Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I might have very sensitive hearing; I used to freak my girlfriend out when she whispered with her Mom or others and I would join in the conversation when I heard my name mentioned. My synesthesia isn't as potent as it was when I was little, and I'm partly happy about that because of how overwhelming it used to be. It is still strong enough, however, to affect my choices;; for example, there are certain words I intentionally avoid saying because of the bitter or acrid flavors that accompany them. I also still don't like bright, colorful, noisy places as they tend to bring on mild panic.

One of my oddest quirks is that I simply cannot tolerate hearing pencil lead scrape across paper; I even once had to request a pen when someone gave me a pencil to fill out an application. I don't know if my synesthesia causes it or what, but it's a horrific shock to my system to hear it; I just cannot describe how awful it is.

I have a friend who displays Asperger like symptoms; as far as I know he's never been diagnosed with it; but I feel a special kinship with him because of the atypical things I experience.

 

Just want to say how much I really like this post. Especially the last three bits. Might need to save that somewhere to remember that, because it`s a very good thing to remember.



I`ll always love Bo`s comedy for comedic sake but I also relate to a lot of his stuff on a more subtle level. Not that this piece is actually very comedic. Like Bo I really wanna try to get happy, and wish I didin`t always panic just because i`m not. To flesh that out for my case, it`s not just being happy, I know that`s more a byproduct than a good target to shoot at. I really wanna try, to work on myself, work towards feeling better about myself, actually work towards my goals and building things in my life rather than letting them fall to the wayside as I retreat into my own mind. I`ve been trying to do this and wanting to for a while now with mixed success, a lot of opportunity`s have flopped due to my own failings and my problems with anxiety and depression. Which is still ultamently on me and my fault. However I need to try and not fixate on that and let it keep me from trying to look at the problem and overcome it. I need to remind myself it`s a long road, not gonna be where I want to be in an instant. Can`t panic just because i`m unhappy if you will.

Last night was my...epiphany moment..well ok not as much I just like saying that. I`ve been working and thinking about all of this and especially recently looking at things thinking of future plans. Last night was just.. there was a blizzard...my plans had been cancelled...I had nothing to do...the snow was beautiful swirling outside my window..and I just started looking at things and thinking. For weeks I`ve been saying I was gonna do this or start that and then beating myself up when I don`t to the point where I don`t. That`s...very circular....need to just start working towards it now and if I slip up try again don`t let it stop you. Felt an interesting sense of ease on me last night and even today.

Gonna try to be who I wanna be. Working towards being more fit, to reap the benefits of that, being kinder but also more disciplined with myself, and once Tuesday comes about (Monday is a holiday) I`ll take the list of mental health providers from my insurance and start making arrangements with whoever they pay for. I really should have never left therapy I was seeing good results from it...even if I wasn`t always fully honest should do better on that this time....but I`m very particular with people and therapists can be very hit and miss. This was the first ever "good" (quotes because that`s highly ☼subjective) one for me and she was leaving for a another job. Couple that with outside forces close to me...who actually got me started in therapy because when we got here we were both trying to overcome and rebuild....had decided there was no use to therapy and it was all a effort to dumb us down and keep us under. That coming along with things like my autism diagnose being results of ether vaccines and tuna fish or me not trying and hard enough and my father spinning in his grave, every failure or symptom of mine being a slight on them, everyone being against them, tangents, and more it was a lot to deal with and I didn`t want to add one more thing to deal with so I stopped, and got worse.

I`ve come to a point, where this person doesn`t want to deal with or admit there issues and as much as I want to take care of them as much as I always have, and as much as I try. If they won`t do that, there`s not much I can do. Leading a camel to water and all that. Maybe it`s time for me to force myself to drink. Just because they won`t do it for themselves doesn`t mean i shouldn`t do it for myself. Still gonna be there for them but I realize I need to be there for myself...they won`t be... they can`t be. Need to do what I need to do for my mental health.

Need to rebuild and over come like we promised each other we would, even if they`ve betrayed that promise. Maybe I shouldn`t feel like it`s a betrayal but..


...that was quite the ramble.

 

I focus often to "core essence vs. shallow identities" -point. I think it is important in life, in writing, in developing, in society....

Some folks and ideologies find this annoying. And that leads to Straw Man Attacks. Sometimes they are funny, often not.

It is rare to get thanks because of this attitude. So... Very big thanks about your thanks.

I am not sure what includes inside "NOT giving medical advice..." and what not. Is it only about medicine and drugs or is it about wider area of health care? So... I try to both say something I think is useful and not to break that order...

You can think you emotional life as an ocean. There are deep and strong currents under the surface...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulf_Stream

There are all kinds of weather in the surface. Sunshine, rain, storms, calm...

I think that it is normal and healthy situation have totally different kind of emotions at the same time if they are in different levels. You can have one kind of deep feelings/emotions and surface emotions/feelings.

Deep things are strong, long lasting, powerfull and they effect in large scale.

Surface things are short lasting, they are more connected to situations and happenings.

If this deep level is OK, then you can manage even very difficult things in surface.

Now... You can think that deep level to be strongly connected to your self, essence, core. and that surface to be strongly connected to your identities and social situations.

That is an analogy and maybe not very good, but best I can produce just now.

If big, deep currents are ok, you can handle the rain, fog and bad weather in the surface. You might even like or love it.

All the best things are deep inside. It's the real thing. There is a lot of good things and good life to be found.

Be who you are.

There is the real you inside you. Let that real you grow, live a good life with all the struggles life use to have. There is a seed that wants to grow to it's full potential

If you wanna be you, you have good possibilities to have a very good life.

If you have on oak seed in your soul and you wanna be a spruce, there is trouble coming.

But if you have on oak seed and you want to grow to your full potential, it is possible.

If you have an oak seed and you have been cut, starved and restricted so that you are a little bonsai, you still have that oak seed and soul. You still have a potential to grow to be mighty oak. It might be a bit smaller than without bonsai history, but still oak and still mighty capacity.

If you have been "boinsaid", then the beginning of your growth is not fast. It's slow. But if you protect yourself from those who try to mold and shape you to serve they needs and expectations... Then and only then you can grow.

Your core, your seed, your deep essence is you. Identities... They are your cloths. You cultivate the seed, not the cloths.

Protect that inner essence. It is valuable. It is real you.

Many mental problems are just like loosing that inner core, loosing touch to it or loosing the power and will to let it grow.

Go find it. Find the true inner core you have and let it seek it's full potential!

(Says a diagnosed autistic person with wife and kids and a good life and so big difficulties in history and even now that it is impossible to tell about them here.)

It's not easy but it is worth it!

 

Feeling kinda low of late. Not sleeping that well because of my mind, as well as the pain from my infection (though I am on antibiotics for it). Days seem to be dragging on and being dull and repetitive. Hopefully this week things will improve, as all my groups are back. I have assigned Friday as My-day, where I dedicate it to spending time with myself for myself. I did well the first week, didn't do much this one just gone, and I think that has had an effect on me. Just gets to a point where you feel too tired, low and alone to go out and make the effort for much. Though I did take myself out yesterday for lunch, so I didn't go too stir crazy. Being indoors with nothing to do for days doesn't work well for me, I am discovering lately.

 

This is my brain right now:
---------------------
Me: "Damn, I have a crick in my neck."
Anxiety: "Waaa! It's neck cancer! Or-or...wait, CERVICAL DYSTONIAAAAA!!"
Me: "No, it's just a crick. An ache. Not everything is terminal disease or a debilitating condition."
Anxiety: "CANCER OR DYSTONIA! CANCER OR DYSTONIA! CANCER OR DYSTONIA!"
Me: "If you'll just--"
Anxiety: "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

 

Learning the importance of self care. Yesterday was pretty bad as far as anxiety and things go. Just felt very overwhelmed and on edge, for no necessarily specific reason. Other than generally feeling of being overwhelmed building up I suppose. Think I have a stress rash..should get that checked....but today was a mental health day of sorts. Mostly rested for the first half of it started cleaning around 4 or so actually got a lot done. Made some comfort food, and settled in to work on some other things at my desk. All in all a very good and well needed day. Good reminder I don`t need to be freaking out about being productive every second in order to be productive.

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/read-this-and-stop-feeling-overwhelmed-for-good.html

That also helped. Gambler`s theory.

 

I think I'm becoming depressed. It's been a rough time and I feel like it's never going to get better.

 

Maybe a physiological approach is something you could try? Just a suggestion; not trying to belittle anything serious you may be going through. I hope you feel better and that things turn around.

I've been trying to focus and build momentum on the things in my life that I feel like I can control, like my physical health, and the way that that improves my mental health. Making some small improvements to my diet, cutting down the alcohol and nicotine, restricting video games to Fridays and Saturdays, exercising a couple days a week (I play indoor soccer), getting good sleep, have all gone a long way.

 

That's a great way to stay healthy, both mentally and physically. Exercise keeps you active and relaxed so it's best to do that as often as possible.

Right now I'm in a gruelling battle with cancer. The treatment is making me feel so tired and ill, and some days I can hardly move. Right now my family and my writing is all that is keeping me sane and positive.

I think that's my problem, the fact that I have no control over whatsw wrong with me. It's like my life is balancing on the side of a mountain.

 

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

My childhood friend was diagnosed with leukemia the first year of high-school. I wish I'd been more supportive but I was too wrapped up in myself and we sort of had a falling out around that time. He also was really adamant about not wanting sympathy, because that's just how he is.

Anyway, I do remember him saying the same thing about the treatments. He missed months of school. He told me one thing that helped him was merely understanding the way that the treatment was impacting his mood and energy. Just knowing that made a huge difference to him psychologically, because he could at least make sense of things, and knew what was causing what and why.

It's little to no solace but the one thing you can control is how you react to it. That was the greatest lesson he said he learned from going through all that.

I'm glad your family is supportive. Keep writing. I send you my best wishes and I'll pray for you.

 

My wife is on her 3rd recurrence of ovarian cancer.
what ive discovered about cancer is there is no 1 story the same.
And the number of people with cancer is much more than you think. And people are just learning to live with it and life goes on. Luckily she had a low grade diagnosis.

 

hey victoria sorry to hear you suffering. Hope you can get some solace on here.

 

You said it yourself: it's a grueling fight. Tell your cancer doctor or whoever is the lead doc on your team o' docs. Having any major illness messes with your flight or fight system, and your mental health is part of your overall health. They can evaluate and sometimes make adjustments or give you supplements or a mild anti-depressant to help get you through. Let your team help you. They've got you.

 

I don't know does it mean anything to you or not, but... I pray for you - and people close to you.

Someone very close to me fought 6-7 years with lymphoma + myelodysplastic syndrome. It was like a roller coster.

She was old - about 80. She won 2-3 very hard battles. She won them with her enormous willpower. That gave her maybe 3-4 extra years.

Cancers won only the last one.

Take care about your willpower, motivation, your mental wellbeing, the relationships to persons you love and respect. Your mind and value structures are very big part of your health in coming days.

If you can make your time meaningful you might get more time. That is how mind works.

 

Sending prayer and lots of love your way; stay strong, dear; I have faith you'll beat it.

 

Just because some people dont like you doesnt mean others dont like you even more so.

sorry wrong thread

 

This songs great, what i`m trying to do. Hopefully it`ll push me on. Good advice to, obviously hyperbolic but yeah better to just do it and you`ll work the kinks out eventually rather then getting caught up in the details and tripping over them.

Last night was, a change in my routine and a new thing and learning experience so was a very anxiety inducing night. Rested today which is good but should`ve kept my routines up. Hopefully I can do better on that tomorrow, and that`s my work out day.

 

Hey Im not mentally ill. So stop labelling me. OK? Yeah I suffer a little anxiety and depression now and then but who doesn't?
My hypersensitivity just makes me more intelligent. And what an artist! I avoid clichés even though I probably am the best thing since sliced bread. A real gift from God to you all.

 

I realise now that my mental health is directly connected to my physical health. Today I feel better than ive felt for months. My head is clear, my back has stopped aching, my achilles has stopped throbbing, my fingers aren't as stiff.
In my twenties my physical health was way above average and probably my mental health too. Just I was blind to so many things.
This year needs to be a focus on better physical health anyway.

 

There is something... I'll call that something X. I will not tell if if X is a person, a group, a place or subculture or something else. Just X. And.. Please, don't try to guess anything about X. Anything. Please.

My childhood was not happy. X had very, very big part in that.

I was intelligent kid. But every time I showed any intelligence I got very cruel social and psychological attack from X. So I learned that very, very deep level underperforming was the safest way to be. And boy... I really did underperform. (Being autistic person and not knowing it helped a lot.)

In my childhood and adolescent years my biggest hope was to die without committing suicide. I did not accept suicide and I still don't. And that determined my lifestyle in my late teens and early adulthood. I tried to die without committing suicide. It did not work - thank God. (Literally.)

There were very many reasons for that hopeless and lack of willpower. X was one of them. Not only, but a big reason.

So... There are some problems. And here we see what was the impact of those problems to me.

X could have stopped X:s part of that development in a day - by just not doing some things. Stopping those things would have been in X:s own interests in every possible way - except some very unhealthy psycho-pathological ways. And... No way X would ever stop those most important things that harms me. No way.

So I minimised being in any contact with X. I could not stop it totally because of... reasons. But soon I will.

When I can avoid direct contact to X I can read about 40 to 120 pages an hour. I can easily write 5 to more pages a day. 2-7 of them can be creative writing of work in progress. I can think... quite multidimensional.

29.10.2018 (This is the way to say 29. of October in 2018) I had to contact X. And after that I have not been able to avoid contact.

I started working with project SH (a comedy) in August 16. (?) So I worked with it a bit more than 2 months before I had to be in contact with X.

In that time I wrote 166 pages of SH + 119 pages of supporting material = 285 pages in about 64 days. It makes almost 4 and half pages a day. And I have been studying things related to professional writing at the same time. A lot.

After 29.10.2018 I have been able to write almost 4 pages of SH and zero pages of supporting material off SH. That makes a bit more than a page a month.

That is exactly the level of underperforming that being in the emotional and communicational reach of X has always been in my life. So... If I speak about underperforming I speak about this level of underperforming. And X knows this perfectly well. But the fact that I must pay this level of price so that X can have something totally meaningless and vain... Nothing.

Analogy: It is as if X could get 5 cents by totally destroying my life and home - and would say that it is out of question even to talk about the possibility that X has no right to smash my life - again and again and again and... That if X thinks that it is fun to get that 50 cents that X does not need - then... not possible even to talk about restricting things that destroy my ability to work and have a good and productive life. It is as if destroying my ability to be productive and use my skills was something unbearable.

I have been doing things. I have written about 115 pages of half structured frustrations outburst. I have self studied.

(When I made some studies in university I could pass exams of 9-10 books that mach 9 weeks of studying in one day. I could
- read A.J.Greimas: Structural Semantics - and underlined it while reading
- learn to use his actant model as an analysis tool
- go through some symbolic material about society and social interactions
- do and write an analysis with Greimas's actant model.
in 5 hours 30 minutes.

I tried how fast that can be done because I hated the whining of some female students. "In three weeks? That's too soon? I don't have enough time...)

Now... In this stress... I can read 12-25 pages of text in an hour.

But... I will not give up. I will rise back to my normal level of writing and thinking. And I will bloody well get the social, emotional and communicative distance I need to have to X so that I can become the best performing me I can be while living a good and full life.

https://www.writingforums.org/threads/aspies-pipeline.158819/

My deadline to SH is still may 2019. And I'm gonna do it.


Sorry about writing this short text. I try to write more detailed saga next time.

 

So in my infinite wisdom, I decided to check on the news last night and now I feel like the world can just go ahead and blow itself the fuck up.

But really...I'm pissed more at myself than the idiot man-apes we call humans. I know what happens when I look at the news, and I did it anyway.

 

This is a mini-version of a "manic episode", presented below (in spoiler) as an example of what it manifests as:

The point here is that the episode did not begin here, it began about an hour or so before this random threshold event. A meds and food crash earlier in the day, then some really intense shows about DNA manipulation and human social issues, then an ensuing argument I was dragged into. In this case, I can clearly identify each transition in the cycle, whereas I usually haven't the fuckingest idea.
Inception, trigger, threshold, episode. These are an aproximation of the process.
Inception was obviously the crash, but it alone does not create an episode. Trigger was obviously the shows. This is where the manic begins making connections to events out of context (memories etc.), but a full episode may not manifest at this point. More stress will obviously increase probability and severity. Threshold is the enigmatic slippery slope that the manic doesn't perceive - The one word or sight that, in that moment, solidifies all those misconnections into a reality that manifests an episode. At that point reality, even consciousness, is out of perception. The manic mind is living the miscreated reality and acting in it, until it subsides or is intervened.
Que meds. Meds are not a cure. In my case, they are intervention, retro-rockets or brakes or parachute, that flattens the brainwave activity, breaking the loop, ending the nightmare. No meds are pre-emptive, but they do work as advertised. Anxiety meds dampen the fear/flight loop, to allow stress events to end when they actually end, and not loop, so the autonomic can be detached and events processed into non-emotional rational memory.
Just thought I would share the process in this mild case. I was able to break out of the loop and report myself in the subsequent posts.
The moral of the story is BP meds do work, the nightmare can end. We just have to accept that it will happen.
My very soul goes out to those who suffer.
For the curious, I'm happy to answer any question I can.

ETA: WTF is my head at! LOL. Shen!! !!Yay!! Shen!! for hanging out on Discord til sunrise, talking me down. Ten... no, even just two more like you would make the whole world a better place Thanks!