The Not Happy Thread

You should write that up and send it to a goofy mag.

 

On Mozilla/Firefox browser, you can turn on ad blocker and not have to deal with ads at all.

 

I used to have an adblocker installed (I use Vivaldi, which supports Chrome extensions), but I removed it because I joined a survey about how different people perceive ads. That said, I never had time to actually participate in the survey since I flew to South Africa.

 

Based on the things I highlighted in your response, you have some thinking patterns that need to get nipped in the bud. Are they normal? Yes and no. A couple of them highlight unrealistic viewpoints about yourself. You are not a useless piece of crap who cannot do anything right. You're someone who is very likely under a lot of stress and you're not sure how to regulate the emotions that are coming from that stress. This is pretty common among university students. I used to work at the university myself, and I seen these poor students basically tear themselves apart. Yet, they were our brightest minds and our best hope for the future. I believe this to be true of you too. Please go talk to someone, these kinds of thoughts will limit your overall potential.

 

I have somehow managed to delete my entire profile from google. I have lost all my bookmarks, I can't access most of my accounts, because I can't remember my passwords! FMTL (fuck my technological life).
AND I have lost my ad blockers! FFS!

 

As I am slowly putting things back together, I think the thing I will actually miss the most is the ad blockers.

 

All I know is I've lost them, and I'm pissed about it, cos I have no idea how to get them back, or even if I can.

ETA: Just reinstalled them both.

 

I'm here again.

I haven't slept well these past couple of days and tonight/last night/whatever I got dragged out to a charity event that finished at eleven. Needless to say I was exhausted when I got back and I started to get ready for bed and then fell asleep on top of my duvet (sideways). I woke up half-ready for bed at around half past three - I have to get up at eight - and I was just furious with myself. I went and checked if I was remembering correctly if I had a seminar - they're every other week - and I was, so I went and looked to see about reading (which the seminars focus entirely on and which I hadn't done) and I was still angry so I performed what you might call percussive therapy on my laptop when the Internet slowed down and literally every page but the reading list would load. I wanted to just throw the thing on the floor and watch bits and pieces fly everywhere, but I couldn't bring myself to so I threw it on the bed and then "accidentally" let it slide off my lap onto the floor when I was putting it away. It made a loud crash and I realised that the person below would hear everything but I was still mad so I picked up my clock and chucked that across the room instead - I love how I still throw destructive temper tantrums like a four-year-old, by the way - and some bits came off. In my attempt to fix them back on, the whole thing came apart and I couldn't fit the two halves back together. Eventually I managed it but the screen won't display the time any more, so I think I'll have to write that clock off, which is sad because I've had it for many years and I use it every day. I'm going to take it to a repair shop in the morning but I don't have my hopes up.

So then I decided that I did need to see a counsellor. So I found a slip of paper I'd been given during Freshers' Week with a web address on it and the website said that I'd need a referral from my GP. Well, I don't have a GP because I haven't registered yet, and I've missed the deadline by two months so I think my strategy for this year is "don't get ill" (the form asks for weird stuff like my exact height and weight), and that's probably going to take months of waiting for an underfunded over-stretched service that can't afford to keep me on for long enough to do any actual good, like the last counsellor I had, which was with CAMHS, while taking up a space that could go to someone who actually needs it. So I gave up on seeing a counsellor.

Then I just ended up in this extreme, destructive state of anger. I ended up crying and telling myself I was just being melodramatic and I was utterly worthless and that I should just do the world a favour by ending my miserable existence and removing my presence. But of course it's now four in the morning so I couldn't cry too loudly or I'd wake my flatmates. I wanted to just scream like a fucking toddler, and the one thought I had was that I really wanted to punish myself. I'd already thought of ways to do that and the three options I had in mind were stabbing myself in the arm with a knife - a small one - cutting off all my hair, which was the most persistent one, or just stopping sleeping and eating altogether. I knew I'd never stick to the third one and I'd probably chicken out of the first one and there was a voice in my head that reminded me of the time I cut off a piece of my hair when I was nine because it was annoying me and my mum was kind enough to wait two years for the short bit to grow down to my shoulders before having the rest of my hip-length hair cut off to match and I told myself that I'd regret cutting off all my hair instantly.

And then I went on Amazon to see if I could find another clock just like the one I broke and I couldn't. But while I was browsing I got steadily less angry and then I felt disappointed and a different sort of angry that I wasn't angry any more and I still kind of want to cut off my hair and I don't know why. Maybe to prove that I can. I've always been vain about my hair, maybe this'll cure it. But I don't have the adrenaline I need any more and I want to be angry again, and I don't know why. Now it's ten past five and I'm tired and hungry but I'm not going to go to sleep or have breakfast. I was considering watching an episode of one of the series I've been watching, but I feel like I don't deserve to.

I'm just throwing this out into the void because my mum is obviously asleep and I feel so alone right now.

EDIT: Fifteen minutes later and I no longer have the urge to cut off my hair. I just feel empty and deadened. Tantrum over.

 

Well, at least you're making solid progress on adulthood. Don't worry. It gets... easier? Better? Something like that. Jading seems to take the edge off at the very least.

 

@EstherMayRose- Maybe some chamomile tea before bed or an over-the-counter sleep aid would help. Good luck!

 

I think we might be rage twins. Seriously, I have been there and done those feelings-more than once. I've thrown things to make myself feel better/worse. My mobile is usually my target of choice, as it's small, readily available and cheap (I've only had one smartphone, and it didn't last a month before I killed it). I tend to cut/shave my hair, and it really does work for me. Not suggesting that you should do that, it's entirely up to you. Just bear in mind the time of year, and whether you suit hats before you make your final decision on that front.
Sleep has a massive impact on my emotions, but I still have problems getting enough adequate sleep, as I can't switch my brain off at night.
You are not alone in these feelings...far from it in fact.

 

The damn kitten ran off with my glasses again. Do you know how difficult it is to search for something when you can't see what it is you're searching for because what you're searching for is what you need to see?

 

I feel you on this, though not involving a kitten.

 

It wasn't me!

 

I found them, the kitten dragged my glasses down to the basement. At least she didn’t drop them in the litter box.

 

I've only been awake for two and a half hours, and I want to go back to bed.
Scho... schleepy...

 

This is me right now. I seem to have forgotten what sleep is. This was my fourth all-nighter in a row and I don't have time to squeeze in a nap today.

Although I'd never drink that coffee. I only drink coffee that's sufficiently diluted with milk and sugar not to taste like coffee.