Re-reading my story and found a couple places where the punctuation gets a little dodgy. Can you guys help me with this? Sentence 1: She had been pleased to discover that she was actually fairly decent at archery- all those years of hauling flour sacks left her quite capable of drawing even the heaviest of bows- something the Bowmaster had been happy to find out. I don't think the hyphens are quite right. Should I separate it into two sentences somehow? (FYI the Bowmaster is the master of archery, aka her teacher in a medieval soldier training environment) Sentence 2: “Elodie, this means my father was...is? most likely nobility.” The character speaking doesn't know who her father is or if he's alive, so she's questioning what word to use mid-sentence. Does this work with the question mark in the middle?
She had been pleased to discover that she was actually fairly decent at archery; all those years of hauling flour sacks left her quite capable of drawing even the heaviest of bows, something the Bowmaster had been happy to find out. Or She had been pleased to discover that she was actually fairly decent at archery. All those years of hauling flour sacks left her quite capable of drawing even the heaviest of bows,/. something the Bowmaster had been happy to find out. “Elodie, this means my father was...is...most likely nobility.” Or “Elodie, this means my father was...is? Most likely nobility.” Just my ideas, and I hope I helped in either sentence.
For the first sentence, I agree with Cave Troll's method of splitting it up and using either a period or semicolon. For the second sentence, I don't know the rule off the top of my head, but I think you also need an ellipsis on the other side: You could rephrase it somehow to avoid this issue. You could also use a parenthetical aside, though I know some people don't like this in dialog:
I think this is how the sentence ought to read. The speaker isn't asking a question. “Elodie, this means my father was . . . is, most likely nobility.”
The above would be my fix too. It's very elegant. It's still kind of a question, though a bit softer. I believe by this . . . I know it's not one of the four example words, but that was a such as example, I think "is" counts when used this way. There are lots of other approaches. This is how they would have done it in the 19th century. They were pretty fond of this structure. Elodie, this means my father was . . . is? most likely nobility. Basically what you already had! heh. And the italics could still go there too if you wanted. CM16 still shows this construction as being legal. It's okay to have lowercase after a question mark in certain sentences. Their example is (from 6.69 again): Is it worth the risk? he wondered.
I sort of viewed it as the speaker having a little revelation as she was speaking. Either that or she was in a wistful mood. Also, I think the device works best with younger characters. It's hard to imagine a hard-bitten or worldly character talking in such a whimsical manner. I did something similar some months back. The more you can do with dialogue the better . . . I always say. “I knew a courtesan, a close friend of the queen,” Rosemarie said, trying to keep the pride from her voice. “Know a courtesan, that is. Mademoiselle Valerie.”
Thanks everyone. I like @Cave Troll 's second example for the first sentence. I think dividing it into two makes it read easier. And I didn't know that bit with the italics, but I like how it looks. Thanks @Iain Sparrow and @Seven Crowns. @thirdwind I appreciate you weighing in, but I like what Iain is saying about the wistful mood/younger character. I think the italics show her hoping he is alive.
Didn’t want to open a new thread for a question this simple, but how do you punctuate the following speech. It’s not a dialogue in itself, it’s a part of a description, but right afterwards, I begin with an actual dialogue. Downstairs, Megan was eating her breakfast, a bowl of chocolate cereal as sweet as her Good morning! I just put Good Morning! in italics, but don’t know if it’s right.
Downstairs, Megan was eating her breakfast. "Good morning!" That's how it's punctuated but sentence itself is very clumsy with regard to POV (Camera).
I like this better: Megan was downstairs eating her breakfast. "Good morning," she said in a voice as sweet as her chocalate cereal.
Megan was downstairs eating her breakfast. "Good morning," she said in a voice as sweet as her chocolate cereal.
It's all terrible. Sorry. It's one of the worst segues I've ever read. I could explain why but the regulars would report me - I'm already on a warning.
If you can't see the problem - I can't help you. I've corrected the punctuation what else do want without me charging a fee?
If i'm honest the who comparison to the chocolate cereal sounds forced .. 'Megan looked up from her breakfast, "Morning" ' Its probably also not necessary to say downstairs since that is where people usually eat breakfast
