The Not Happy Thread

Around here it's been foggy for the past few days. They're calling for more fog tomorrow morning and rain in the afternoon. Rain for the rest of the week, too. That's okay - I like it wet, especially after living in California, which was similar to living inside a bonfire. Besides, it's nice to come home when it's cold and wet outside and warm and dry inside. I get a proud little feeling of triumph over the elements just by making it home from the grocery store.

 

This is such a little stupid thing, but I've been paying more attention to my appearance recently. I've always liked nice clothes and had fun putting outfits together on online games and things, but usually I just wear a T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, so I've been looking at clothes (that I can't really afford) and thinking about how I'd like to dress. But now I've realised that with paying more attention to my clothes comes paying more attention to the bits of my appearance I don't like, and I'm worried that I won't be able to stop. Should I go the whole hog and wear make-up? Yes - my face is pockmarked and blotchy. Should I get some skinny jeans? Hmm - might not be a good idea considering the size of my thighs. And on it goes. What else will I spot?

 

This is the not happy thread, right? So here I go!

1) Ι have to deliver 4 projects due Monday and I've done nothing so far and I'm so not in the mood to produce shit of any kind. These projects have been assigned waaaaay too late and are so fucking boring and uninspiring, I just can't... literally actually, 'cause...

2) .... I got a strain at my back and I can't move my head around and my right arm is somewhat disabled to an extend as well and on Friday, Imma wake up early to go to school for the only reason to carry...

3) ... a belated rented camera and a tripod. Now, how I'm gonna carry them... Who the fuck knows or cares?

4) I've just been informed that I'm getting paid late as well. I have to last until next Friday. I've been dry since two days ago... Mother%@^&#@#^%hjsdhuif fjdrlghudt fjtyeiujewjfu lpok906reubhc nmcklhqw fdujk eerjkfhojerm sauiferjkmhjremjki of a jfivr fdv ghvh yuk hby r , fdvg g dt v g sg gbh d tr wdrhbg. AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) Tired of being the mediator between my mother and my sister. My mother and my grandmother. My two cats. My friends. Their friends. The whatever. Tired of being the diplomat. The fool more likely. I feel so used sometimes. The corner where everyone spits. "Used" as "used up" and "drained". "Sucked dry" you know?

... I wish I could just hibernate

 

Update: Jury duty was set for Thursday. I called the special 1-800 toll free number as directed, and the summons has been cancelled. There will be no trial. All hail the mighty plea bargain. I’m a little disappointed, but I will admit it works out nice for me.

 

I was going to post about my current living situation, but it got too long and convoluted, so I'll just say it's not ideal at the moment.

 

So I'm just going to go ahead and vent about my 2019.

I had a really good job as a CSR for an HVAC wholesaler. It was a cushy salary position with monthly bonuses and paid hourly for any time worked over 40 hours in a week. I haven't kept most jobs for more than a year but I was going on two years with this place and it was the best job I ever had. I actually started in a different position and was promoted to the CSR position per my own request. I had grand plans for staying with the company, investing in my retirement (in company and out), and finally getting my shit together.

They "let me go" seven months later and even fed me the, "It's not personal, it's business" line which I really hate because all that means is that it wasn't personal for them but it felt pretty personal to me.

Four months before that my dad had died suddenly.

I got a Facebook message from an old friend of mine who was one of my father's emergency contacts. The hospital wasn't able to get in touch with me because they were one digit off with my phone number. He had been dead for two days before I found it. I was mowing the grass at my job (something I did for extra cash on the side though I certainly didn't need it at the time) and I just collapsed and sobbed like a little boy.

So jumping forward again to after I lost my job, I was unemployed for two months (I'm actually good at budgeting my money so I had some savings to fall back on but it was running thin). I knew I wouldn't find another job that paid me the way my last one did. It was a fluke that I ever landed something that good, an opportunity that I dropped like so many others in my life. One of the things that I am grateful for is that I appeared to be in a good place in my life when my father died and he always told me how proud he was of me.

For context, my current job is HVAC commercial installation and service (temporary heating for construction sites and the occasional retail location). I have practically zero training as a service technician and so my technical knowledge in the field is lacking but I do the best I can because I am only one of three employees.

I'm making good money where I'm at now but that is only by working 60 to 80 hours a week (this is not an exaggeration, my second week with the company was 85 hours). I am making as much money now as I would from a typical 40-hour week at my last job (before my bonuses).

Most of the work itself isn't challenging but it is grueling, physical labor that has me working outside and it only gets busier when it's cold, raining, and snowing. The hard truth is that I'm not cut out for this kind of work; physically or intellectually. I'm in pretty consistent physical pain or just general aches beyond my age every day.

I've been in the HVAC field in one form of another for years but I've never been a mechanically inclined individual and still struggle with understanding the fundamentals of my field or even basic tool-use. I also have a tendency to make various small mistakes that continuously add up to bite me in the butt.

For example, this has been my week thus far:

Monday, I had an install job that had me driving to Kentucky to do an install job. I live and work in Columbus, Ohio. Everything actually went rather smoothly. When I got there, they didn't even want me to install the heaters because they weren't ready yet so I talked one of their guys through the how-tos and left them with the equipment. As soon as I got back to Columbus, my boss rings me and tells me I have to take a service call...in Cincinnati (I just drove through there).

I managed not to mess anything up on that day. It was actually a very simple service call. They had just finished the drywall and two of the heaters stopped working. They had dirty spark-plugs. I cleaned them with a wire brush and they fired up no problem. Four hours of drive time for five minutes of work. That was actually not a bad day. It was an inconvenience and I was dog-tired by the time I got home but still not a bad day.

Tuesday I had to go on a service call at the airport. My boss told the supervisor on the job site that he was sending his technician (I am not a technician which in the HVAC world, if you don't know, is very different from an installer which amounts to the difference between knowing how to plug in a working microwave and knowing how to fix a broken one). I don't know how to fix this problem. It's far beyond some dirty spark plugs. I am in correspondence with two of our own technicians who work out of our home office in Chicago so there is nobody on site with me.

To make an already long story short, the supervisor on site is looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot because I have no idea what I'm doing and he figures out pretty quickly that he, not being in the HVAC field, knows more about it than I do. I know I'm incompetent and I know I'm not a very smart person. This isn't self-pity. It's just years of personal life experience. I'm not even a good writer and that's something that I'm actually passionate about.

So after I make it out of that hole, it's on to the next job. Back to Cincinnati to do a very simple install (even by my standards) but when I get there, I realize that I forgot the regulator for the heater (when hooking up to a propane tank, you need an extra regulator because of propane's higher psi) so I had to drive back to the shop. I had to return that night on my own time and in my own vehicle to finish the job. I wouldn't get back home until 3:45AM so I just drove the extra 15 minutes back to my job and slept in my car because I had to be back to work by 6AM.

So now we make it to today. Happy birthday to me, by the way.

I'm missing my dad more than ever. He's the only person who ever calls me to tell me happy birthday. I miss him so much that my chest hurts. He's the person I would go to with my problems. He was always there for me whether I needed an ear or a hug. I haven't had a girlfriend or even any sort of physical, intimate contact (not just sex but a hug or holding hands) with a woman since October of 2012. I needed time after the break-up, just a year before I got back out there in that dating world. A year turned into two which turned into me being too terrified to and not even fully knowing how to initiate even a friendship much less a romantic relationship (I've never had great social skills except for in a professional setting such as in customer service).

That seems like an odd segue but what I'm getting at is my dad has always been a steady emotional support for me and I just want to curl up in a hug and fucking cry until I'm no longer crippled by constant loneliness.

So back to my birthday workday. I got a speeding ticket on my way to a job so let's just add that to the pile. I picked up two heat pumps from a job and brought them back to the shop. One of them was a small 1-ton unit that was easy to handle and move. But the 5 ton unit is a 350 pound behemoth that I (stupidly) was trying to get on to the truck's lift gate so I could lower it down but I forgot to lock two of the wheels before turning it. From the bed of the pick-up truck, this thing rolled down and fell on top of me.

Needless to say, I am in pain and am expecting quite a bit more when I wake up for work tomorrow. I did manage to brace my shoulder just enough but I was still buried full-body under the thing when it fell and since nobody was there when it happened, I had to drag myself out from under it. I'm 5'10" and 240 pounds and it's not muscle. How long, I wonder, before I get fired from this job?

I'm struggling with a genuine fear of becoming homeless although I know that if I went crawling to certain members of my family that they'd put a roof over my head and help me get on my feet. They'd shake their head and roll their eyes but they (probably) wouldn't let me become homeless. It's shame and not pride that would see me sleeping under a bridge before going to them.

This has been my 2019. Previous years have only been better by comparison but not by much. At least I still had my dad to encourage me and convince me that I could always do better.

So I just scrolled up and this turned into a whole thing. Holy shit. I didn't even get into the guilt I feel over my dad's death and I won't bother. This is the first time I've done any sort of venting so watch your step please because those are my guts on the floor.

I'll probably be embarrassed and regret writing all of this come tomorrow (I think I already am) but I found this thread by mistake and thought I'd take the chance to unload my woes on you fine folks because you only know me on a minimally personal level and I don't have to look any of you in the eyes.

Deep breath. Sigh. Thanks for reading.

 

Happy Birthday for you anyway!

No regrets. Life just sucks sometimes, or most times. Kudos to you for opening up. I, too, am worth a million in prizes.
IDK - If you're a step away from homeless, unattached, and used to travel? Get a used trailer and fix it up. Even without fix-it knowledge, you had the balls to step up, in whatever way, to resolve the HVAC challenges. So same with a trailer, or whatever else you might try. I know it sucks like shit, but maybe your dad is telling you to move on from what anchors you to your current life. Live simple and turn away from possessions and distractions for now. Take off on a small adventure, and write write write!

 

I work with a bunch of locos Susan (our secretary) is stressed with another co-worker so she’s gonna insinuate I don’t like her, only for Bon (a coworker) to say she’s just messing with me And for me to not worry about it when I'm busy trying to figure out what I've done to make her think I didn't like her.

 

My guess is that she doesn't like you because you beat up her mother and strangled her cat when you were high on meth that time. And you stole her boyfriend and told him she had cooties or something, so she had to spend that week in hospital getting her various parts removed. Now she can only eat gummy bears and it's all your fault. She thinks you owe her an apology and her boyfriend back. And an aqualung, because she has to spend most of her time underwater, hiding from you.

I'm kidding, of course. (I hope.... )

 

It's an odd feeling to eat chocolate while holding in ugly sobs.

 

Sob first, then eat the chocolate. You can taste it more that way!

 

Are you sobbing because the chocolate is delicious or expired? If it's the former, I'll never understand why. If the latter then the answer is obvious. "Good God, throw it away man!"

 

I have tried that method. 2/10 don't recommend. You get about four or five spectacular nights, then you turn into a day drinker who does nothing but cry on that couch and watch some garbage sitcom and try to relate to some character in it. I recommend radical changes and moving across the country.

 

I'd say great, keep doing this ...but forget 'fashion' and do what makes you look good. You can buy lots of great stuff on ebay for very little money. Look for well-designed 'used' items. I love Sahara clothing, but there is no way I'd ever spend £150 on a linen top. However, I've managed to get a few used Sahara tops that suit me really well for around £20-30. If they're classic and a bit 'arty' then they don't have to be this year's stuff.

Does makeup really help problem skin? I don't think so myself. Just be natural, but take care of your appearance. Get a haircut that really flatters you, but is maybe a bit trendy. Wear colours that suit you, and clothes that don't exhibit the bits you think are not attractive. (If you've got flabby upper arms or thighs, don't wear sleeveless tops or shorts, etc.) If you have a lot of belly or waist fat, don't wear fitted clothing. Instead, wear loose clothing that is well-designed to be worn loose. Wear the nicest fabrics you can find/afford. (Again, ebay is your friend, as are thrift stores.) Pick jewelry that you really like, but don't overdo it.

Most of all, have fun! How you present yourself to the world is a lot of fun to play with. If you worry about your appearance, that fearfulness will show; if you play with your appearance and have fun and take a few chances, that will show as well.

 

I tried that, but without the sitcoms or the crying, and it turned out lovely. Maybe in this case it really was TV that was to blame.

 

But did it really turn out lovely? Because I thought it was lovely at the time. I thought I was doing great and I was wonderful to be around. We all have good days and bad days right? Good days I take home someone at 2am from the bar on a Wednesday, only to "oversleep" for work at 4am that morning, but fuck it, it was a good time right? Except for the rent...but that's okay because the landlord doesn't take checks from the office until Friday of the first week, so I got another pay check to go...if I still have a job...maybe...screw it lets go back to the pub. What, is three in the afternoon on a Thursday to early? Come on man, keep up! I woke up with breakfast shots before I sent her home, you can at least humor an old friend as he tries to forget about what he's worried about. Can't you?

 

Etsy is good for vintage clothes and accessories as well, I've picked up a couple of nice waistcoats there.

 

It's amazing how many breakfast foods Bailey's compliments. Wanna liven up your coffee? Bailey's! Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Baileys!! Traditional Chocolate Sunday? Oh Brother, you better believe it's some Bailey's!!!

 

As someone who has always struggled with body image, I completely understand this.

One the one hand: I love the idea of fashion and putting outfits & pieces together. I love the idea of being dolled up in beautiful clothes.

On the other: the simple act of throwing on a dress makes me suddenly contemplate my appearance. The dress is nice, but look at your hair. . . Neither straight nor curly. Just bland and awkward. Best to straighten it. But with a pretty dress and now styled hair, your face looks so—ugh, like did you just give up? Okay, okay. So now I’ll throw on some BB Cream but what colour lipstick or lip stain? Red might pop more but it can easily look overdone based on eyeliner. But then nude might look too casual if you don’t really put any effort into your eye makeup. Should I add blush? Does that mean I also need to countour and highlight?? But now that I’ve spent all this time trying to be pretty with my hair and makeup, is this even the right dress? Does it show chub in awkward places? Or is it flattering but in a way that overly emphasises my curves? Do I look slutty? Do I look prudish? Do I look like a pig in lipstick?? Maybe I’ll just stay home. Maybe I shouldn’t try to throw on pretty clothes. Maybe jeans and blouses and basic jackets are all I should wear. It’s less work. It’s less thought. It’s less masochistic. It’s less depressing. . .


But there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, so irrationally uplifting to me than a cute new haircut. I feel lighter, brighter, dare I say pretty when I’ve come back from the salon. And with that hairstyle, it becomes a simpler, less stressful matter to throw on some simple light makeup—something to compliment the specific style of my new ‘do—and then throw together an outfit or few that makes me feel put-together and fashionable and happy.

And the hairstyle will usually last me a few weeks—because the stylist thinned and shaped and framed it so my hair “naturally“ falls better, even after I wash it myself.


Regarding clothing we can’t afford, I’m also of two minds.

I try to be as fiscally responsible as possible, but I also believe a workman’s worth his wages and quality can come at a cost.

Typically I weigh what I’m trying to get, the overall quality, whether the quality warrants the price in every specific instance, see if there are any specials or discounts, and what it is I can safely budget at a given time.

I bought two dresses in the past four months, one $50~ and the other $100~. I have bought no other clothes or makeup or other items in this time, and only recently purchased a laptop after having diligently saved up for it for the past several months.

Those dresses are beautiful—one is a soft wool twill with collar & cuffs and it is so soft and warm and has the nicest a-line silhouette; the other is a black lace bodycon that just makes me happy because the lace is gorgeous, especially how the lace drapes for the sleeves and I just adore lace.

But I waited a long time before I decided to buy any additional dresses for my wardrobe. Part of the reasoning was for the wedding festivities—one for the bridal party, one for the bachelorette (and I had a dress that would work for the wedding already in my closet that hadn’t gotten much use–royal blue Halston Heritage scuba dress with cap sleeves & tulip skirt).

I think it’s okay to splurge a little on reasonably priced luxuries so long as you’ve budgeted accordingly for such expenditures. It really can make you feel like a hundred bucks when you’re wearing something that’s good quality and looks lovely.

Hope you find what’s right for you and makes you happy.

 

It's a really specific reason I'm a bit embarrassed about now, but it wasn't either of those.

I would have done the alcohol stuff except I don't drink anymore because of my heart medication. Alcohol makes me vibrate unpleasantly now, and caffeine feels like it's killing me. I'm a completely boring person.

 

Welcome to my club! Finally, someone here to bash me on the head with it!
There, got a good hold? Now, if you would please...

 

I'm non-violent, man. Sorry. I'll have a chat with you about whatever you'd like, though. You like Popsicles? I have some in my basement.