Is it grammatically correct to occasionally start a new line in the middle of a sentence for emphasis? If I remember correctly, I saw this in one book I was reading and I really liked it. I have it in two places within 15,000+ words my WIP, and I was wondering if that's correct, or at least okay. By "okay," I mean it won't bother the majority of readers. If it isn't okay, what would be a good alternative? This example is from a part of the story where the POV goes to sleep in another character's bunk when they thought he was asleep. I broke the sentence up to emphasize how happy said character is that the POV decided to do that. It's a trend throughout my story that new lines are formed for emphasis, but only twice is a sentence broken like this. Here's the example: "He wasn’t asleep, but he sure was happy."
Technically, grammatically, no. Line breaks are used to organize sentences into similar thoughts, but that doesn't mean you can't try it. Novels do tonnes of stuff that isn't technically grammatically correct and get away with it. Only problem I can see with it is that breaking a line usually marks a shift from one thought, or line of reasoning to another, so if you keep randomly breaking lines all over the place it could just get overwhelmingly confusing or exhausting for anyone reading. But worst you could do is try it and see how it works.
Were I to see this, I would consider it an error, a technical goof at the point of publication. If instead, you did this: "He wasn’t asleep... but he sure was happy." or "He wasn’t asleep." Bill scratched his head, and his cheeks went red. "But he sure was happy." I would get the same emphasis without it looking like an error. I don't doubt that your report of having seen your original break is true, but I would not engage that as something that feels purposeful and reasoned. It just looks like a mistake.
Sorry, I don't like the examples. Maybe I need to see the whole context. He wasn't asleep...but he sure was happy, would only make sense if the character had insomnia or something and had been trying very hard to get to sleep but something must have made him happy just now so he didn't care. The second example totally confuses me. I don't get what you are saying.
Sorry, new here. I think maybe I was responding to you, when you said: *****If instead, you did this: "He wasn’t asleep... but he sure was happy." or "He wasn’t asleep." Bill scratched his head, and his cheeks went red. "But he sure was happy." *************
Okay, I figured. You just have to pad the original example with a little corresponding context, front and back, and it works just fine. Bill tipped his head into the doorway to see if Ted was awake yet. He was. And he was masturbating. Bill pulled his head back into the hallway in shock. Geez Louise, whodathunk Ted had such monster of a schlong? Bill tiptoed down the stairs, praying that the floorboards didn’t creak. They didn’t. Thank God. “Is he awake or not?” asked Tammy from the stove where she was flipping hotcakes. "He wasn’t asleep... but he sure was happy,” Bill dropped cryptically and then ducked out the back door to find a place to laugh hysterically. And it works equally well with: Bill tipped his head into the doorway to see if Ted was awake yet. He was. And he was masturbating. Bill pulled his head back into the hallway in shock. Geez Louise, whodathunk Ted had such monster of a schlong? Bill tiptoed down the stairs, praying that the floorboards didn’t creak. They didn’t. Thank God. “Is he awake or not?” asked Tammy from the stove where she was flipping hotcakes. "He wasn’t asleep." Bill scratched his head, and his cheeks went red. "But he sure was happy." Bill then ducked out the back door to find a place to laugh hysterically.
LOL! See... context makes a difference. It could go: "He wasn't asleep and he had this really happy expression on his face". In real life that's how I would say it.
Understood, but the OP wasn't asking about wording. She was asking about the use of an unusual, nonstandard format in the form of a line-break dead in the middle of a sentence. I have no actual idea what the OP is referring to with the words of the sentence. The question regards formatting. My little scene is nothing more than a silly interpretation for the sake of clarification.
I get what you're saying. I just thought the OP (does op mean online poster?) wanted to see different ways it could be handled. Don't like their way. I believe in natural dialogue, like what it would sound like in real life. I wouldn't suddenly say "but he sure was happy" I would say " he LOOKED happy"
