheartedly with that one. I used to say I'd love to get published on my fourth try, but now I say maybe my sixteenth. Chances are, it may be never, but I like the saying: 'I've not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work!'


    Thanks Jannert, good advice as always. It's still the same Prologue, only I've extended it a great deal, so instead of 700 words it's about 2200. It's also cut into two segments, so you have the opening that you read, then it changes to Andrew sitting by the lake and remembering his time as a young boy. I was just slightly worried that the first few chapters have minimal dialogue but it's still very character-led and with some interactions (even though there's little speech) so hopefully it reads well.

    Like you, when I pick a book I tend to look at it in isolation. I don't compare it too much to other stories, not at first at least, because I'm happy to go with the author's vision and trust in her/his approach. Of course, I don't always end up liking it, but if they've written it well then it's the right fit for that story.
     
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  3. Rosacrvx

    Rosacrvx Contributor Contributor

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    @Jupie

    Nothing like an example. You worry about lack of dialogue but your example is speech all the same. A monologue, but it's speech. So I don't see what you're worried about. It sounds fine to me.
    Not that there needs to be speech to start with. (Maybe you're just reading too much theory and you're second guessing yourself.)
    And psychological action is action too. The way I see it, what goes on inside the characters' minds is almost always a lot more interesting than what goes on outside. This is totally up my alley and I like it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2018
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  4. Jupie

    Jupie Senior Member

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    Thank you, Rosacrvx. That's really encouraging. I'm with you, what's going on inside is usually a lot more interesting than outside.

    I hadn't really considered the monologue to be speech, but you're right. It's spoken all the way through, at least in his head. My hope is readers will feel more intimate and closer to him because we know his thoughts. I like what you say about psychological action, too. There's a lot of that in the prologue, a lot of fear and memories rising to the surface (literally). The challenge for me is setting the rest of it in the past, but hopefully this will work if the Prologue interests people about the story he has to tell.
     
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  5. Kenosha Kid

    Kenosha Kid Active Member

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    According to the inside... ;)
     
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  6. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    Alright, you write well, so that you have going for you.:)

    Still though, something isn't working in the sample you've posted. When I encounter these sort of introspections in literature, especially Classic Lit, they tend to be poetic in nature, but also quite visceral. What's missing in your piece, in my humble opinion, is the meat of life.
    What you have in mind is a soliloquy that sets the story into motion, but I'm not getting past the poetics of his regret and past life. If you're up for some friendly advice, I'd tell you to write not a soliloquy or prologue, but a monologue that runs no longer than two pages, and I rather think that one page would suffice. It would force you to include only those remembrances that matter most, the ones that best represent his current state of affairs. Leave the reader some guessing room. Indeed, leave your readers guessing to why these ghosts from the past still have their hooks in him.

    If it were mine to be done, I'd have your narrator drinking, and heavily so, on the edge of drunken recollection as it were (the very best kind!). And I'd have him start by lying to himself, as we so often do in real life. By the last lines of the monologue his thoughts have sobered him... and the story begins!
    Your passage seems to relate a man who has ended a long journey and come to some hard and fast conclusions. I want a man who isn't finished making himself yet.:)
     
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  7. Jupie

    Jupie Senior Member

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    That's a very good point about being more visceral and I like what you said about the meat of life. Although it's meant to be fairly sombre and reflective, I don't want to come across as overly pessimistic -- it's more a case that the narrator thinks his life is done, but there are a few more surprises left to him. He does achieve some kind of resolution, though he is old and nearly at the end of his life, and in the end he may even achieve a new sort of beginning. It's more of a going back to the start and seeing what occurred through different eyes kind of thing.

    I especially like what you say about getting the MC drunk. That's certainly what I would do if it were me, and drinking does change the senses / make everything more surreal. Also, I like the spirit you have in mind for the book, a sort of Man La Mancha / Don Quixote unwillingness to give in, a great generosity of spirit and willpower. That optimism is something I definitely want to inject into the book, but it's also weaving that in with all the trauma / sadness the narrator carries. Currently in the prologue the water and the ghosts offer a more lucid and dreamy slide into the narrative, but when we do go into his past, we see how he gradually begins to see life in a different way. I'll have a think over what you've said and see what I can do, it's good to have a different take :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
  8. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    You've just done a much better job describing the purpose of the monologue than the actual rendering of the monologue itself.;) Perhaps in this case a monologue is warranted and all you need do is find the hook in it and start anew. I like that idea, patterning your MC after Don Quixote. That feels right to me. Perhaps he revisits one event in his life that says it all, and in doing so he gives the reader just the right amount of backstory.

    On a related note, the most important character in my WIP, besides the three 12 year old girl protagonists, is a French Courtesan by the name of, Valerie. All the threads of the story begin and end with her, and it was one, Long John Silver of Treasure Island fame, that inspired her creation. I dispensed with the prologue I had originally planned in which Valerie recounts a misspent life. I instead devoted a chapter to her character in which she has a conversation with Rosemarie (one of the 12 year old girls). It took my writing partner a month to produce the first draft, and another six weeks for me to edit and expand it... but it was worth it! The ultimate purpose in portraying Valerie this way was allowing her to remain an enigma.

    You may want to consider open dialogue in your monologue... perhaps your MC has a small portrait he keeps on his person, in a locket of some sort... of a woman from his past? He's been drinking and opens the locket, and talks with her. That he's lost in memories and rum, the woman in the miniature portrait speaks to him in turn.:) It's what I would do... get supernatural with it!
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
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  9. Jupie

    Jupie Senior Member

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    Your story sounds really good and certainly shares similarities to what I had in mind as well. The beautiful thing about storytelling is that there are so many directions you can take and every decision you make takes the story down another path. It's like life in that way. Sometimes you think what if I'd taken the other job or gone travelling instead, or what if I'd taken that risk instead of staying put? All these alternative paths could really change the way your life pans out and it's the same with writing a novel (although a lot less consequences I guess...). I have all these ideas but I then I think there's no need to cram them all into one novel. I think one writer said it's good to use only one or two big ideas per book, that way you can do it really well instead of getting distracted with trying to force the story along.

    For some reason in this novel I've decided to venture into the past and remain there for almost all of it, save the beginning and end. Not totally sure why I did it that way, but it seemed right for this story. For another, I'd like to do something totally different. I like the idea of the miniature portrait speaking back to the MC and adding a more supernatural flavour to the text. I can never resist bringing in more ethereal and metaphysical elements to stop the story from being too grounded. I recently just wrote a character into the story who is basically a ghost and only the MC can see her. She's actually a young princess and one of his ancestors who knows more than she lets on, but I enjoyed writing her in because she gives him the shove he needs to start finding courage to stand up to his father.

    Thank you for the encouragement. It's good to know other people's thoughts on these things. Also, utterly shameful, but I haven't read Treasure Island yet (it's been on my list to read for this year). I know the story itself (Muppets perhaps has the best portrayal...) but it'd be great to finally read the original. And I know I'm just gonna love Long John Silver, who's arguably one of the greatest villains of all time, up there with Fagin.
     
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  10. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    That's the spirit!
    My only advice to you, if you follow through and add a supernatural element to your story, is that you make no hard and fast line between the real world and the supernatural realm. And also, you find a unique way to conjure up the ghost, one that hasn't been done before. My writing partner was keen on having a ghost. Me... not so much. But I found a way to conjure one up that I don't believe has been done before... and that it's done in crude fashion without pretense or ceremony makes me happy.
    Valerie (French Courtesan) has a locket around her neck, that one might think contains snuff, but in actuality it's the last mortal remains of Joan of Arc, that is the ashes of a suspected witch. I thought, why not have Valerie snort the ashes of Joan of Arc and by doing so go on a supernatural high. Valerie is in for a very bumpy night.:)

    Valerie took the locket and flicked the tiny latch. The delicate lid sprung open. “So, you think me a common murderess?” She pinched a generous quantity of the fine gray powder and put two fingertips snug under one nostril, and in one sharp sniff inhaled the powder. She wrinkled her nose and repeated the gesture once more and finished by licking her fingers clean of the ashen dust. She shut the lid and flicked the latch closed. “See, completely harmless. Just tobacco and spices.”
     
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  11. Jupie

    Jupie Senior Member

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    Haha, that's a pretty neat and inventive way to get her to communicate with ghosts. I like it. Drugs / substance use are always intriguing because they take our minds to places we don't even understand. A bit like dreams, really, only your high and everything is trippy. I enjoyed reading that little passage, as well. You have a style that is very easy to follow!

    I've not yet decided how to explain or justify the ghost's appearance in my story. So far, she just kinda appears, but only when the MC, who is a young boy at this point, is in the room. Children are good to write for this sort of thing because although he's a little nervous by her being a ghost (she is hiding under his bed when they meet) he's also a very placid and accepting child. From what I know of children generally they are less freaked out by things and more open to the unknown. If something unusual happens, they don't always overthink it... they just sort of go with it. I'll probably only offer a light explanation as to why he can see her... the first hint of magic is the MC comes across an enchanted coin that makes him 'lucky' but he uses it to simply check on his brother who he is forbidden to see. The ghost turns out to be the owner of that coin, and she had it given to him for a reason. That probably doesn't sound original in itself, but it's not a trinket that's overplayed, the coin just happens to be the first insight into the world of magic that runs alongside the medieval setting.

    Most readers of the Fantasy genre won't mind the presence of a ghost as long as I don't summon every cliche known to man. Her role in the story, though, is important. She acts as a motivator for him and also helps him to understand why he is crippled.

    The unique aspect is that she appears as a child but is obviously very old. I know that sort of thing has been done before, but I like the timeless quality to it and how she is both a guide and a playmate to the MC at the same time.
     
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  12. Indigo Abbie

    Indigo Abbie Member

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    So I'm in a draft stage, not going to work on much revision at the moment. I fell into a trap where a project was caught up in a loop of revision that made my story suffer terribly, so going a different route this time. To allow time to process good advice though, I decided to ask now... how much dialogue is okay in a scene?

    The story is character focused I would say. I detail the scene a bit, throw in sentence tags and action. (I should probably put a little more action in, but I feel like it becomes a bunch of "he did..." or "adverb, he...") For the specific scene in mind the two characters are stuck in a cell together with very little action that can be done, but they have a deep conversation.

    Is the amount of dialogue a person enjoys totally based on the individual? Any tips on how to improve dialogue tags or mid-conversation action? Am I way too concerned? (Probably.) Does it depend on how well a character can hold attention with the things they have to say?

    Most of all I do know that dialogue should further the plot and set things in motion. It is just one scene in a total chapter in which other things occur. I'd like a balance, but it is... very much a character driven plot in which the things they say and do decide what happens and how they respond.
     
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  13. izzybot

    izzybot (unspecified) Contributor

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    Something I thought about while doing a dialogue-heavy scene in my wip was making the construction of the dialogue engaging. I know I'm not the first and no doubt someone's said it more eloquently than I'll be able to, but what I mean is paying attention to the give-and-take of the conversation as much as the actual words being said and the beats/tags they're couched in. Is one character monologuing while the other just passively accepts it? Is one character clearly steering the conversation? Are they actually working together, organically building off what each other says, taking the time to reply to each other? I think that's going to be more interesting to read. In my case it was a scenario where Character A had all of the information and could have just exposited it, but I thought it would be more engaging to have Character B figure it out / talk it out (plus, it gave Character B some credibility for being smart enough to piece things together).

    Good dialogue can be tricky to pin down, but I think that it can carry a scene without too much other window dressing. You still want to avoid talking-heads-in-a-void syndrome, but if the dialogue is the point of the scene, let it dominate the scene. It's just got to be dialogue that's interesting to read.
     
  14. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

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    I doubt there's any measure of how much dialogue a given reader will or will not enjoy.

    So have fun with it. Let your characters talk their little hearts out. As long as the exchange furthers the plot and/or develops the characters, it's fine. Then go back and fill in with some beats, shed some light on the environment the characters are in, give them something to do as they talk, that kind of thing. Cut out unnecessary lines and filter words. Avoid talking heads in a white room. Make sure the conversation isn't too on-the-nose. But if dialogue is the best way to get the point of that scene across, go for it.

    As to how to improve mid-conversation action, climb inside your POV character's skin and imagine doing what he would do and feeling what he feels. And have him observe what his conversation partner is doing. Bring the reader into the heart of it.
     
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  15. Alex R. Encomienda

    Alex R. Encomienda Contributor Contributor

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    You're never going to awe everyone with your writing. It's either there's too much telling, you're spoon feeding us! Or you're writing like Saccocio! Write sharper! So I'd trust your gut when it comes to writing a scene. If you were a reader and picked up your book, would you enjoy it?

    I personally find nothing bad or annoying about dialogue as long as it's intriguing.
     
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  16. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    Have you ever read Hills Like White Elephants? ;)
     
  17. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    Are you way too concerned?.. I should say not.
    Dialogue is the one element of fiction that you can go wild with. We're never so well composed and articulate, or wonderfully inarticulate as our characters. We have free license to make our characters talk in ways that seldom, if ever, happen in real life. But you must choreograph these conversations in such a way that they don't feel choreographed. Every utterance must engage the reader and drive the story. There are no excuses to do otherwise.

    Here's a small section from a chapter of my WIP, a conversation between a twelve year old girl (Rosemarie) and a French courtesan (Valerie) that takes place in the fitting room of an opera house on the eve of another opening night spectacle. The date is November 13, 1792, Paris during the Revolution. The chapter is some 8,000 words, and much of it a conversation between these two characters. I pulled out all the stops, used every trick I know to make it interesting.

    ___________________________________________________

    “Are you speaking of such things that exist beyond the veil?” Rosemarie said.

    Valerie shrugged and settled comfortably into the cushions of the couch, letting the question hang in the air.

    With no reply forthcoming, Rosemarie searched the room for inspiration. Her eyes rested on one of the dancing figures on the back wall. It was Urania, the muse of astronomy. She wore a tunic speckled with stars and comets, her makeshift wings dropping feathers as she cavorted with her sisters.

    Rosemarie took a confident breath. “I know of expeditions returned from distant lands with astounding news of savages and wild animals unknown to us. One of the books you sent me has drawings and descriptions of creatures that look to be sea serpents and dragons... but they’re not that at all. The savages have a profound reverence for the animals and believe them possessed by spirits. But it’s been a great disappointment to most, the creatures aren’t like the myths. The people are backward and have strange rituals and superstitions. They know nothing of God.”

    “And if we geld all the enchanted beasts, is the night any less wondrous?” A thin smile slid across Valerie’s lips. “ ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Rose, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’ ”

    Rosemarie winced.

    “My goodness, what’s wrong?” Valerie said in a sugary voice.

    “You should never, ever quote Shakespeare on opening night. It’s bad luck, very bad. Everyone knows that.” Rosemarie shook her head. “Worse, you’ve used my name. Thank heavens you didn’t invoke the Scottish Play.”

    Valerie suppressed a smile. “I’ve never known you to be rigid in your beliefs, so quick to dismiss. We can observe the world through the skeptic’s looking glass and be satisfied that all is in good order — Shakespeare would expect nothing less of us — but pull on the wrong frayed thread and you undo the universe. If something utterly unbelievable presents itself to you, and there it is right before your unbelieving eyes, you’re obliged to accept it. Even so, you should welcome it in from the cold.”

    “Might we stop talking of Monsieur Shakespeare?” Rosemarie said.

    “You’re right,” Valerie agreed, and tapped Rosemarie on the knee. “How much do you know about this opera house?”

    “I know it’s old, and was quite popular before the trouble began.”

    “It is very old. A hundred years and more Dionysus and Melpomene have stood on their balcony above the entrance to the Phoenix, welcoming one and all who come for a night’s entertainment. Famous composers graced these halls with rapturous symphonies, as well as actors and singers, musicians and magicians, dancers and acrobats so gifted that the audience was left in stunned amazement. They came and went. You may know of one... Julie d’Aubigny?”

    “Yes, I most certainly do!” Rosemarie said, and swooshed an imaginary sword, crisscrossing the air in front of Valerie before running her through to the hilt. “She was a duelist! It is said that while in Paris she attended a masquerade ball disguised as a man and kissed a young woman on the dance floor so passionately that it enraged three noblemen, who in turn challenged her to a duel. The three men, all expert with the blade, met Julie at dawn in a courtyard; they were gentlemen and as such offered to step up one at a time. The story goes that she removed her hat and cloak, revealing her true sex, and announced to their astonishment, ‘Stand and deliver so the Devil may take ya!’ She took them on all at once! But she was shrewd — dueling was no longer fashionable, the king having outlawed it. She had no lust for spilling blood needlessly, so she let the men retreat with glancing wounds and what was left of their pride. The three noblemen could say nothing further of the encounter or else suffer the most dreadful embarrassment imaginable.”

    “Yes, yes, that’s what the books say, but there’s always more to a fanciful tale. Julie was both a swordswoman and an opera singer virtuoso. Her voice, it was said, could lift the spirits of the dead.”

    “What became of her? The book I read stated that she’d taken refuge in a convent after a love affair had ended badly. The nunnery sat on a mountaintop somewhere, but no exact location was given, and nothing is known of her after that. She hasn’t even a grave to visit.”
     
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  18. Indigo Abbie

    Indigo Abbie Member

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    Really liked the bit from your novel, the dialogue was engaging. My dialogue scenes of concern are nowhere near 8,000 words, so it makes me more confident in my ability to make a few hundred or a thousand words of dialogue grasp reader attention. :D

    No I have not and I do not have the foggiest clue what it is about if you're interested in sharing.

    I did not recognize what you meant at first, but I had heard of it before and it prompted me to do a read up. I actually revised the problem scene just to add more detail around them and it seems to work so much better.
     
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  19. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    It’s a Hemingway story that’s about 90% dialogue ;)

    You have a man and a woman waiting at a train station, I think somewhere in Spain, and there’s just one conversation where they’re trying to talk evasively about It instead of talking explicitly, and the reader has to figure out what they’re talking about.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2018
  20. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

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    If you're going to have a lot of dialogue and little action ...they're stuck in jail ...then there are several tricks you can employ to make it more readable.

    First of all, be aware that short bursts of dialogue exchanges ...a sentence or comment from one speaker, followed by a sentence or comment from another speaker, and etc ...is going to fly past the reader at breakneck speed. If you're doing short exchanges like this, make sure to break them up after every three to five lines of dialogue (approximately) with something else. Your POV character can reflect on what's being said, or observe something about the other speaker, or whatever is appropriate. Not only does this help to identify the speaker without using speech tags, but, more importantly, it slows the thing down so the reader can become engaged with the meaning of what's being said.

    The other trick is what @izzybot suggests regarding 'monologuing.' In other words, let one of the speakers go on a bit, before the next speaker cuts in. Then maybe let THAT speaker go on a bit as well. This slows the pace enough so the reader doesn't get exhausted trying to keep up.

    I had to do this in one chapter of my story ...where one character is telling another character about his life. I broke up the monologue with the other character occasionally interrupting with a comment or question, and allowed the storyteller character to answer the question, or comment on the subject, allowing a bit of a tangent to develop. The two people were sitting together in front of a fire at the time, so nothing much was happening other than the conversation. It was tricky to pull off, but I think it worked ...eventually.

    I think you should simply be aware of pacing, and try to vary your pace so it doesn't run away from the reader, but also doesn't bog them down in reams of exposition.
     
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  21. Indigo Abbie

    Indigo Abbie Member

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    I laughed at this a lil' bit because the characters are actually in jail in the scene. I have actually completed the draft of the it if it would help to share so anyone could judge the product.
     
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  22. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

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    Yes, it would help ...but you'll need to post that in the Workshop section of the forum, once you've completed the requirements for posting your work there. Not here on this thread.

    I see you're a new member, so you'll need to have been a member for two weeks, have made a certain number of posts somewhere on the forum (I can't remember, but I think it's 20) and posted at least two constructive critiques of other people's work in the Workshop. Check the New Member section of the forum, if you're not sure of the requirements.

    BTW, I didn't guess about the jail thing. You actually said in your original post that they were in a cell together! I assumed ...jail? :)
     
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  23. Ksenia Tomasheva

    Ksenia Tomasheva Member

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    I normally use the following checklist to see if I really need these or those lines of dialogue in my story:
    - Do these lines contribute to revealing my charaters personalities to reader?
    - Do they create mood of the moment/situation?
    - Are they informative?
    To give me a good reason to keep it as dialogue, the line must be at least two "yes" from this checklist. Otherwise, I tend to replace these "empty" speech lines with author's speech. Example:
    "Howdy motherfuckers," James said entering the bar.
    Mike greeted him back and Ian signaled to the bartender for Jim's favourite vodka-martini. (Instead of : "Hey James, nice to see you too," said Mike. "Vodka-martini for Jim, please," Ian signaled to the bartender.)
     
  24. Indigo Abbie

    Indigo Abbie Member

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    Oooh I really like that idea Ksenia. I've always known it to be an alternative option for dialogue, to sum up boring or unimportant stuff, but to see how widely it can be used like you did with that bit was nice. When I go for revision I'll have to see how much "small talk" I can flip around. In the specific scene though, I've concluded at least most of it is necessary since technically it is the MC sharing motivation for action and brief explanation how he'll begin the revolt.
     
  25. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    Be careful though... very often "small talk" is a great way to setup an important exchange of dialogue.
    In the passage below I use the rather frivolous activity of a courtesan and a 12 year old girl trying on hats as a metaphor for the story to come, and to begin ratcheting up the tension.


    Valerie was an aristocratic young woman with fierce, gray-yellow eyes, like those of an owl they were unnerving. She had full cheeks and thin lips, and rolls of dark curls that tumbled onto her shoulders. But it was the hat, worn at a dangerous rake, that transfixed the senses; folds of pink silk spun into a turban atop a plum-colored brim from which iridescent peacock plumes fanned a single scarlet ibis feather. So outrageous was its length that its red tip brushed the ceiling.

    “I love fancy hats,” Valerie confessed. “This rebellion will separate many fancy hats and heads from their owners.”

    “Probably because they remind us of crowns,” Rosemarie said.

    “You might be right about that. I never saw Queen Marie with her crown, but she surely loved these.” Valerie took the hat off and placed it back in its box. “Perhaps that’s the price. An innocent bird died so that we could enjoy the fashion, and so too our heads must roll off.”

    “Is she dead then?” Rosemarie said, alarmed.

    “No, she isn’t. And the King neither. It’s only a matter of time, though. Robespierre and his Montagnards are paving the way as we speak, writing clever words and making rousing speeches. King and queen, and those who stand in the way of their fate, haven’t long to wait. This is the new order, the philosophers proclaim. ‘The era of reason and light is upon us.’ They want to put an end to everything we had in the past, and the people must witness it.”

    “I see nothing reasonable at all. Do you know they force us to wear uniforms at school, and pledge an oath every morning before class begins? We all have to look the same now. One girl was punished for tying her hair back with a purple ribbon. They made her stand out in the pouring rain!” Rosemarie bristled. “Oh, the nuns were furious with the men who came to watch us. They said the government had no right to interfere and tell their girls what to wear and say.” Rosemarie fidgeted with the tiny brooch pinned to her sash.
     

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