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  1. CAR0527

    CAR0527 Member

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    I need another word for...

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by CAR0527, Jan 23, 2018.

    I need another word for "and" because my mom said when she read the first chapter of my book she noticed I used a lot of and(s). How do I stray away from that word? I know that using the comma is like using and but it doesn't always work like that for my writing.

    What should I do?

    Thanks,
    Courtney
     
  2. TheRealStegblob

    TheRealStegblob Kill All Mages Contributor

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    Well, it depends a lot on what your general voice is. Could you give us a few examples paragraphs, if possible, so we can look at just how you write?
     
  3. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    It's unlikely that you really need another word for "and". It's more likely that you need to reorganize your sentences. Can you offer a brief sample of some of the problematic text?
     
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  4. CAR0527

    CAR0527 Member

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    “Rose I know where you are,” said Dylan saying my name like you would a very long music lyric or note. I was sitting against the wall hugging my knee’s and trying not to giggle which never worked out because I could never keep quiet when I was having fun like this. Hearing my bedroom door open I clamp my hand over my mouth to try and silence my giggles. Dylan didn’t say a word when he entered my room and just searched around the area for my whereabouts. It took Dylan no time at all to find me and I stood up to try and brush passed him but he grabbed me by the waist and tossed me on the bed then began to attack me with tickles. I laughed so hard and kicked my legs which did no good because Dylan was on top of my stomach using his legs to support himself giving me no access to any body part.

    “Oh my god it tickles so much!” I said laughing so much that I started to cry.

    “I told you I’d get you,” he stated as he stopped tickling me and pinned my arms down. The moment went from being fun and free spirited to intense in a matter of seconds. We’d been alone for a quite a while, in fact I was beginning to wonder where Sapphire was. Almost like she read my mind she entered my bedroom with a throw pillow and whacked Dylan in the head with it causing him to fall off of me providing me with the chance to escape.

    “The pillow to the head came a little late girl,” I said climbing off my bed and over to stand by Sapphire. With a smile Sapphire swung the pillow again and hit me in the face declaring a war of pillow fights. As childish as all of this was it was fun, and relaxing, at this point in time I didn’t have a care in the world other than enjoying my time with my two best friends.


    I think there is an and in every other sentence.
     
  5. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    That's like asking for another breathable gas besides oxygen. Is it possible Mom doesn't know what she's talking about?

    Yeah, no offense to Mom, but she's out of her tree. Sorry.
     
  6. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    Well, if I want to make a game of killing the word "and":

    “Rose I know where you are,” said Dylan saying my name like you would a very long music lyric or note. I was sitting against the wall hugging my knee’s, trying not to giggle which never worked out because I could never keep quiet when I was having fun like this. Hearing my bedroom door open I clamp my hand over my mouth to silence my giggles. Dylan didn’t say a word when he entered my room--he just searched around the area for my whereabouts. It took Dylan no time at all to find me. I stood up to try to brush past him but he grabbed me by the waist, tossed me on the bed, then began to attack me with tickles. I laughed so hard, kicking my legs, which did no good because Dylan was on top of my stomach using his legs to support himself giving me no access to any body part.

    “Oh my god it tickles so much!” I said laughing so much that I started to cry.

    “I told you I’d get you,” he stated as he stopped tickling me. He pinned my arms down. The moment went from being free spirited fun to intense in a matter of seconds. We’d been alone for a quite a while, in fact I was beginning to wonder where Sapphire was. Almost like she read my mind she entered my bedroom with a throw pillow. She whacked Dylan in the head with it causing him to fall off of me providing me with the chance to escape.

    “The pillow to the head came a little late girl,” I said climbing off my bed. With a smile Sapphire swung the pillow again. She hit me in the face, declaring a war of pillow fights. As childish as all of this was it was relaxing--at this point in time I didn’t have a care in the world other than enjoying my time with my two best friends.

     
  7. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    Yeah--my game aside, an "and" every other sentence is not the least bit unusual.
     
  8. TheRealStegblob

    TheRealStegblob Kill All Mages Contributor

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    There's not an overuse of 'and' in that passage at all (if you ask me), however, there are other general problems. ChickenFreak did a good job of eliminating most expendable 'and's, though. You can see his editing with the line that originally read as;

    “I told you I’d get you,” he stated as he stopped tickling me and pinned my arms down.

    Which ChickenFreak edited to;

    “I told you I’d get you,” he stated as he stopped tickling me. He pinned my arms down.

    By breaking up the actions into their own sentences (separating 'he stopped tickling me' and 'he pinned my arms down') you make the tone shift from friendly playing to sexual playing much more obvious and, to that effect, more powerful. Another way to avoid using 'and' would be to describe two actions happening in conjunction. So you might re-write the line as;

    “I told you I’d get you,” he stated, his fingers tickling further up my ribs until they were suddenly to my arms. He took me by the wrists, pinning me down.

    Now you describe two actions at once in the first sentence (his fingers tickle further up the ribs, then they're suddenly to the arms), and then use the second sentence to describe him taking her by the wrists and throw in a comma so you don't have to over-describe that by taking her by the wrists he also pinned her down.

    I can agree that it's entirely possible to use "and" too often to conjoin actions or observations. Describing action in more detail is a very basic way to get rid of using 'and' as much, because you're no longer relying on 'and' to piece together simple actions- the actions are no longer simple and don't need to use 'and'.

    And there you go.

    edit: I keep tweaking this fucking post woooooooOOooops
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2018
  9. CAR0527

    CAR0527 Member

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    Thank you @ChickenFreak and @TheRealStegblob I'll definitely make the changes in the sentences while thinking about all that you've said. Writing like how @ChickenFreak wrote is exactly why it takes me forever to just get one sentence finished.
     
  10. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

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    The "and" could be the symptom, not the cause. It's not that you're saying "and," it's that you add on a thought that is either not needed or is diluting a good point with an okay point.
    • “Rose I know where you are,” said Dylan saying my name like you would a very long music lyric or note.
    • I was sitting against the wall hugging my knee’s and trying not to giggle which never worked out because I could never keep quiet when I was having fun like this.
    • Hearing my bedroom door open I clamp my hand over my mouth to try and silence my giggles.
    • Dylan didn’t say a word when he entered my room and just searched around the area for my whereabouts.
    • It took Dylan no time at all to find me and I stood up to try and brush passed him but he grabbed me by the waist and tossed me on the bed then began to attack me with tickles.
    • I laughed so hard and kicked my legs which did no good because Dylan was on top of my stomach using his legs to support himself giving me no access to any body part.
    So there's your sentences . . . Here's how I would chop them on pass 1.
    • “Rose, I know where you are.” Dylan sang my name like music.
    • I sat against the wall, hugging my knees and trying not to giggle, which never worked because I could never keep quiet when I was having fun like this.
    • When my bedroom door opened, I clamped my hand over my mouth.
    • Dylan entered without a word.
    • (Probably a short line about the search)
    • He found me in no time.
    • I rushed passed him, but he grabbed me by the waist and tossed me on the bed and then attacked me with tickles.
    • I laughed so hard and kicked my legs, but Dylan was on my stomach, using his legs to support himself, giving me no access to any body part.
    Varying the sentence length. The next thing I would do is vary the starts so that there aren't so many starting with nouns/pronouns. It's kind of an artifact from me splitting them. If I did it now though, you wouldn't recognize what was there. So it's a pass 2 edit. I think I eliminated all the "try's" in there too. That was almost a bigger problem. You have a common pattern of "try . . . to."

    I even left a lot at the end when the action was hectic. (Look up polysyndeton, which loves and's.)

    So don't think of it as "synonym for and" but rather "why am writing in compound all the time?"

    It's good writing though. The idea seems very sincere, so your basis is set.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2018
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  11. DITF Ninja

    DITF Ninja Member

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    When I find myself using too many "ands" in my work I will otherwise break up the sentences and use more descriptors to make them strong enough to stand alone. If that won't work for that particular line I will try to work in other words like "while" if I absolutely need a conjunction.
     

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