The Not Happy Thread

Unfortunately I have nothing else than my tears and prays to share with you.

I don't have words.

 

Yeah. I'm sorry. All the best that I can send you right now, which doesn't feel like a lot, but hopefully it helps.

 

I feel really bad posting this now with the ectopic pregnancy going on. I'm really sorry for the situation, and I wish it could have gone another way too. But I feel like I have to tell someone this, and there's no way I'm telling someone who knows my real name. I'm still not 100% sure about posting this here, but I kind of want to talk about it. This may get pretty personal, I'm sorry if it gets too personal, but IDK what the rules are in this sort of situation. You know what, I'm going to hide it in a Spoiler.

Spoiler

So I have always considered myself aro/ace, and I'm very proud of that and it's a huge part of my identity. But since September I've been having weird feelings towards one of my dance teachers. I don't know if it's a crush or not. She's really pretty and I really like the way she dresses and does her make-up, and she's quite small. She's a professionally-trained dancer, so of course she's an absolute delight to watch. And I don't know why this makes me like her more, but she's foreign (I Facebook stalked her - she had already sent me a friend request! - and found out she's Greek) and has a long, foreign surname and a foreign accent. (I've always liked listening to foreign accents, maybe because I like languages, but I've never felt anything towards the person themselves before.) It's quite normal for an aro/ace person to experience aesthetic attraction (appreciating a person's looks, but not necessarily wanting to be involved with them in any way) and I've found lots of people whose faces I enjoy looking at (usually random people on the street) but no-one's ever come with this much baggage before. I've wondered if this is because the other two people who come to mind are a singer and a cartoon character, so not people I interact with on a personal basis.

I've always enjoyed having people pay attention to me, but I've found myself wanting her specifically to pay me attention. I can't think of any specific incidents, just a constant feeling of "Notice me!" She's recently decided to try tap (she's balletically trained) and she's having trouble with one particular step. I kind of wish she'd ask me for help, because I know how to do it, but of course she can just ask one of her friends among the other coaches. I've wondered, though, if it's just because I want Miss Professionally-Trained to say I'm a good dancer. I've wanted all the coaches to say I'm a good dancer, because of feelings that arise from dancing almost all my life and still getting lumped in with people who've never danced before and nothing to do with her. (I kind of wish I'd have some kind of chance to show what I learned at my dance school, that'll make all my teachers say "Oh, you're really good, we'll put you in the advanced class next time!", but that's just a ridiculous fantasy.) She's one of those affectionate-type people, and she calls people "lovely" and "doll". I'll message her about something dance-related and get back "OK lovely xxx". It makes me feel really happy and kind of warm inside when I get one of those messages and I sometimes go out of my way to message her specifically. Each class has two teachers, and if she's a teacher I'll message her with inquiries and not the other one. Sometimes I'll invent follow-up questions to prolong the conversation, which is wasting her time, I know, and I should stop it.

So this all kind of came to a head over a skirt we had to have for a costume. We're doing a competition and there are four main categories and an "open" category, which is a style of dance no-one's likely to have tried before (this year it's flamenco, so think big frilly swishy skirt). There are Facebook groups for all the main dances and I didn't realise there was one for the open as well. This meant that I didn't see the details of costumes that were posted so I didn't order my skirt in time. The two coaches, of which she was one, set up a group chat with the three of us when I realised my error, and because the skirt we were meant to have wouldn't arrive in time, she (she handled everything, to my embarrassing delight) went and found a similar one, which wasn't available in my size. I loved to think that she was thinking about me (well, technically about my problem, but same difference) for as long as it took her to find the alternative skirt. She remembered my size from a previous costume order (!) (or maybe she's just noticed I'm only just bigger than her so likely the same size) and said she would alter it to fit me. And I am absolutely ashamed to say that I was looking forward to that SO MUCH. She would be standing very close to me, and I would have her undivided attention (and possibly the other coach's too, as a special attention-bonus) for as long as it took to alter the skirt. But when the skirt arrived, and we were about to arrange a time to take it along (she lives in the same halls as me, which is nice because I like having things in common with her - I saw her in the laundry once near the beginning of term with her friend and she made a joke about our dance lessons, which made me happy that she remembered me, and she waves to me whenever she sees me (she didn't once, even though I tried to catch her eye, and that made me sad)), she decided to give my skirt to the soloist because it was different, and since the normal skirt was one-size-fits-all, there would be no need for alterations. My disappointment at this was CRUSHING. And I've been thinking about it ever since. And I sincerely hope the skirt I ordered fits her like a glove and requires no alteration at all, because the thought of her stealing my attention makes me so mad. There was a similar occasion months ago, when during a weekly stretch session she went around holding everybody by the waist and helping them get as far as they could into the sideways splits (which for me isn't very far at all). As she was doing this, another girl helped me out, with exactly the level of success I expected, so when she came to me, I really wanted her to put her hands on my waist, and it would be worth the pain of the stretch. But then the other girl told me she'd already done that, so she said "OK, then" and moved on to the next girl. "Next week." she promised. It didn't happen. Again, crushing disappointment. That was kind of when I began to wonder if something was up. Probably weirdest of all, I had a dream a few weeks ago where she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, but it was only meant to be friendly. Still, that kind of creeps me out.

So now I'm a confused mess. I don't know if I have a crush on her or not, and as you can probably tell, the thought that I might makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed. But on the other hand, it might all just be about my weird need for attention (if you drank a shot every time I said "attention" in this post, you would probably be having your stomach pumped by now). Another theory I had was that I admire her dancing and when I began to wonder if I had a crush, my brain invented one ("if I had a crush on her, I would think this"). But I'm concerned by the possibility and the implications it has about my sexuality. I've increasingly began to wonder if I might be a lesbian, or a homoromantic asexual (because I already seem to have a "type", because she ticks all the boxes), and I've thought about being with some random, faceless girl to test the possibility. Not sure how I feel about kissing, but anything sexual is definitely a no-go area. I really don't think I'm straight, and it kind of makes it more embarrassing that this sexuality-defying possible-crush is a girl. Although an LGBTQIA friend, who has a pretty reliable "gaydar" says they think I'm aro/ace. I just kind of needed to get this all out. I might regret the fact that I put it up and end up pulling it down. I don't know if it is a crush or not. If I was asking a question, I suppose I kind of want to know if you guys think I do or not. I'm too embarrassed to ask my mum, although I know she won't judge me. She's in her third year, so part of me hopes this will clear up when she leaves, but part of me almost desperately hopes that hers is a four-year course, or that she'll stay and do a Masters.

 

Admittedly I do not know much about aro/ace stuff, but it sounds like a crush to me. You don't just want attention from anyone. You want it from her. You want her to touch you, and it makes you happy when she notices you or pays special attention to you. Try not to be concerned about the sexuality implications. Your sexuality doesn't define you as a human being, and it might not be a static thing for you anyway. A crush isn't always sexual. There have been plenty of people I have crushed on that I didn't even consider sleeping with at the time. Just because you may have a crush on a woman does not mean you are a lesbian. I've had a crush on a woman before, and I'm not even remotely bisexual. I got all flustered and wanted her to pay attention to me. I didn't want to date her. I didn't want to sleep with her. But I was definitely having a crush reaction.

 

Perhaps you're jumping the gun here, taking your mind where you're afraid to go without thinking about a destination you'd be comfortable, perhaps even ecstatic, to arrive at.

@EstherMayRose, there are relationships that are as deep and meaningful as any other, that have no sexual component.
Friendships that are closer than many lovers ever achieve. Like bonds between siblings, sometimes.

My wife's best friend is a woman she considers a third sister, and she's very tight with her two blood sisters, so that's saying something. That sisterly relationship happened very quickly after the two of them met: maybe not "love at first sight," but damn close.
There's not a speck of sexual attraction involved on either side: their souls just fit together really well.

So let me prompt you with a couple of questions: ones I don't expect you to answer, except maybe to yourself:

• Could your coach be like a sister to you, or are there circumstances preventing that?
• And if you are afraid she can't be like a sister, for some reason, is your mind perhaps amplifying that fear into something you fear even more, like a threat to your own self-image?

And jumping off on a tangent from that: you're young. Don't get too invested in you own preconceptions of who you are. You're going to learn a lot about yourself at college, and you're going to change too. I'm not saying you're going to flip sexual preferences, but be open to recognizing the new things you can learn about yourself, and the new you that college is helping you achieve.

 

As someone that has had one hell of a time with their own Sexuality and Identity: try not to worry about it. At various times of my life I've been straight, gay, bi, pan, male, trans, bi, trans, pan, and now currently in a holding flux on no real fucking clue, but it doesn't really matter because whatever labels might be attached to us, they don't define us as a person. Just take a deep breath, let things happen, and if they happen they happen and if they don't they don't. A nose by any other name, would still smell just as sweet.

 

@EstherMayRose take it easy on yourself, and you will
figure it out when you're ready.

Whatever happens, keep flying Ace.

 

There's certainly nothing sexual about it, but it's not platonic either. I don't really intend to say anything to her. In fact, her finding out would be my worst nightmare. For a long time, I was scared to say/post anything about it because I felt it would "confirm" it, or perhaps something that wasn't real would become real because of it. I just felt like it was bubbling over.

I'm going to see her in an hour. I'm quietly dreading it.

 

I hope you can at least let her know how much you enjoy and appreciate her coaching you.

 

^^ This. Let whatever labels you choose help explain you, not rigidly define you.

 

Twelve hours until I'm alone again - and I won't know when we can see each other again until I get a job.

I really need to get the job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday.

 

Being alone is rubbish.

My partner and I have been temporarily assigned to a separate station from the rest of our extremely close-knit team. Normally I can't wait to go to work, but now I know all my friends aren't going to be there I'm extremely upset. Honestly, sometimes I have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. My partner is nearly young enough to be my daughter and she's handling it better than I am.

@EstherMayRose: on the subject of relationships, my partner and I are ridiculously close, to the extent that there are rumours that we're a couple. We aren't: she's very much in love with her long-term boyfriend and I'm happily married with two kids. It's entirely possible to love people without it being sexual.

 

Keep getting headaches, which I think is due to my blood sugar. Which reminds me that I'm pissed off waiting for a referral to a specialist.

 

Viking Sky cruiser is in distress near Trondheim.

1500 passengers on board.

Police tells ship will be evacuated.

Motors are not working and ship is one kilometer from shore. Weather is really bad.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MV_Viking_Sky

It has been built in Italy by Fincantieri which might explain something. (They are not known of good and reliable workmanship.)

https://www.smp.no/nyheter/2019/03/23/Cruiseskipet-Viking-Sky-blir-evakuert-ved-Hustadvika-18722632.ece''''

https://news.sky.com/story/cruise-ships-1-300-passengers-to-be-evacuated-after-engine-failure-11673395

 

What's the delay? How much work can writing a referral be?

I'd suggest not just waiting. The squeaking wheel gets the grease.
Keep calling for the referral. Mention that the headaches are becoming a big issue.
They'll get you the referral just to stop you from bothering them.

Be polite. Use your skills as a writer to evoke sympathy. Revise your approach every call, until you find what works.
It's your health we're talking about: pull out all the stops.

Good luck.

 

Possibly the opposite. Not that a doctor would willfully mistreat a patient, but if they feel someone's likely to be a PITA, they may schedule them so there's not to many of them in the office on the same day.

 

I have been referred on the system, but I haven't heard anything from the specialist. My GP said at the time I could be waiting a long time. I've had my hormones checked from a blood test, which claimed everything was normal, when I know they are not.

 

I'd be seriously considering finding a new doctor. It's been my experience that really good doctors are not in the majority.
There's not much that's more deserving of a concerted effort than your own health.

 

Finding a GP that would accept medical cards was hard enough, and the doctors there have treated me well with everything else. I'm just sat on a waiting list to see a specialist because that's the system here. I can't afford to go private, although I have thought about. I wouldn't know who I need to see anyway.
I hate relying on state healthcare, but I don't have a host of other options.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you're in The States, where the health system is almost entirely in the private sector. Not trying to sound like a dick, but Ireland's healthcare system is kinda different.

 

You have my sympathies. Been there (with an HMO, not state-run care), back when I was young and struggling.
If it starts getting worse, perhaps you should head to the ER. Maybe that will get you bumped up on the list, but as Dapper says, I don't know your healthcare system.

 

No worries, you don't sound like a dick.

Yeah, I'm in the US, paying an obscene amount of money for an individual (not group) policy with a US$5K deductible per person. I'm fortunate enough to afford it, and we get the medical care we need.