How to phrase this?

I've run into a wording problem where I know how I want the sentence phrased in general but am not sure whether my solution is actually do-able.

The sentence in question is this:

Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones usually made the reader wish to instantly perish of a case of the same.


What is correct and looks better to native readers?

...a case of the same.
...a case of the self-same.
...a case of the latter.
...a case of the said.
...a case of the same stones/affliction/disease/...

Or something else entirely?

I'd rather not go with the last one as it is repetitive. My intuition says the first or second but somehow it still sounds awkward to me.

 

"... a case of the eponymous affliction"? I'm not sure if more words is what this sentence needs, but that's what sounds best to me.

 

I don't think the sentence construction lends itself to clarity. I would go with something like:

Most readers found renal afflictions more entertaining than Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of Yellow Kidney Stones.

 

Barring totally rephrasing it, if I were writing it in my style I'd do something like this:

Melemadh Oreed's Discourse on the Nature of Yellow Kidney Stones usually made anyone who read it want to instantly die of those very same kidney stones.

Or something to that effect. I find calling attention to the repetition as deliberate and for effect makes it read a lot less awkwardly. But I'm not trying to sound formal at all, so that may be a factor to consider--my style lends itself to informal, dry humor.

 

It's supposed to be a brief quip so I'd like to keep it short. But it does read more fluently that way.

What makes it unclear? The omission of what to die of or the structure in general?

Dry humor is just what I was amining for with this. (Not sure if I succeeded there at all, heh) It seems I need to include some kind of repetition to make it work.


How about this:

Melemadh Oreed's Discourse on the Nature of Yellow Kidney Stones usually made its readers wish to instantly die of that very same affliction.

 

I couldn't think of *any* clear and elegant way to finish the sentence, so I figured the structure itself was a problem.

I understand it so it's fine, although it reads awkwardly to me. I would go with rephrasing, but you should know I'm a big fan of simple writing and my goals might not match yours.

 

Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones instantly made the reader wish to die of that very affliction.

 

I'd use redundancy of the somewhat goofy yellow Kidney Stones as a joke, so that when they read the last line of this regal sentence they get a punchline.


Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones usually made the reader wish to instantly perish from a case yellow kidney stones.

 

Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones, tenth edition, seventh reprint of the Oxford Worthwhile Reductive Printing Company, was well known for it's unique ability to make the reader, upon first laying their eyes on the acknowledgements page, to suddenly die from an aneurysm.

 

Hmm I do like to phrase things in a rather roundabout way. Still, that's useful advice so thanks for your input. I think I'm just gonna set a rephrased version next to it and get back to the matter later.

Ha, that's grand so much for "I'd like to keep it short" but if the Oxford Worthwhile Reductive Printing Company, or the invention of letterpress, existed in the story's setting I'd be tempted to go with that.

 

Jenissej, do you mind if we keep playing?

The esteemed Melemadh Oreed’s tome Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones, tenth edition, seventh reprint, copyright 1856 of the well-regarded but small organisation Oxford Worthwhile Reductive Printing Company was well known amongst those who concern themselves with such things for it's unique ability to make the erstwhile reader, upon first laying their eyes on the acknowledgements page, if not the dedication to Messer Oreed's long-departed hamster, to suddenly and fatally die from an unexpected and terminal aneurysm.

 

I'm smelling a challenge!

The highly esteemed, although more for his excellent work of research and illustration than his diverting writing style, Melemadh Oreed’s tome Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones, tenth edition, seventh reprint, copyright 1856, of the well-regarded but small organisation Oxford Worthwhile Reductive Printing Company was well known amongst those who concern themselves with such things, few as they were even among academical circles, for its unique ability to make the erstwhile reader, usually some unfortunate fourth year student of the medical faculty at the Great University of the secular and arcane Arts of Ile, upon first laying their eyes on the acknowledgements page, if not the dedication to Messer Oreed's long-departed rare Udornian west-highland hamster, at the very least at the dozenth instance of scholar Oreed citing and referring to his own very extensive studies of the matter at hand, to suddenly and fatally die from an unexpected and terminal aneurysm, which, by ill luck, would only be discussed in the Melemadh’s follow-up work A brief Treatise on the Causes and Treatments to abrupt Dilations of the vital sanguine Vessels.

 

I confess I'm still at work right now and just had a very hard time keeping a straight face when I read your post. In fact, I'm still struggling not to start giggling like mad in front of the interns.

 

@Tenderiser, hands down, that is the best of breed!

 

Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones usually made the reader wish to instantly perish from a case of the same.

I would simple make one change, and that is it have the word 'from', as above.

 

Your thoughts on this?

 

@Fickleflame ah, that's a nice one, too.

To be honest, I didn't know "perish" could be used with that postposition.

 

In the academy it was a point of contentious argument whether Melemadh Oreed’s Discourse on the Nature of yellow Kidney Stones or the actual yellow kidney stones themselves induced the greater suffering.

 

You wouldn't say "He died from old age" or "She perished from pneumonia?" Is that a UK thing?

 

I'd say died of old age.

Perished must be considered archaic these days? Other than in reference to things like rubber seals perishing (maybe the salt water?).

 

I don't know why. I'd say "die from sth." but "perish from sth." sounds somehow wrong to me. But then again, I'm not a native speaker so that's probably it.

 

Would they want to die from boredom or is the writing or topic so graphically described? I think the sentence is incomplete. Do you mean they would want to die as they read the descriptions or after they have finished the book?