confession: the reason why I struggle so much with creative writing software is that I generally dislike the design of the UI, and because of that, it puts me off giving them even half a chance of being tried out by me. (i also partially blame this on the programmer part of me, terrible UI or Web Page design is painful for me)
Me too (though of the female variety). I have to see doctors more than I like unfortunately, but I push it out as long as humanly possible and other than the required visits (so I don't die), I have to be in fear for my life to bother. Me too. I wasn't ever bullied at school (I don't think they knew what to do with tiny little blonde in combat boots that didn't interact with anyone unless defending someone else), but my sister was. It was a weird thing, to be jumping in to defend my older sister at school and at home. Nobody messed with my sister without dealing with me. No one. I almost said "good for her" but then... that's weird, right? Cause it probably wasn't good for her. It wasn't good for me either, but I couldn't help it. It does! Such an odd reason. Right?! Why does it matter? Bizarre.
Right, Right.... my oldest sister was a handful to deal with. still a bit off.... Totally, thankfully my dad was the type to not just accept stupid. . One time he had my sister stay home from school because she was upset from a pimple on her nose.
Speaking of siblings and confessions... A sense of dread grows behind my solar plexus at the idea of being left alone with my only sibling, my brother, when my parents are gone. He's a mess. We've never had a good relationship, the current detente being the closest thing we've ever had to being "close". Emotionally, he's a freight train without brakes. Metaphysically, he's looking for something that I think doesn't exist. You ever see someone in their natural environment and you realize they are they way they are because those around them have scooted over to make extra room for this person, room others don't typically take up, that's my brother. My confession is that I am not the kind of person to make extra room.
Girl I didn't expect to have tears welling up in my eyes so soon after I woke up... I guess we had similar different but similar situations, I was never beaten but my mom was. As a 13 year old girl I would yell at the top of my lungs pleading with my mom to leave the piece of shit boyfriend who gave her two black and blue eyes. She defended all her abusers, especially when she was drunk... my little brothers I did my best to shield them from the worst of it. She would say "this is just how men are, generalizing abuse as if abuse, love, kindness were all just one thing instead of many things. I dislike generalization, I grind my teeth when I hear one as if that's the truth the whole truth so help you God. One of my mom's many boyfriends was Chuck Norris's cousin, Chuck must've never talked to him because he was an asshole. Also the asshole that gave my mom the black eyes. When he held her shoulder while she had those black eyes he smiled beatifically at me. I wanted to rip his arm off and beat him to death with it! My mom gave me a reproachful look shaking her head no. One night just after sundown in the house, I remember because the house was dark no lights were on. I could see Kevin's bearded and mustached face, moonlight shining through the window. I was only 13 and I was almost 5ft tall. He was considerably taller, it pissed me off that when I talked to him I had to look up to this cocksucker. Standing only a foot away from him, looking up at him*bites lip* I told him if he ever hurt my mom again I would kill him. He closed the distance leaving me only a little space. I looked up at him hate filling my eyes, I stepped even closer. I looked down at his hand to see a balled fist. I glared up at him... Do it! I dare you piece of shit, hit me. I'll fucking kill you if you ever touch her again! Take your shit, get the fuck out and NEVER come back. He looked down at me hate filled his eyes too. I looked him straight in the face daring him. Do it! Or get the fuck out! He was gone by morning I never saw him again. I didn't tell my mom what I did until about 25 years later. I love my mom, I understand why she thought the way she did. Her reasons were never simply one thing, she tries to pass generalizations off on me as if they are golden rules. Only one month ago I was frozen inside for a long time. I couldn't talk to anyone I didn't know. The ice shelf broke off and fell into the sea. I'm better than I've ever been, even with the scars inside and out. If anyone tells me to stop being strange, you should be normal like everyone else. One of the many, many reasons I'm able to talk to anyone now and not feel like my chest is clamming up. I don't believe the lies other people tell me anymore. I don't believe the lies I told myself. *I like shining in dark places, I like shining in shining places* *Hugs Trish so hard!* Thank you for your story Trish. We're both protectors that loves our family the good and the bad. Trish are you sure you wouldn't want to be a vampire instead of a werewolf? Trish, look deeply into my eyes... Why don't you become a vampire instead, I can help you with that. *licks her fangs* All you'll feel is the slightest of pressures the left side of your neck, like two butterflies landing there. Quiet quite peaceful pleasant warm glowing embrace. How about now? *offers my clawed hand*
I confess that I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the loss of a supermodel caliber girlfriend to a heroin overdose while I slept. I am five foot seven on a good day, and she was an easy six foot one on her worst. When we met I remember she was wearing yoga pants with stars and various planets emblazoned on them. She was looking a bit forlorn about something and I said: "What happened Larry Bird, did you get cut from the team? If you did I wouldn't fret any, because clearly, the universe is in your pants." She looked up at me slightly miffed, a little puzzled, and a smidge amused and replied: "Junior, you have to be seventy-two inches or more to ride this ride." I proceeded to show her my cowboy boots and said: "Good thing I brought my high heels for dudes to help me climb in that saddle." Today as she feeds me words of inspiration through the ether I find myself missing her for some reason more than on others, and I am not sure why. I swear if I am ever fortunate enough to be recognized, my wealth will go relentlessly to stomping a mudhole in the ass of opiates. R.I.P. A.L.I.
*I like shining in dark places, I like shining in shining places* SkinnyPuppy I am so sorry for your loss feels like the only words I can start with. They feel like they're the only words to use when I heard your one year anniversary is coming up for your ray of sunshine. She's beautiful. I love that you were shorter than her, you must've loved looking up into her eyes. Just know I'm here if you want to talk. Yesterday was my brothers anniversary and I got through it somehow. I believe. This place is special. This place is a small part of the reason I feel better about me. Everyone here is a small part of that to. We're all like a dysfunctional extended family, some of us like to drink blood, some of us like to jack horses, others still like to show disturbing videos of creepy dolls. So many stories here. You have a wonderfully twisted sense of humor Skinny, shine in shining places. *hugs* My offer extends to you as well, *holds out her clawed hand*
I'm so sorry for your loss, SP. Damn that fucking demon...Ugh. My words are inadequate, but I hope you find some comfort in them somewhere. There's a long string of substance loss in the history of my family / friends / loved ones, so please know you're not alone and that I send you strength, and lots of hugs if you like them.
SP my offer was not of the eternal kind I wouldn't keep you from your beloved Amazon Princess. I would sooner drive a stake through my own heart than let that happen. We vampires may say eternal but nothing lasts forever except Love. I extended a clawed hand only so you won't need recognition and money, you'll be able to rip out the throats of opiate pushers whenever you find them, wherever they are. *hugs* May that light that shines in you be magnified, joy, peace, love, and kindness be with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, SkinnyPuppy. I don’t know if I can say it much better than honey or Shenanigator, but you have our support here. If you need someone to make you smile or to listen to you or just to talk with or anything, we’re here for you. If you like hugs, here are a couple for you.
Hugs rule more than anything that has ever ruled before. (Envision Butthead from Beavis and Butthead voice)
I'm in your heads, right where I need to be. In my soul, I take in, collect, all your emotional and spiritual suffering, like a shaman. I cast it out through the Dream Circle, into the Spirit Circle. Now the Universe knows your pain, and it gives peace and love, and hope. I reach outward, from the Dream Circle, to fill the space I have created in you, with all that I have. Let all you have suffered sleep now, and reach into the Dream Circle. Take all that I have. There will be more, for you. I can truly take responsibility here, because I have been victim, and perpetrator. I have been abusive in intimidation and verbal, to my wives, and my son. I am physically violent to objects, totally destructive. It's no excuse, because it still betrays trust and intimacy, as I was betrayed. Then I turned it all upon myself, only to see how that affected my family too. I realized what I was becoming, and got the massive treatment they deserved me to get. Most individuals in my situation end up institutionalized, in prison, or dead, and that's a risk if I'm off meds. I spend my days in self imposed isolation, other than picking up my son, or helping my wife at home. If you suffer, tell me. I know both sides. I have learned, through torturous pain, to understand the mind of the addict, the victim, the self destructive, the angry, and the betrayed souls. I am awakened. I have something for you...
That is some heavy stuff Guy, I am sorry for all that stuff that happened. Hope you and your's are ok, and doing better. Curio as to what you have for me (well more us than just me)?
My addictions: past: gambling, smoking alcohol, idealised thinking such as "all women should be put on pedestals", people-pleasing, rumination, capitalism is evil, communism is not so bad, present: internet forums, social networking, religion, psychology, Christianity, Jordan Peterson, meaning of life questions, excessive anticipatory anxiety, excessive anxiety about the past (regret), food, my health and fitness or lack of,
I truly appreciate that, things are always one day at a time for all of us in this world. What I have for you is everything I have: Perspective, empathy (not just sympathy), a connection to what the world does to us, primally and spiritually - and time. The time I have is intimate time, in that I can only process one thing at a time. I invest myself in it, embrace it, live in it, become it.
Hi. I'm Mike. Nice to meet you. (10, 9... 3, 2, 1) Hi. I'm Mike. Nice to meet you. 10 second Mike was a character who had his short term memory damaged. He would live the rest of his days 10 seconds at a time, then start again. It's from a movie "50 first Dates". I knew a substance user with this kind of damage. I sometimes feel like that. I confess I sometimes wish for it.
Ohhhh, I saw that movie! Actually, I guess there are actually people who suffer from conditions almost as serious as that one. I remember watching a video in my psychology class about this musician who suffered from a TBI later in his life and could only remember at most maybe a minute at a time. What was interesting, though, was that he was still able to play the piano without too much trouble while sightreading the music, but his body had this weird reaction after he ended the song each time. Can’t remember why though
Confession: I’ve been looking up some of the more interesting usernames on this site on google to see what I’d find when I was bored. Not for creepy or cyber-stalky reasons, really, just to see what I’d find... though this is because when I looked up my own username, I kinda found some weird stuff. I’ve realized a bit that if you want to stay anonymous, you should make sure you use your username for only one site/account, especially if it’s not very common like mine. Or if you do use that username for other things, make sure it’s pretty common. Like if you were to put it in the search bar of google, nothing that’s actually related to you personally would be on the first page of results. What I thought was weird though, was that some of the results that came up with my username led to these really weird sites, some in other languages like Russian or Chinese, and others... porn sites. Not only that, but when you read the descriptions of some of those sites to see where the username was mentioned, it had other usernames from this site there too... I was not brave enough to click on most of these, although I was a little naive the first couple times... Like the description for one of them was “Cave Troll, Iain Aschendale, and Oscar Leigh like expository essay explained this...” and then the actual page is in Russian (I think...?) Sorry for snooping, but it wasn’t about trying to find out who people were. I’m just kinda creeped out and a little concerned now about how those sites our using our usernames... like one of those sites was for prostitution. So... maybe I’m overreacting or just being dumb, but I kinda would like an explanation if there is one.
I searched my Fet username, and it came back with notta. Did a search on my username here, and nothing. Though there was a Troll name generator for a Fantasy site.
Korsakov Syndrome. That was what they gave... one of the characters in the Sprawl trilogy. Taught him how to assemble a part at a factory in under 30 seconds, then gave him induced Korsakov's and put him to work for three years of jangling nightmares where he had no idea how long he'd been at it.
