Novel Share Your First Paragraph

Thanks! I originally had it as "The sun shone" but then changed it to "The sun shined". I was conflicted on which one to use. Haha! I have just never heard anyway say the word 'shone' around here so that was what made me change it. Commas are my worst enemy! I never know when or when not to use them.

 

Thought I'd put another one out here, see what y'all think.

"It hurts more on days like this. The whole family is home, laughing and talking while I – I just sit in my room – alone. It’s not always this bad; I occasionally have good days. Sometimes – usually – it’s my choice to be apart from the family as being with them can be so mentally and physically taxing. Just pretending to be fine is bad enough but add to this the fact that I really am not OK and have to deal with that at the same time... It can be unbearable at times."

 

I like it. It is interesting and makes me want to know more about the character. Also, there are parts of it that I can relate to.

 

Thank you. Yes, I started this book yesterday evening when I wasn't doing very well and needed to channel those feelings into something. So far my character is pretty much 'me'.

 

I do that a lot in my stories too. This time I decided to write a memoir, but writing in third person somehow makes it easier for me.

 

Yeah, I wanted to write in first person so that I could easier describe exactly how I felt. I find that writing your feelings down helps you control them... Like, a lot.

By the way, when you have your book published, let me know! I'll get it!

 

Good point, thanks for that I agree, I'll go back and re word it a little bit, sort out the repetition. Thanks

 

On the coast that birthed the city, which thrived on booze and Dutchmen, comes along one of its children. The car pulley rolled the rickety junkyard boat, hobbling along to the shoreline of the Garston Channel. Its a silly looking picture, as the paint peeled off like a scaling lizard, which made things seem brighter than they were; an honest to goodness journey to ‘catch some kipper.’ The boat looked like one from a painted mug by some old gift shopper in a Welsh village, smelling of damp wood and the every now and then old friend. No customers, just them and the mug.

I don't know whether this is solid tbh

 

Poker chips flew into the air like drops of rain as the man's head slammed into the green felt of the table, propelled by the hand behind it. Crumpling to the floor in a heap he could barely see straight as Edgar reached down and grabbed him by the arm. Pulling the sleeve of the cheap suit up several cards fell to the floor. It took time for the man's head to clear, and upon looking up the blood flowing from both sides of his nose didn't even seem to register in his mind. The whole of his attention was focused on the young man in front of him.

This is from a WIP, a first draft I haven't revised yet.

 

"Watchers, you ever hear of someone killed by a direct lightning strike? Inside? With all the windows closed and no damage to the structure? When it hasn't stormed going on two weeks?" The rings of Captain Calvert's hauberk jangled as he threw open the door. "Well, you have now. That's how Emerei Dawson died."

 

Regardless of our deeds--pios,indifferent or amoral--in the end, after we’ve taken that ever-so-sweet last breath, we’re all reduced to fermented worm stew or burnt fertilizer. That’s all life amounts to: feeding the things that remain behind well after you’re gone. An eternal process of biodegrading. That’s what Lloyd Baker wanted to tell people when they thought twice about judging him for his past ill-reputes. Take your judgments and feed’em to the worms!

 

It's not clear who "Watchers" is/are.

I would not use the style of all those broken up sentences but it could just be I don't like the style. Other people might like it.

I like the last two sentences.

 

I would change the last two sentences, take out the filters: "That's what" and "when they thought".

Lloyd Baker wanted to tell people who judged him for his past ill-reputes: Take your judgments and feed’em to the worms!​

Or there might be another way to write that. Is Baker in front of these people? Are they gone now? However you do it, , make it more direct.

I like the prose.

 

That's answered in the next paragraph. The whole first paragraph is intended to raise multiple questions.

 

But if you start off confusing the readers they won't get as much out of the opening. Not saying you have to cram everything into an opening, obviously you can't. But you will hear similar criticisms when people open with characters identified only by pronouns. It can work but often it doesn't.

All you need is a brief reference that gives the reader something besides wondering if that is a name or a group. Tell me who they are and I'll give you some examples.

 

I tinkered with references earlier. They all detracted from the heft of the paragraph. There's no good way to get the necessary info in before it. Not without throwing off the whole first scene's pacing.

Having read this story's target market intensively, I'm pretty sure its audience won't have a problem waiting until the second paragraph to find out who the captain is speaking to.

 

Uh-oh. Somebody been beatin' over the head too many times with the 'filter' rule, haven't they? Learn it. Know it. Forget it. Makes things a helluva lot easier.

Lemme explain:

[That’s what Lloyd Baker wanted to tell people when they thought twice about judging him for his past ill-reputes. Take your judgments and feed’em to the worms!]
VS
[Lloyd Baker wanted to tell people who judged him for his past ill-reputes: Take your judgments and feed’em to the worms!]

While the latter way does have the filtering removed and is more 'technically' correct, the former version captures the low-rent rural country voice of the character. That's not even touching on the fact that this is a close third POV and the character wouldn't conceive of thinking in technically correct prose.

Be careful with applying all rules as blanketed dogmas--that'll drive you bonkers!

 

Although, after my second cuppa coffee, I could see the [Lloyd Baker wanted to tell people who judged him] as a valid revision. It still retains a country voice, yet the [those who thought twice] just has that extra twang in it. So, yeah . . . could be a tough call, flip a coin I guess.

 

I like it. My main thought is, “who the fuck is Emerei Dawson” which is a great thought to have. As long as you get some scene/tension in the first page, I’d keep reading.

 

While I see how his paragraph has artistic merit in terms of painting the character, I agree that it would be a more inviting read with most of the filters taken out.

 

No, but thank you anyway.

 

Here's the gazillionth version of my first paragraph. Have at it, all opinions welcome.

I’d never seen anything like them! Petals as big as serving platters filled the alluring meadow. Light from metallic surfaces cast a shimmer on the surrounding trees the way light reflects off water. A facade of solid surface stood a foot high above exposed roots that owed no allegiance to any single flower.

 

What's a facade of "solid surface"? Solid stone, solid wood, solid gold, solid beef, but surface is pretty indeterminate.

 

Thanks Iain. I know the imagery is odd and I wondered about using a different word for facade. I'll visit my thesaurus.