Check out the story of Mary Bell. Daughter of a prostitute who took her into the family business at the age of 4. She killed two little boys at the age of 11. First a four year old and then (with help) a three year old. STRANGER STILL, Bodil Joencson
But she was prostituted as a child? If so, depending on how well she recovered and the specifics of the story, she would most likely job jump. One week she's flipping burgers, the next she's mopping bathroom floors at a mall, all probably to pay for some vice she has. That's the common scenario, but far from the only outcome. The thing is, if she hasn't recovered well then she's going to be a distrustful emotional wreck, causing social damage everywhere she goes. So any job she has, even if it isn't to pay for some addiction, is going to, in her mind, be fraught with drama and danger. This will always leave her at risk of being fired or overwhelmed. If she recovered well or found someone to help her grow up, then it could go either way, depending on her passions and whatever work ethic she's picked up on. I'm interested in what kind of a story you've got cooking. Sounds like you're going for something with a psychological bent? Or is that my projection?
Yes, so counter intuitive! I'm familiar with this behavior. For me it was a mixed bag--I both wanted to be confronted with the issue again in order to deal with it better, and simultaneously that situation was all I had ever known. So, in a way, it was familiar and "soothing." Better than facing the unknown, anyway, as the old reasoning went. Unfortunately, the situations get so familiar that you forget to fight, because you fall into your old coping strategies instead. It's comfortable. That's the trap. That's when you're allowing yourself to be abused. It's a tough mindset but so incredibly important to recognize and then get out of. What is that difference? If I may wonder.
A rather wise man once told me that the way we deal with trauma is as indiviual as the people we are. Some find comofrt in religion, others never find a way to cope. There are very little limits to the human mind and what it can accomplish. An unaprobable outcome is still possible under right circumstances - and even if the best circumstances are present, things can go terribly wrong.
Couldn't agree more. Though every abused adult I've encountered hits at least one of the three descriptions I listed earlier the ultimate fate lies with the individual and their willingness and/or ability to look it in the face, accept the damaged inner child and move on as best as one may.
Well - yes and now. The difference lies in the action itself: if you're silent, it is an act of will. Something you do, you can decide to do. If you're being rendered silence, the outcome my be the same: you don't speak. But the way is another one. You don't have a choice, your voice is taken from you. He was rendered silence by being ignored whenever he tried to come forward and speak. He basically learned that nothing he would say would be heard. So the use of speaking up vanished, it only associated with pain. He was rendered silent to the point he didn't speak about this. He behaved as if nothing ever happened. Due to the long term of the abuse (I'm talking about basically 12yrs) this manifested as a part of his behavioral repertoire. He basically forgot how to express his needs or emotions. He does feel them, he does have empathy. But he never shows. Being with me or his wife helps him keep control of his actions, it helps im render himself silent since this is the onl way he can find enough rest to sleep. He only really feels safe as long as the mask he wears is intact. But it remains as it is: he's rendered silent. I've only ever seen him silent once: his father-in-law sent me a video of the both of them sailing at te baltic sea. Out on the ocean he was truly silent in terms of being silent. I guess his peace is out there, in the solitude of the sea. Where no one can harm him.
Makes sense. Having someone take an ability is vastly different than choosing to not speak or, even better, not needing to speak. Yeah I can see that. You mentioned shrinks. I despise shrinks. Some things one learns to deal with as best as one can and moves on. Forcing someone to re-live the worst moments of his/her life does nothing but bring the damaged child to the forefront again. Like anyone needs that. <sigh> Hang in there.
Well, I see it different when it comes to shrinks - but then I had a good one xD No, actually I do think therapy can get you far but onl if you actually choose to do so on your own terms. My boyfriend got convinced by sbd else who basically told him he should do the therapy because he was a bad person not doing so. (Honestly, no idea how that stuck, but it did...) He wouldn't have done the therapy if he hadn't been influenced. He did relatively fine before, now he's a wreck... so therapy was a wrong turn for him.
I've never met a shrink who actually listened to me. Since I don't fit neatly into any of their operating theories they try to stuff me where they think I belong, then wonder why I object. Glad someone gets some use out of them!
The singer Billie Holiday was prostituted by her mother when she was 13 (some sources say sooner). While it's true she grew up in different times and in different circumstances, you may find things in her story that may ring true for your character.
I've noticed you mentioned that your boyfriend has a wife and multiple partners, just out of curiosity, how does this lack of exclusivity to you make you feel?
I agree with that old [well, wise, haha] man. My understanding, though, is that an improbable circumstance is possible only if the appropriate prerequisites are met. However, we don't exist in that abstract. If the best circumstance for an individual is that the prerequisites for an improbable outcome aren't met, then under the best circumstance that specific outcome becomes impossible (it is no longer probable, specifically for that individual, because they don't meet the requirements). So if the prerequisite for handling trauma well is that we are sound or heading down a sound path, and we are, then we will handle trauma well. There cannot be improbabilities in the outcome. If that prerequisite is not met, no matter how it is not met, the outcome of handling trauma well won't be possible. I certainly didn't meet that prerequisite--nor my parents, nor their parents before them, back many generations. So, while it is true that "improbable" outcomes are possible under the right circumstances, the statement is an abstraction of what happens in an individual life as seen in a group. On an individual level, an "improbable" outcome can only exist as either "definite" or "impossible." The abstraction takes into consideration humanity as a whole, as a percentage of how often we can identify a particular outcome within the whole--and also from an outside observer's perspective. But when we're dealing with individuals and the outcomes of individuals (especially as those individuals), then we're no longer dealing with the whole of humanity (therefore we're no longer dealing with probabilities). Rather, we're dealing with an individual. And the individual can only have a single definite path, each one determined by what prerequisites are or are not being met. That's the mindset that dragged me out of the miserable place I used to inhabit. I summarize it as, "For so long as I exhibit poor judgment, I understand that the prerequisite for poor judgment (ignorance) exists in me." It's a little like mathematics for the emotional soul. And it gave me hope when I first came upon the revelation, because it intrinsically suggests that there is always an answer for what I'm internally enduring (and in part gave me answers for why others inflict harm). If there's an answer for my pain, that means there was a process to it, and if there was a process, then, unless there exist no other processes, the process can be undone. I've been exploring what process led me to carry my trauma with me, and part of that exploration involved facing the truth of how I felt about my own state. By facing, I mean accepting and allowing to exist. I have never felt so brought to my knees or helpless than when I put my shield down, alone, and let my real emotions envelop me (hatred, rage, misery, hopelessness, confusion, shame, guilt, uncertainty) and let those feelings have a right to exist, at the breadth that they felt necessary. No judgment. No suppression. Being vulnerable with myself has made facing the trauma healing. The process which kept me in the dark for 20+ years is unraveling. Since I have changed my mindset through new processes (actions, knowledge, beliefs), the outcomes in my life have changed. If I believe I'm oppressed, I oppress myself. If I believe in my freedom, then no one can take it from me. There is no controlling the actions or beliefs of others, but we're always in control of who we are, both actions and beliefs. Our hope needs to be there. Then, even when we are hurt, we can see the foolish desperation of our tormentors and be free. So, I'm not sure how this came up, but, I felt compelled to say something in case it may help. Believing in improbabilities puts our life in the air, and the outcome of our life wherever we believe it may go most likely. By putting faith in my own ability to choose my experiences (and I mean really convincing myself, not trying to delude myself), I have directed my paths and the outcomes in my life--where before nothing else had ever worked. Maybe sharing such a mindset with your BF and allowing him to mull it over may help in some small way? I am using my words to convey the thought, of course, so it won't be a perfect understanding, but from one victim of abuse to another: I sincerely put my faith into this system of thought. I see. So your BF believes the difference is: one way he is voluntarily giving up his voice, and the other is his voice being taken away. I figured but didn't want to offend by getting it wrong. Thank you for clarifying! In the kindest way possible, this is a lie he's bought into. He never feels safe and that's why he wears a mask. If he felt safe he wouldn't have need for defense. He wears a mask because he believes he's rendered silent. He feels "safe" around you because he has more eyes to watch the horizon (i.e. more defense). I've been there. I still have nightmares occasionally when sleeping alone. I married my spouse in an attempt to never be alone again (even though I told everyone it was for "love"). Huge mistake. All of that behavior was borne by extreme insecurity bordering paranoia. That level of insecurity ensures you never attach to others, which ensures eventual so-called insanity. That insecurity will follow him to the grave unless he can learn to acknowledge and challenge it. Insecurity is the toughest foe, because its weakness is in being seen, but we have to be willing to look at it if we hope to overcome it. Willingness being key. Speaking only from experience. I've been where he is. It's no walk in the park. In fact, everything I've said here would probably come across as negative, since it would make him feel vulnerable and he's fleeing from vulnerability like the plague. Understandably, since he was vulnerable when he was taken advantage of. But that's not what I'm doing, so I hope he can one day pull himself free and face truth, face vulnerability, then find rest in his heart. Anyway, I've rambled enough. I wish you and him all the best in all the world.
Yeah, I think you have. You know very little about his life and way less about him as a person, what he thinks, believes or not. You might have been in a similar situation - but that doesn't make you the same. What I wrote above is mainly biographical and part of what I've come to understand about him, or in parts what he told me. But then, like said: Keep in mind, his way of expressing emotions is massively limited.
Sry, missed ya. Actually I'm fond of the Open relationship model... It's a Bit more complex tonput it Here via Smartphone and @work, so let me geht Back to you via pn
I understand that perspective. I, personally, believe people are a lot more "the same" than we realize, on a fundamental level. My only intention was to share my experiences, as others have done for me. Not going to pretend my opinion is the end-all of everything, of course.
I'm writing a mystery. She's actually a secondary character, but based on a situation I learned of several years ago. I'm thinking I may even have her as the lead character in an upcoming story.
