Driving home from work at 5 am from a 13 hour shift and my fucking nose decides to start pouring blood. What the fuck! I haven’t snorted anything other than air in more than half a decade! Best part? I keep my car spotless, so there’s nothing to staunch the blood flow other than my nice white shirt. I tried to use my hand, but...you know...holding liquid and all, just wound up down the front of my shirt anyway.
My blood pressure is prime: 119/78 as of a few hours ago. I’m semi-neurotic, and I work in a medical facility, so I check that shit regularly.
LOL, not only don't I know my BP score, I don't even know what counts as good or bad. We're all dead in the long run anyways.
Having panic attacks are no fun. :[ Especially when you're at work and you have to pretend everything's fine and totally under control -- meanwhile your brain is acting like a nuclear war just broke out. :[
When you have a nosebleed you should pinch your nose shut like you're keeping a bad smell out of it. I had nosebleeds at random when I was a kid. Get it off my dad, who had to have his nose cauterised.
Probably just failed an exam for a 5 week summer class. Sink cabinet at home keeps flooding. Not prepared for the lab exam in an hour and a half. Not prepared for the presentation tomorrow. Not prepared for life, but that's fine. Had a $400 booking for September cancel. Every song reminds me of the same person right now. And all of that is evident any time I try to add to my recent WIP. Oh well. - t
Dude I didn’t either, until I started working in a place which has on hand every machine I could possibly need to indulge my neuroticism.
I'll be receiving almost $4,000 less in tuition assistance for school next year. That's the $4,000 I was counting on to help me pay for field school. I have no idea how I'm going to complete this degree now.
This happened to me as well for the Fall 2018 - Spring 2019 year. It's funny because absolutaly nothing has changed for me financially, but they decided I now have some disposable income to help pay for school?
Did check the report? For myself, it said I was nearing the allotted amount I could receive loan wise. Of course they didn't tell me this right off the bat. Ugh. Edit: And my school has decided that I'm not an e-campus student, but it seems like they do that every other year.
Haven't been sleeping well for the last few nights, strange dreams full of hostility and threats, and last night's repeated aftershock rumbles didn't help much either. The media are reporting anything between a 5.3 and a 6.1 on the Western scales, on the Japanese scale I'd go for Lower 6 probably. And this may be just a foreshock to the real earthquake to come. Useless fact: In Japan, earthquakes are studied and reported on by the Japanese Meteorogical Agency. Yes, they're weather here...
So I accidentally overheard a coworker complaining about me. Loudly, to the whole office. She thought I was gone for the day, but I was sitting quietly in the corner. I popped my head up, apologized for making her angry, and sat back down. She was shocked and appalled and immediately apologized. But I admit... I’m very hurt and quite embarrassed.
Part of the reason it upsets me so much is just... I don’t know how obvious this is to others, but I have struggled my entire life with intense feelings of anxiety. I have a lot of trouble talking to people and loathed myself for years. I’ve had brief problems with self-harm. I’ve been to therapy twice. I’m still quite young, but I’m very proud of the person I’ve become. It’s taken a lot of fucking work to get here. I used to read self-help books on learning social skills. I used to memorize jokes out of joke books. I try my absolute hardest, 24/7, to be a positive, hard-working person. So I suppose— It just upsets me. I’m trying. I really am. I feel like people take that effort for granted sometimes. I suppose I’ll go for a workout and go work my on my romantic comedy. That usually makes me feel better.
My cat has decided her best move right now is to stress me the fuck out by refusing to eat. Thanks, you little brat. I have a biopsy and a PET scan tomorrow, but on Wednesday I guess I'm carting her off to the vet. I feel super guilty for not noticing the problem earlier, and she's already lost quite a bit of weight, but I've been a little preoccupied with my own health lately. I'm kind of hoping she's just picked up on my stress and that's the cause for the hunger strike, because if she ends up having a real health problem of her own that's going to completely destroy my nerves. I've had the beastie for over half my life, she's been a comforting constant through a lot of rough teenage and adult bullshit, and I'm exactly the type of loser who claims their cat as their best friend. I absolutely cannot deal with something happening to her right now.
Thanks. I just wish I was better at brushing it off. I wish I could be one of those... impenetrable, self-confident people who think “fuck her” and let it go.
Nah. Those people are probably assholes. If they can't be hurt themselves, they wouldn't bother to be careful to not hurt others, right? You be you. Being sensitive sucks, but it's better than the alternative!
I'm still upset, but I channeled it into something good. Went to my garden. Dug up a bunch of plants and rearranged my oriental lilies so they were more aesthetically pleasing. I made two beds: a bed for the pink and purple lilies, and a bed for the red and yellow lilies. I put a few white columbine between them for contrast. I feel better, ish. It's very soothing work outside. The lilies were completely mixed before, and although they're excellent plants (and very healthy), they needed to be moved.