The Not Happy Thread

Don't worry, by its nature this problem will resolve itself eventually. Maybe at the loss of a few driving mirrors here and there but casualties can never be ruled out.

 

And what was crazy was, he was didn't even have a command of the bike. Like, there was no confidence in his riding. He was swerving all over the place and he was on a small sidewalk, AND he was looking down at his phone periodically lol.

Unreal.

 

There’s no return address on the envelope. I know his address of course, but if the idea is to make him think I’ve moved then writing his address and sending it back would clearly reveal that the person who sent it back knows who he is and where he lives. I.e. he’ll know it was me.

I have a feeling my lack of response to his letter, dating app message and now birthday card will cause him to escalate. I already know he’s been in my area (he showed up nearby on a dating app) so it’s only a matter of time before we “coincidentally” bump into each other. At which point all of his communication will be sent to the police.

 

Urgh!

I've just come back from a holiday, which was fun and I enjoyed it, but I did have to share a room with my brother, who has anxiety and all the social skills of a hatbox. He kept going on and on about what he didn't like about me, constantly rolled his eyes at me and mocked my political views, even when we weren't discussing politics. I hate the way he makes me feel. He just kept making me so angry, and I even resorted to violence a few times, which I haven't done since I was about ten. He would then tell our parents and not mention, of course, that he lashed out back, and worse (I kicked him a few times, he pulled me partially off my bed with my head on the floor and my neck at an angle and stamped repeatedly on my head, he also put his arm around my throat) and I didn't want to tell our parents. I told Mum about the constant discussion of my faults and she said that he needs someone with whom he can just abandon all social conventions and it's good that he feels comfortable enough with me to do that. I didn't know how to tell her that it just makes me feel like crap and I just keep internalising it. I've never had much self-esteem and I'm worried that I'm slipping back down the road of hating myself, but they already have my brother to deal with, they don't need my issues as well. I'm an adult now, I need to buck up and get my shit together on my own, I can't expect Mummy to solve all my problems any more.

I think it's because I'm afraid of going to university and having to look after myself and pay my own way through life, etc. I know I'll be poor and I'm worried that a pound over my budget every week will leave me unable to feed myself at the end of term. I also don't plan to come home over the holidays any more. I can stay in my accommodation over the holidays, so I'll find a job locally and hopefully that'll buy me enough to eat - all the other essentials are covered in my accommodation fees. I'll be fine, but it's still a scary prospect. I feel like there's no room for me in this family any more. Now I'm an adult I just feel like an additional burden, especially with my brother, and especially since other people my age have had jobs for years. My brother certainly doesn't want me around - Mum even said he'd be better off as an only child right now!

Sorry about the long post - I just needed to rant and these things are hard to talk about with my parents - my brother has anxiety, for fuck's sake, I should be loving him and supporting him unconditionally!

 

@EstherMayRose
Your brother’s issues aren’t your responsibility. Your parents are being neglectful by allowing him to assault you and emotionally abuse you. If they aren’t prepared to do what needs to be done to change this, then for the sake of your own mental health you should get out. Surround yourself with people who respect you and make you feel good about yourself.

 

CT, the fact that it's a beach umbrella, which is the last place and thing one wants during a thunderstorm, makes that even more hilarious.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, EM. Listen up: You matter. Did you get that? I'll say it again. You matter. You matter. You. Not just your brother.

Your parents should be loving and supportive of both of their children, instead of favoring one child to the exclusion of the other. They're not helping your brother to grow up to be a healthy individual by making everything about him.

I'm sorry they're doing this, EM, and I wish you felt like you could tell them how it makes you feel. I'm sorry this can't help more, but here's a hug if you like them. You got this.

 

I'm stuck on the "stamping on your head" part. Are you OK? How serious is this violence???

 

Me too, that's not sibling spat level stuff, that's domestic battery. The fact that you started it doesn't make that kind of escalation okay.

 

I think I should tell Mum and Dad about the fights. They're just like the ones we used to have as kids, so I brushed them off as not too serious. What I didn't mention was that one fight ended with me yelling that I was going to strangle him and ending up crying a storm. My brother went and got my mum and I thought he'd gone to tell her about the strangling but no, he'd admitted that we'd had a fight and he'd punched me in the head and that he couldn't get me to stop crying, so she came to check I was OK. What I hate is that in every one of our fights I was the one who lashed out first. I don't think my parents can be blamed for any of this. They can't do anything about incidents that they don't know about, but it's just so exhausting to report every single incident, I just can't be arsed.

My family's always been a really happy group, it's only since my brother's diagnosis that I've started feeling like I can't say what's on my mind. I think it's because I feel guilty about how I feel, and my brother's the one with the anxiety, he needs extra attention to help him manage it, so it's up to me to step back and let him have it. I suppose I'm also scared about saying how I really feel because you can't tell anyone "I hate your son", especially not your parents. I suppose we all have some adjusting to do. Boarding school probably also had a role to play, he's a shock to the system every holiday.

We're going to pick the cat up tomorrow, maybe he'll be happier when he's reunited with his beloved puss puss. He's a therapy cat. Besides, we did have some good conversations, it wasn't all bad. I suppose I need to talk to my mum when my brother's not around, but she's obviously very busy, so I don't know when we'll fit it in.

 

Get away from that, asap. Like, asap... super asap. I'm not going to psychoanalyze anything in a long draw out post. But based off what I have experienced growing up and reading these few posts, I would recommend you leave, even if you have to struggle for a while. That is not healthy, and over time it is going to wear away at your health, first mentally, and then physically, eventually leading to some sort of breakdown (if you haven't had a few already). A peaceful mind and soul worth more than anything. Because when your mind fails, your body is soon to follow.

 

I'm worried something is wrong with Pumpkin (my kitty).

Her behavior has suddenly changed. She's normally very sweet, confident, and affectionate. But we let her back inside today, and she's very upset. She yowls, hisses, and hides under things. She let my husband pick her up (he's her favorite) but she won't let anyone else go near her.

We can't figure it out. She doesn't appear injured, but it's obviously she's very upset. I wonder if she's sick.

very weird. I'm going to take her to the vet for a check up.

 

Cats are often aggressive when they're hurting - I think you're right to get her to the vet. I hope she's okay!

 

Good idea. I had a cat who behaved that way when she was in pain from a problem with bladder stones /crystals in her urine. (Treated with a special diet, and I think there was a med for a week or two.) I hope Pumpkin feels better soon!

 

I just lost a pair of earrings that I was planning on using tomorrow. I remember picking them up, but I don't remember where I put them. I searched my whole room. Even used a flashlight to see if I saw any glittering from the diamonds (Don't worry they're fake)
But still. I can't find them anywhere. Also, I really don't want one to end up in my foot.
And, my room is clean. It's not like there's a million places for them to hide.
Ugh.

 

Did you pick up your phone to answer a text? Bathroom run? Pitstop in the kitchen for a drink? Those are usually the culprits with me. I finally put little dishes in every room of my apartment. ETA: I read the '30's actress Marlene Dietrich had ashtrays she'd stolen from hotels around the world all around her apartment for that purpose, so I may have bought a vintage ashtray or two for that.

 

Aww, I hate that... I"ve had times where i've said "It fell straight down, how the fuck did it disappear." One time I had something fall into my pocket and didn't notice and spent along time search for it till I found it in my pocket.

 

This guy might find them.

 

No I didn’t leave my room. They were lying on my desk when I picked them up, and I thought I laid them on the dresser, but they’re not there. I’ve checked basically everywhere, though. Even checked my closet and my bed because I was laying clothes on my bed and I was in my closet getting clothes out. Got down on the floor and checked too. Nothing. There’s only one more place I can think of, which is in my dresser. Reason being, if I did laid them there they might’ve fell in the dresser because how it’s made there’s a crack big enough for little tiny earrings to fall into it, which would fall into one of two drawers. If they aren’t there, I really don’t know...
Maybe the ghost of pretty stuff took it...

 

I love that line!!! *High five*

Well, ghost aside, they've gotta be there somewhere then. Don't vacuum 'til you find them! LOL

ETA: That metal detector made me think of something...I wonder if they'd stick to a magnet passed over the floor, your bed, et al.

 

Damn those ghost of Pretty stuff. .
Maybe it is blending in with something, and your just not noticing them. That has happened to me. I've had customers loose their cards because they blended in with some store ad on the counter.

 

In my previous flat, we had a "black hole" where things disappeared every day! I get that occasionally in this place, though nowhere near as bad. But, when things do go missing, I get enraged because there is nowhere for anything to go to! I almost always find whatever it is in the most ridiculous place that makes no sense.

 

You are not alone. My sister was like this. She took immense pleasure from mocking me, and winding me up. She knew how to press my buttons, and did it a lot! Then, when I lashed out at her, she'd run off to tell mum and dad about what a terrible thing I did, but neglect to mention her own part in the event!! Not surprisingly, I don't talk to her anymore. She is still the same, and has actually gotten worse over the years. When she got married, she became a bridezilla as well, and started having a go at me about how I was going to travel there. I can't say I miss her much. I miss the nice sister she sometimes was, but I doubt if she's still in there anymore. Because she was the eldest of us two, there wasn't a lot I could do about the situation. I had to wait until she moved out. We did have our own rooms at home though once I got to secondary school.

I don't personally think that anxiety is an acceptable excuse for treating you like shite. Downplaying the situation doesn't help anyone, especially not your brother. In future, I would say to walk away. Go out around the block or something. Don't stay in that same physical space if you don't have to. It's not worth it.

 

I'm going to be completely blunt in my response here because this is a serious issue. I hope this doesn't offend you, but this really needs to be said.

No. It just means your brother has been assaulting you for years. That makes it worse, not better.

Sounds like that's because he pushes you to it judging by what you've said about his behaviour.

Sorry, but they can. This is one sibling physically assaulting and emotionally abusing the other. Your parents are entirely responsible for this.

This is victim blaming, and it's not ok. You wouldn't blame a woman who was being beaten up by her husband because she didn't call the police. You would hold the husband responsible for his actions and consider the woman a victim. The situation here is even worse, because the people who are responsible for ensuring your safety are not doing so. If your brother assaults you with such violence as stamping repeatedly on your head, then there will have been marks and bruises. Your parents should have questioned this and addressed the issue years ago. The fact that it is still going on points the blame squarely at them.

A diagnosis changes nothing. It only labels the situation which was already there. And you're not helping anyone by not talking about this stuff. It's just going to perpetuate it. You need to talk to your parents about this immediately. Make them aware of what is going on and demand that they do something about it. If they won't, call the police and report it. Make no mistake - assault to the level of stamping on your head puts your life at risk.

Not your problem. That's your parents' job.

There's a difference between giving your family space, such as not demanding so much attention so he can have more time with your parents, be taken to therapy etc., and rolling over and letting him batter you. I don't care what his issues are. What he is doing is assault and it is not ok. I work with some very severely autistic young people, and at no point will I tolerate them harming me, themselves or anyone else. And anyone who even hints that such behaviour is excusable because they are anxious or need more help will receive a very strongly worded response from me. No diagnosis is a green light to harm others.

Of course you can. You have every right to say that.

Also not your problem. The school should be working with your parents to ease the transition from residential school to home. If they're not doing that and he is as a result assaulting you, then they are making you responsible for the fact that he can't manage.

 

Applause to you, @mashers . With this post, you said a lot of the things I badly wanted to say but didn't feel qualified to. Thank you for laying all that out so clearly.