What Are You Doing?

IDK. Trying to sort out life on some levels.
Oh well, doesn't matter. I don't think I ever
did. I am just one man, a mere speck of dust,
a sub-atomic particle in a vast universe that
cares not for my thoughts or feelings.

There will be those that have happiness and
all that they desire, and those who can only
imagine it. But there in lies the question:
"Do you appreciate it more if you have all that
you want, or more when it is gone, or if it is
merely a construct in your mind?"

Massive contemplation from such a minuscule
insignificant speck, that means nothing in a universe
that probably doesn't know or even care that
the speck exists within it.

Enough mildly depressive philosophy, from this speck
aware that it exists.

Gonna try and get some writing done, even though I have
no idea where my fictional story will go. Too much procrastination
is a bad thing sometimes.

 

Here's a simpler and more crude response to your philosophy. Why give a fuck about the universe when it doesn't give a fuck about you? And I think people appreciate the earning of things more than the thing itself. I was highly depressed a while ago for a number of reasons, but one of the main ones was the I hadn't done anything worthwhile. And for some reason I thought drinking would fill that void. Yep, that worked out great. Anyways, fast forward a bit, I'm quite a bit happier now that I took the harder road and started earning more achievements through small and large goals. I don't think I contemplate a place in the universe because I simply don't care. If I thought about it, I'd fall into an infinite loop of insignificance. But completing my goals is significant to me and I alone. Thinking smaller and more condensed stops the burden of the infinite from being a factor. Just do what you need to do. Anyways, rant completed. Good luck on your story!

 

Here's a thought:
I had everything I thought I wanted; the job, the money, the identity, and even admiration. But all glory is fleeting, and I lost it all, save family. At that point, things I hadn't noticed in the cacophony of my life came over me in a wave, and it changed me. Once I had no job, no identity, and no money, I turned away from everything that I did to keep that job, that money, and even that identity, and the things... oh Gohd, the things! I'm drowning in them. Stacked on top of me, they would kill me. I love things, but they don't love me, and they sit and taunt me. I don't identify with them anymore. I hide from them. I'm a speck with a mass of specks whirling around me.
Rewind.
To the question, it is better not to have, than not to want. I want nothing. You should want things; things to share, things to be, things to give. You should want it all. Just be prepared to share it or pass it on, or walk away from it altogether. I sit and curse the weight of the chains I put around myself, no longer able to drag them. No longer a slave to them, I am their prisoner.
Fast forward to your speck, so-called. A speck is literally infinitely more than nothing. The entirety of the living conscious Universe started as less than a speck. Some unknowable operator expressed the imbalance that is existence, like music. The spark grew, wanting more, and became more, and expressed you in great stellar furnaces and explosions, like a song. You are not the speck. You are of the specks. You are all the specks, listening to the music, echoing it. You give it meaning by expressing that meaning, or there would be none. You are the Universe expressing itself. You definitely hear the music, CT. You are the song.
I, being deeply into heavy metal, am listening.

 

Mm. Nothing like getting food poisoning so bad you spend a two days at the hospital getting your stomach pumped. Lived through it, so ha! In your face food poison!

As of right now, I'm eating applesauce. Seems to be the only thing I can....hold.

 

Trying to stay awake. I got tons of things to do and I've only slept 3 hours. I must be getting old. My brain is incapable of processing more complex things and is protesting by pushing the thought every 30 seconds that I need to quit everything and just lie down. Done writing the first draft though. Tomorrow I'm going to make a final edit and get on with the shootings. I have to go to the center again (should have already left actually)... I don' wanna I hope that once I drag my ass out in the bloody cold I'm going to feel somewhat revitalized.

 

Throat feels so weird. Tightening at random, burning constantly. Swallowing anything is painful, to say the least. Applesauce is good though.

Pain meds are making these ideas for the WIP all wonky. Should write them down, just for the hell of it. Might be something I could use.

 

Watching this,



While pretending my applesauce is cheesecake. Very relaxing.

ETA: Ooh, found an even better one.



Yum.

 

trying to talk myself into bleaching my hair for the first time in my life.... i have all the products laid out in front of me: the bleach, developer, conditioner, the hair color (emerald green), and oil....... but im too nervous to do anything

 

Just do a spot or something?

 

Wondering where my paycheck went and getting ready to go to bed for work tomorrow. Blargh that job makes me tummy hurt. Changes gonna be coming in 2020. Why don`t I just start now?........shush....shush


Really though I`m just trying to fly through the holidays so they can be over with and all this bs social obligations can leave me alone. I`m a misanthrope thank you very much.

 

I ended up going for it... But I didn't leave the bleach on long enough to make a difference. The color wasn't as vibrant as I wanted, but oh well

 

I bleached my hair once and only once. I'm a natural redhead, but I supplement dyed my hair a darker red, and it went BRIGHT orange. Not the best look for me. I gave up on blonde and stayed a redhead for about ten years and then I went brunette. I never felt sexier. Now I'm growing it out to be all its natural color again because my niece inherited that color and I want her to see it's just as beautiful.

-----

I'm going to fall asleep for real now. Thought I was going to a little bit ago, but now I'm feelin' it, Mr. Krabs. Goodnight!

 

I naturally have dark brown hair. I've been dying it black for years lol, but that's partly because I've been too afraid to bleach it and try a brighter color, and partly because bright colors aren't professional in the workplace (SOME workplaces)/job hunting. Now that I've been at my job for over a year, and I'm in no risk of being fired, lol, I figure nows a great time to experiment with hair color

 

Never hit Lonnie to reconnect with the Monk.
The Lonnie trip, due to being barefoot, zonked me out for two days.
Also missed out on the pristine cond N64 combo auction. It went for $300.
Didn't even get to bid, as I prefer to bid in the last 7 seconds.
Not even the slightest ripple of disappointment.

And speaking of the nature of life, the universe and everything due to reading the latest batch of posts...

 

Spoiler: Rant: Medium - Backstory...

First 20 years. No spiritual or religious upbringing. I was naturally curious about the scientific views of L, U and E. As a child I'd often look up into the night sky marvelling that the universe went on forever, and all the stars are suns just like ours.
Though I lived those years more like a farm animal. Just being a human being without putting much conscious thought into who I was or what my purpose was. I just lived day to day, trying to be one of the herd.

Had my first breakdown at 20-21. By 21-23, life had spiralled down to having nothing; was quite suicidal at the time. I was living on my own in the surrounding bushland around a Uni in the Brizzie suburbs, in a single bed sized hut I made out of pallet wood, twine and large plastic sheeting I was given from small factories in the industrial section some 30 minutes BMX ride away.

Would go for walks around the Uni perimeter and came across the maintenance building. Struck up a convo with one of the guys who was a born again christian. First positive encounter with a religious person. Reconnected with my christian GF (to be wife), became a christian, and stayed on that path for 20 years.

In the middle of those 20 years, marriage fell apart, lost everything again. Had my 2nd breakdown at 33. Rebuilt my soul, me and the kids became a single parent family. As I continued to delve into Christianity, I could no longer rationalise the errors, so I deconverted and began exploring many different paths, scientific, spiritual and psychological.

My inner shit, that I lacked any significant understanding of, continued to increase. I sent me teenaged kids away so they wouldn't have to see their father go insane or be damaged by me.

Three years on my own in a rented house in the burbs, had a profound vision that remains the single foundation of my being. 2007, packed small amount of possessions into rented storage and lived in me work sedan for the last year of construction work. Learnt I'm a Hermit archetype, the inner shit intensified, attempted suicide in 2008, 46 yrs old, my 3rd breakdown. Had a Buddha Nature experience in the psychward, had a profound encounter with a wise old Kookaburra a few weeks later, fully sorted my shit out 1 year later.

Spoiler: Rant: Meduim - Life, the universe, and everything...

I now no longer dread not knowing what this reality actually is:
Be it mechanistic - unconscious matter swirling around and somehow life comes out of it, thus when we die we cease existing, thus one may conclude there's no point to doing anything of value, of striving for goals because it's all destroyed.

Or if there is a creator god or conscious being that made this reality and everything in it, thus there is a purpose to life, and our souls depart from this reality when our bodies die and we go to the next life.

Or, the current concept I'm exploring, that this reality is a simulation, and either I'm a separate program that interfaces within the matrix of the larger program that is reality, and whether I have free will and am able to generate original thought, or is my being preprogrammed...

...or my human form is an avatar that I've been assigned to or I've chosen from outside the simulation, much like I'm in control of Cowboy Naruto as I traverse the simulated realm of RDR, or like James Cameron's Avatar, where the soul of the hero soldier is placed inside the native avatar and he lives as that being.

What I've discovered on my journey and what I've chosen as the most important element, is to know myself. As I sorted my shit out over a 25 year span, I discovered\reasoned it was never the stormy seas of this reality I was sailing through that was causing me grief, but that I lacked the knowledge and skill to develop and master my ship as I sailed. The nature of the ocean is important to understand, but nowhere near as important as knowing the vessel one uses to sail on it.

As for purpose, if I still don't know the absolute truth about reality, I choose my purpose. Regardless of the four versions of reality I mentioned, I am at peace; not because I know what reality is all about, but because I know what I'm about and what I want to achieve in this reality, and that I'm now secure enough in myself to know I'll be able to handle whatever life sends my way, be it this life or what may come after it.

Uncertainity is only in what I know of the external elements of life. There is no uncertainty regarding my self.

The main thing that enables me to have profound inner peace despite not knowing the future or what life is all about is, I no longer have inner turmoil, for I've sorted my inner shit out. Now the uncharted waters of what I'll experience in this life and what will come after my vessel dies, doesn't bother me. I'm secure in my self and I choose what I'll do and what's important and worth spending my life on.

 

2:57
- Makin' 2nd keto coffee and preparing stew and pinapple for breakie later on.
- Just got a small dose of mild drizzle. Sounds nice on the iron roof.
- Lasted only a few seconds, then a minute later, another short burst.

- The treadlee bottles scrubbed up okay. One perfectly clean, the other has minute orange mold looking stuff in places on the bottom. It's got a fresh batch of cleaner, baking soda and vinegar in it and I'll let it stew for a few days. If it doesn't clean up, at least one was restored.

 

Good question. What am I doing?

 

Spoiler: The great gate incident of 2019...

The bottom corner of the wooden framed gate I made for the new chicken wire fence across half the front yard I installed many moons ago, has worn out a tad, thus when mild wind blows against the closed gate, said gate moves and the wooden swivel latch I made falls off the stopper that's attached to the fence. I never made a U shaped holder for the latch. The uneven build created a spring effect that kept the latch pressured against the fence.

I very small job to do, that back in the day would require unrolling 40 metres of two extension leads, a double adapter, set up two drills, one with two drill bits, the other with a phillips head bit (or screw by hand), thus small jobs requiring a disproportionate amount of time and the use of heavy power drills. Mein himmel, tired just from thinking about it.

The latch needed fixing for the last several weeks, and when I finally unpacked and used me 12V drills a few weeks ago, it became apparent how small jobs can be done quite quickly and with far less effort in setting up; I did the deed after coming back from Lonnie on Thursdee.

In the toolshed:
- Cut, shaped and filed the edges of the wooden housing end for the latch.
- Unpacked the 12V drill and shoved in the large battery.
- Set the impact up with the phillips bit.
- Drilled holes big enough for the wood screws to go through.
- Set off for the gate with small piece of wood and me two 12volters already set up.
- Marked and bored two small pilot holes for the wood screws.
- Screwed those suckers in with the impact drill.
- Job, from start to finish done in a few minutes, with zero packing up of tools.

One of the better tool purchase I've made. $200 worth will pay for itself in next to no time.

6:30 am: Havin' nice warm stew. Rain has been mildly drizzling on and off all morn.
Been chillin' out in zombie infested RDR land for a few hours.

 

Trip sitting my younger brother. He's eating everything I have in the fridge, which includes an unholy amount of applesauce. Least it won't go to wa- ....wait a minute, all food goes to waste one way or another....

Think I'll enjoy this pain-free day with a nice glass of water.

 

Getting ready for work. I started working at a bar to help out my sister a couple of holidays ago but lately they've been needing my help more and more. Didn't really want another day job, but oh well, I guess.

 

Rewriting.. two books at a time. Reminds me of my old AOL role-playing days where I would switch between chats, playing two characters at once. I know there has to be a few of you old-school guys on here. That's where I honed most of my writing skills (especially on the fly-quick writing)

 

Yep, I remember the days. I kinda miss those days in a way actually.

 

Some of the best years of my life.

 

The asl days with lots of genuine laughter.

 

I legitimately need to be sleeping, but I am not. I am being a sleepy doof on the internet instead.