Hi, I am in the process of writing a high fantasy story, and am in need of some feedback on an injured character. I want to know, what other people think of my character's injuries. I am vary open to any and all feedback, so don't hesitate to say your mind. Because it is faster if my character is to explain then for me, I will let him do the taking. (Yes, we are talking about Leone for those of you who have reed my other post.) Leone's POV: If he was to be truly honest with himself, then the fact that he had survived his Oak Hill at all, was a miracle. Few could have, and he knew that well. A lance blow to the chest alone was a major injury; the blow alone had broken most of his ribs, as well as his collarbone. The fore of the blow had thrown him from his horse, not a short distance. His war stallion, Battle Wind had been over 17 hands. The landing had been made harder by the fact that he had been in plate armour. Battle Wind had given him no time to recover or free himself, his right foot had become tangled with the stirrup; before rearing. It was not know if Battle Wind rearing, or if hitting the ground had broken his right lag. By the time someone had calmed Battle Wind, he had been semi conscious, and practical dead. His injuries had been, nearly mortal. Most if not all of his ribs had been broken, blood had already been filling has lungs, his right lag had been a mess of shattered bone, muscle, and more blood. His right arm, and left wrist had also been broken. The worst injury however was the one to his back, a number of vertebrae had been broken. Ether by the fall, or by being reputedly slammed into the ground by Battle Wind. He had been lucky that a healer with magic had been present, or he would have died where he was. As it was, it had taken the better part of a year before he had 'recovered'. He had been left with a severe limp, he had been lucky to keep his lag at all. Breathing problems, as a result of his broken ribs ternning his lungs in to pin cushions. The last had been the damage done to him back, there was nothing the healers could do to help him, with the never ending pain it caused. That is what happened, if you have any questions just let me know.
I'm not sure what kind of feedback you are asking for. As I was reading I was thinking to myself it was quite unrealistic that he would survive these injuries (internal bleeding notwithstanding, breaking all of your ribs would make it almost impossible to breathe). But when I saw that he was healed with magic this made sense. There are a number of technical issues in this piece, but if you want feedback on that then you really should post in the workshop once you have met the requirements to do so. If you are looking for more specific feedback on the injuries the character received, then it would be helpful if you could ask a more specific question. What exactly is it that you want to know?
Why do you need such severe injuries, if you'll then be fixing them with magic? I feel as if you're in a middle ground that doesn't work. If magic can do essentially anything in your world, up to and including resurrecting someone (because it seems like this guy should be dead before someone could even run over to him), then I feel that he should be fully healed. If magic can't do essentially anything, then I think that it would be more realistic for the injuries to be lighter.
One thing that jumps out at me is that you state that he had trouble breathing because, "broken ribs ternning his lungs in to pin cushions." If his lungs are punctured, he wouldn't be able to breathe at all, especially if it's as severe as you've described. Punctures in your lungs defeats the purpose of your lungs because, as they attempt to expand with oxygen, all of that oxygen would escape through the holes and you wouldn't be able to breathe in the slightest. Therefore, if the magical medic hadn't been able to fix the punctures and they persist, he'd be the first human being ever to be able to survive without breathing.
In addition to what others have said, I would also like to point out how it's not in the moment. There's no feeling of danger, no feeling of 'oh, this character almost died.' It's telling over showing. The character is seemingly unconcerned over his near-death experience. I'm not certain if you have already written a in the moment scene. If you have then that leaves this one redundant.
