The Not Happy Thread

But know that if he does come to you, @Jenissej , that you are under no obligation to continue the friendship. It sounds like he's trying to control all the parameters of the friendship, with no give and take or respect for your feelings. You have to decide if that's acceptable to you, because it will not change.

Sounds like he's surrounded by yes people (meaning people who tend to give him his way), and you're not a yes person. That won't change, either.

 

My parents' marriage was a complete disaster, so I feel like I've got enough experience to tell you one thing:

She confessed, and she confessed soon. This is a good sign. When people stop caring enough to be honest, that's when it's over.

I'm not saying it definitely can or should be saved, I don't know enough about the rest of your relationship, but the fact that she confessed says to me she screwed up and wants to get past it, otherwise she'd have kept her mouth shut and scheduled a lot more parties.

And, and this is important although it's too early, if you do decide to make it work, there will come a time when you need to draw a line under the incident and not mention it again. Even if you're really angry. Especially if you're really angry, because you/she won't be able to make things work if this is always hanging there.

But that's for later, for right now, just remember that she confessed.

 

Just a question
how do you mean by
you knew?

 

As a fiercely independent person, I can understand how it happened, even though from your perspective it's frustrating, and maybe even seems idiotic that she didn't just ask you for help.

You've read my progress journal, so you know I live with a chronic illness (reactivated mono) that occasionally takes me down. My place has a lot of stairs, and the laundry, mailbox, trash, and recycling are all downstairs. If I'm in a bad symptom flare, going up and down those stairs is a bitch can be a bit precarious...especially if I'm carrying anything. But dammit, I'd feel like an ass knocking on my neighbor's door to say, "Would you mind getting my mail?" Or taking down my trash? Or carrying my laundry? It's not their job to do that. So, I have ways of resting items on my hip so they don't throw off my balance and make my way down there at sloth pace. I'm used to it.

But, bless them, my neighbors across from me, if they see me on their way out, always offer to help and are sincere about it. If I'm having trouble, I take them up on it. A lot of people say "let me know if you need anything" all the time as a polite conversation ender and don't really mean it, so in those situations, I don't.

She doesn't want to be a burden. If you want to help, you've gotta knock on her door and say, "Hey, I'm going to the supermarket later, do you need anything?" Then she knows you're sincere and that you really do want to help her. At first she'll probably refuse, but if she sees it's no trouble because you're already headed that way, she'll let you help.

 

Yeah, I hear ya. I'm a hell of a stubborn person myself (Independence is freedom to me), so her not wanting to bother me just clicked. I'm actually guilty of the same crime though with less harsh consequence.....can already see me as the stubborn old bastard in thirty years, haha.

The frontal assault might be best here, like you described. I'll just swing on by every now an again and make sure she's okay.

 

I do federal security and it makes me notice things easier. There were several indicators, and inconsistencies in her story.

 

Truth. Trust. Intimacy. These are the only issues, going forward. No process of 'he said', or 'you didn't', or 'we never'...
Trust follows Truth. Intimacy follows Trust - In that order only.

Intimacy is the only reason for a true commitment. That means getting back to intimacy is the goal.
Truth. It starts with Truth, about yourself, about your mate, accepting it, facing it.
Truth can only be shared, it can't be demanded. That's how you know if it will work out.
Get all the help you can, but remember the goal. Do not put up barriers, such as 'earn things back'. It will take both of you to build trust.
Be ready to ask yourself and your mate, and answer truthfully, the following question.
What do we want?

I have suffered much, with many regrets, so I hope the above moves you forward.

All my best wishes for your recovery and happiness.

 

I'm at the dentist and guess what?! I've two wisdom teeth that they feel need to be taken out because they're putting my good teeth in danger. D:

 

My parents divorced because my mom cheated on my dad. I was too young back then to remember much of it, as they naturally tried to hide it from me. But I remember lots of shouting.
What I now know is that my mom also confessed. But instead of ceding the decision whether to break up to my dad, she decided the marriage was beyond repair and divorced, even though he tried to hold on. That, not the confession, was the real bad decision she made.

Confessing can be a selfish act to ease their own bad consciousness (and in my mom's case it certainly played a part) but it can also mean they also value your feelings enough to give up control of the situation instead of taking the easy route out.
Thinking, "I won't tell so to not hurt their feelings" is also a convenient way of brushing off guilt. After all, you're doing it for them.

In my eyes, the question of what is worse, confessing or keeping it secret, really depends on what one expects from a partner. Honesty or consideration?

I for one wouldn't be hit as hard by a partner cheating on me than finding out that they are keeping it secret. I want to be able to decide what's best for me and my betraying me, my partner would have proven that they're not fit to make that decision.

 

Unfortunately, that's nothing one can actively do.

 

I'm the kind of person who wants to know if someone's done something that could upset me. I can and do feel intensely guilty about things. I can't conceal things, because my conscience doesn't let me, and I'm happy with that. It serves me well. Covering up is devious, and means you can not trust that individual-IMO. Claiming they did that for my sake I view to be a cop out. I will decide what is in my interests, and full honesty and facts is best for me. I'd rather a painful truth than a sweet lie.

 

1-I didn't realise orcas went to the dentist.
2-You'll be fine, as long as you're not afraid of dentists.

 

Dad fell today and hurt his neck (which he had surgery on) and bumped his head ever so slightly. I don't recommend anyone take any head insults -at all- but he insists his neck and back are worse off than his head. >_>;

He's going to the doctor since he can't even look left without a "fucking bad pain" shooting through his spine. I'll be cutting my daily activities in half today so I can help him out.

 

Thinks she may have just created another problem for herself. *sigh*

 

Damn my self built prison! If only I could slip myself a key...

 

...And the moral of this story kids is...don't cheat!

 

My hand an I are very happy together. So this won't ever happen.

 

"Until the subject fell victim to alien hand syndrome..."

 

Idle hands!

 

Finally saw a doctor for my hole just to get it looked at. He’s referring me to a specialist to see what’s up.