Novel Share Your First Paragraph

@T_L_K

'Ello.

I like the vocab, as it seems to fit the style of what you have shared.
From what I gather the MC is torn between the options available to
them vs. their passions they would rather pursue.

If anything else I am curio to know what happens in the story.

 

Minor observation, but the doctor would use 24hr time, unless this is in an earlier time period before
that existed. So it would be 2233 instead of regular standard time to keep it realistic.

 

@Cave Troll

Hello

Thanks for your comment. I think I'll be taking my story to the workshop forum next as I'd probably like the whole work critiqued before I publish it - if it survives it, that is. Hope to see you there.

 

In the prison the inmates joined clubs based on a 'popularity food chain.'

Get on, get writing

 

Hi Everyone
First time posting on the forum so thought this might be a good place to start.
The following is the first paragraph of a fantasy novel I'm working on. I'm very new at this, so feel free to tear it apart for anything worth criticising, it's the only way I'll get better at this

"It is impossible to count the number of warriors who have fought in the countless wars that have ravaged the surface of the world. Many have seen these conflicts as grand, just, even glorious displays, so all may see their people’s martial prowess. Others have seen war like some great game of wit and wisdom, with every move and countermove an exercise in testing one’s mental capacity. Many more, however, have seen war as nothing but a cold, bloody slaughter, man butchering his fellow man at the whim of far off and uncaring lords and kings, that only ever results in the heartbreaking massacre of a nation’s young men. It was this last thought, depressing and overbearing, that stuck in the mind of Centurion Gaius Publius Quintis, as he wrenched his gladius free of his foe’s chest, and forced himself to his feet alongside his fellow legionaries, bloodied and bruised from the day's fighting."

 

@Gorath I like it.

 

@Cave Troll Thanks
Anything you'd criticise about it?

 

No, you put it so eloquently in the way it is writ.
You're Welcome.

 

Thankyou very much Much appreciated.

 

I'll bite the bullet and share the first paragraph of a book I'm currently working on. If anyone has advice on how to improve it, please share.

"I felt myself shift in and out of consciousness as my hands tightened around thin air, trying to get a hold on something steady, firm. As I tried to find the strength to open my eyes and find out where I was, memories came flooding back."

 

"I felt myself shift in and out of consciousness as my hands tightened around thin air, trying to get a hold on something steady, firm. As I tried to find the strength to open my eyes and find out where I was, memories came flooding back."​

It's intriguing.

You may be trying to say too much too quickly. And you might want to read up on filter words. They are weakening your sentences here.

I found this blog entry useful: Are These Filter Words Weakening Your Fiction?

Here are some show, don't tell examples. Once people understand what it means it's gets easier with practice to show more and tell less in one's writing.

I don't get what "tightening one's hands around thin air" means. And are the memories those of how he got there or something further back in the past? It would help if you added something so we know which it is. Waking up and recognizing one's situation is different from past memories flooding into one's thoughts.

Separate the character's "flooding memories" from 'the strength to open one's eyes'. There's no need to combine these in one thought/sentence.

 

@GingerCoffee - Thanks for your advice. I wasn't quite sure what you meant by some things but I realized that I'm very guilty of using too many filter words! How's this? Still not so good, but better perhaps?

"I shifted in and out of consciousness, trying hard to find the strength to open my eyes. Searching my brain to try and figure out how I had gotten there, my last memories came flooding back."

 

Whatever you do, don't get discouraged. There are some basic techniques in writing that can be learned and once you learn those basics you will be amazed at how good you can write. From there though comes lots and lots of polishing. But you have to get the basics of storytelling down.

This version is worse. It loses the thread of interesting and moves toward plain.

Where are you in this novel? Are you just starting or is much of it written?

Because I suggest you bypass the beginning and come back to it later. I must have completely changed my opening a dozen times and revised each of those at least that many more.

Write the story, the opening is hard and often easier to develop after the story is more developed.

Going by this opening, you have a person who is waking up from unconsciousness trying to gather his/her wits about him/herself.

Not saying you should never open with this but you will find lots of critics advising against opening with the weather, a dream, a prologue, and the character waking up. There is a reason. No rules are absolute, but what we don't get in this opening is any sense of the character, and no sense of the story. That's not a good sign.

What comes next? Write the next paragraph as if it were the first and let's see where you are going.

 

This is pretty good. It hooks me.

I'd suggest reworking the first sentence. I like "hands tightened around thin air", but my only nitpick is if the arms are immobile or not. Are you reaching around for something, or are your arms locked?

Other than that I don't see anything wrong with the whole thing other than you could perhaps condense the structure a bit, but that's a little nitpicky.

 

Thanks for your tips.

 

OK, that's great. Just keep going. Once the story is more developed you may decide to start it differently. Think about the ways a person might wake up in the hospital while lacking memory.

He might focus on what he sees, the nurse(s), equipment like a heart monitor, a throbbing head pain.. Memories might come back in flashes rather than flooding in. Is he cautious because it's his instinct like Jason Bourne? Does he flirt with the nurse and she smiles back because he's a hunk? Or does she snub him refusing to give in to his charms?

These are things you could use to introduce the character, make us care about him, let the mystery of how he got there unfold.

 

I like nitpicky. Thanks for your advice.

 

Overall, I like it, but you've got some repetition that I think you should address. This is a weakness of mine as well: I've bolded the words that came up multiple times in close succession. Basically though, good stuff!

 

So this is the first paragraph of the book that I'm working on. I decided to start at a very intense moment and have my character look back at the other parts of her life from there.

The sun shined down as she laid in the cool grass, looking up at the clear blue sky. It was a warm summer's day and she would be enjoying the carelessness of it, had she not just been stabbed through the liver with a 6-inch boning knife. She gasped and wheezed for air as she bled profusely through her blue halter top. Never in her almost 18 years of life, had she felt this terrified. She knew this was the end. All of the people in her life, she would soon be separated from. As for God, well He couldn't possibly want anything to do with her, after she spent the last couple of years of her life cursing Him and pretending like He didn't exist. Although, that didn't stop her from praying and begging for her life anyway.

 

I like it! I'm definitely curious about what's going to happen!

 

I love the transition from "This girl is lying in a meadow enjoying a beautiful day" to "Oh, and she's bleeding to death. Couple things I think could use attention:

Your paragraph is very good up til here, but the last sentence is weak. "Although," and "anyway" make me think of someone rationalizing cheating on their diet, not begging God for salvation on their deathmeadow.

I'd definitely be interested in seeing more of this.

 

From a short, that I am working on editing a bit along with adding on
to a part that I was told needed to be extended.
(I have like five things cooking at the moment).

I cannot believe that I am going to do this. Feeling anxious and excited as the day draws nearer. Though it will be a new experience for me, as I have never done anything like this before. At least I can take comfort that it will be in controlled setting and executed to my outlined desires. It did take a fair amount of courage and research, but I finally had the funds and the time off to follow through with it. That and I could use the vacation. My girlfriend that worked with me at the agency seemed particularly happy that I was gong on vacation as I seldom ever treat myself.

 

Thank you for your honest input. I probably should of mentioned that this is a memoir that I'm writing, but I chose to write it in third person. Those were the actual thoughts going through my mind when it was happening. I struggle with knowing where to put commas!