The Not Happy Thread

It sounds like you're burning out. Do consider reducing what you've got on your plate and I hope you managed to get some helpful advice from the success coach. Big hugs to you.

 

Thank you, I think you're right. Now it's about managing what I've taken on. I'm right at max capacity so there's not a lot of flexibility, but I think it's do-able.

My success coach gave me a couple good suggestions. I told her next semester I want to take one less class; I just need to make sure I'll still be above the required credit hours for my loans.

@NoGoodNobu I'm really self-conscious about my left eye. I'm blind in it, and even though I've had a couple corrective surgeries on it, it's still not perfectly aligned. I've relearned some minor muscle control, so I can consciously move it for pictures. And luckily it's basically perfectly straight when I'm only a few feet away from someone.

I'm telling you this because I feel like I can relate to a small degree. But I can't imagine feeling that way about your whole body. I think I understand, in a different way of course, how these things can make one very self conscious and unhealthily self critical. For me, my confidence and eye-contact skills are a total wreck. I often wonder if my more avoidant personality came first, or if it's the result of being blind in one eye since I was an infant.

Please continue to take care of yourself and focus on the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with people who don't make you feel awful about being you. I hope you enjoy your time at the wedding and feel better soon.

*whoops, I meant "your friend's event"

 

@NoGoodNobu can't pretend to know everything about everything but I've bounced between weights - went from 7 stone to 14 when I was in an abusive relationship and bounced straight back down when I got out of it, for about a year I tried to gain weight and be where I should be and now I'm overweight. It's always numbers, it's always worrying and fretting and like you said, even positive things like trousers getting bigger can twist you up inside. Like I say, I can't claim to be on the same kind of page as you and I'm not exactly an authority on it but I know a little something about something and I know it's rough. All my thoughts are with you and all I can say, as unhelpful as it is, is: be happy with yourself, and you'll be happy with yourself.

 

Went to see Rambo: Last Blood last night with my sister. That was a disaster waiting to happen. First of all, while we don't live in a big city, there is only one cinema, and it's usually quite full. Or used to be, when I used to go there. Last night was the premiere of the latest Rambo-movie, and there were less than ten people in the audience. Second, I had some bad luck going on about six month ago, and now I'm in a wheelchair when I go out. Trust me, going to the movies in a wheelchair? You might want to reconsider. Not only was it difficult enough to get in (we had to use the emergency exit, as the main entrance has a long staircase, and isn't suitable for wheelchairs at all), but it's also hard to find a place to sit. I can walk, barely, so I did manage to get to my seat.

Until I needed the bathroom around halfway through the movie, anyway. On one hand, I knew there was around an hour left of the movie, so I didn't want to try and wait. On the other hand, I didn't want to bother my sister either. So what to do? I had to get past her to get to the wheelchair, but she would have to get it for me anyway, and push me to the bathrooms. She insisted on waiting for me to finish so she could take me back, but I told her to go enjoy the movie without me. Using a bathroom when you can barely stand up? That's going to take some time. Didn't help that the bathroom wasn't very accessible for people like me, either. No handles on the actual toilet, so I gave up that little project.

I did get to enter the movie area afterwards though, but had to sit in the wheelchair behind the back row. That.. wasn't comfortable, to say the least. When we finally made it home, I went straight to bed, totally exhausted. I'm still hurting today. Don't worry, it'll pass soon enough. Just annoying. But hey, at least the movie was pretty good.

 

So I saw her at the Bridal Tea.

I knew she’d been invited but I sorta figured she wouldn’t come. She’s been more negligent with that group of friends then even I’ve been, and she hadn’t been talking with me so I thought it’d be too awkward for her.

When I’d arrived, the bride—our friend’s fiancé—asked me where she was and I said I didn’t know. Then the bride said she had never seen either of us without the other and hinted at having heard of a falling out. I didn’t bite.

She arrived late, walking in with another mutual friend of ours. I suspect she had been hiding out in her car, waiting till she spotted someone she knew to come in with. That used to be me. She hadn’t text to ask if I’d arrived.

I talked with her, with the others, us forming a smaller group of female friends of the groom within the party of the bride’s friends & family. I chatted and made jokes and flirted, but a little subdued and aimed at the group in general—I was specifically flirting with our mutual friend’s sister. It was all fun, silly, playful, typical me and my usual banter. We still get on—she is still all my best memories.

We left all together but split towards our cars—she parked near me. I’m not sure if intentional or coincidental. We chatted as we walked but split off fairly quickly—before we would have sat for hours in one of our cars or gone to do something else just the two of us straight after.

I had something for our mutual friend—an extra rice cooker, because the mutual friend had just moved and didn’t have—so I was driving round to drop it at the mutual friend’s car.

Before I’d gone few steps to hand over the rice cooker, she came driving down and parked in the road and got out, saying she forgot to hug everyone. So everyone hugged.

Then we got in our cars to drive home.

Four minutes in, she was calling me on my mobile. I used to call her when we got into our cars, so we could continue talking as we both drove home (as neither of us lives near the other and we both don’t live near all the rest, like a neat triangle). I obviously hadn’t and wasn’t planning to call her. I thought I had passed as amicable and friendly and attentive at the party. It was weirder now. We both knew I didn’t call. I used to carry the conversations with jokes and stories, but I didn’t have anything much to say and so other than the odd comment about the wedding, it would go quiet quite often. Still, she never hung up.

When we finally both reached home, I told her goodbye.

She told me she loved me. I said jovially that it had been nice seeing her and hung up.

I didn’t say it back.

For the first time, I didn’t say I love you back.

And we both felt that. And I still feel the weight of that omission, of that confession.

It’s not painful, but I figure what I’m feeling is still nestled somewhere within the boundaries of “not happy”

 

Maybe call or text them back?
Or would that be too awkward?
Though it sounds complicated
and you need some time to sort
through your feelings.
Hope you find the best solution.

 

I got in to work today and there is a crew ripping up my parking lot. We were given zero notice about this, no warning, no heads up what-so-ever. Our first clue was some white haired old guy walking around last night marking where to cut on the asphalt.

I wonder how much business I can get from the guys working out there, because the parking lot is closed off at both ends and nobody else is going to be coming in today.

 

If she calls, I answer. If she texts, I respond. I’m not avoiding or ignoring her.

But I told her this back in Spring that I wasn’t going to instigate anymore. If she wants to talk, I’m ready. If she wants to hang out, I’d be there in a heartbeat. She just hadn’t been responsive to me and I was tired of trying to get her to pay me attention or show me affection. So I just openly told her I wouldn’t be calling her up, sending thousands of texts, I wouldn’t be constantly seeing if she was down to meet me. Because I’d been getting radio silence for lengths of time & a short late response.

And since I stopped instigating, she called me once, she asked me to hang out once after work, and she has messaged me about 6 different times with some cute pictures that remind her of “us” or funny memes.

And the hangout call only happened immediately after she’d seen on social media I’d been going out with other girls or boys—Disneyland, concerts, movies in the park, etc., and having a gay ole time of it with other people.

That’s how much she’s reached out to me in 4-5 months. And honestly, that was her “making an effort” because it was more than she’d made prior. It’s just she thought a handful of memes were the same as meaningful communication and showing affection.

I’m not her priority. I’ve never really been. And I was tired of her always being my top one and us being so terribly unequal. And I was honest and upfront that that was what was happening and going to happen. I told her calmly and truthfully that I was going to spend less time begging her to pay attention to me, but if she wanted to hit me up I was always game.

But it really wasn’t till the hiding & the lying that I actually stopped caring for her the way I had. The change in my behaviour was just behaviour—she was still everything to me. But after she tried lying over and over and over to my face, thinking she could fool me, I realised I stopped trusting her all together. I kept waiting for her to be trying to pull a fast one over on me again. Not that she could deceive me—but that she had become the kind of person who would try. Or that she had always been that person.

So after a bunch of emotional turmoil, my feeling for her changed.

I like her still—it’s not like she’s any less funny or silly or the million other things that drew us together (outside a shared trauma). I just don’t love her, not in the way I meant it before.

But because she never contacts me, never sees me, it hasn’t really come up that I don’t feel the same about her anymore.

So when she called me and when I didn’t say “I love you,” it’s the like my first confession that we aren’t what we were.

And I don’t really think she believed we still were, although I know she’d hoped we were. But she’s gotten confirmation of it now.

I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy too. And it’s just our happiness isn’t from each other anymore.

 

I got ya, and I bet that is tough on you, but I think you will be ok.
Maybe you will meet a nice guy in the future that will be good for you.

 

Dark, have been my dreams of late.

 

I am so fucking done with fecktard bigots.

 

My aunt posted a racist joke on Facebook today. I am still fuming. She's always been a bit of a "rebel", if you will, and some of the jokes she's shared have been rather off-colour, but this one is just too far. I wanted to comment and tell her it wasn't funny, but I didn't want anyone to tell me off.

 

A boy lost his dog tonight. And he is not happy about it.
Gonna miss you so much little Peep dog.

 

First: I see what you did there (and I did chuckle).

Second:

 

You know what's 100% not a good time?

Looking at two million dollar microscope falling out of its crate upon arrival for receiving at a brand new pharmaceutical company customer. Mind you, this is my very first install, and one of our ins to the pharmaceuticals.

It just had to be me.

 

I'm so sorry. They always have to go too soon. Sending best wishes and a big virtual hug .

 

That is pretty much what you do with a boyfriend, to be fair. If the one you acquire can't feed itself, you got a defective model and should return it.

 

When I watched it, this was my first recommendation:

 

NASA had a 125 million dollar whoopsie when they crashed a Mars orbital survey sattelite. Kinda hard to top that on the scale of Epic Fails.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/national/longterm/space/stories/orbiter100199.htm

 

Put my back out again yesterday. Just reached out to grab a pliers off a work surface. That's it. Could barely hobble to the spine-stretcher. If not for it, I'd be dottering like the crooked man and crying like a little girl, all while trying not to breathe. Gradsedillo for the zero-G chair! Still can't move, but now I can breathe. Small steps, small miracles. Remember to pucker up even for a slight lean.

 

Get yourself an inversion table. Helps if used a couple times a week.