Hi, I'm in the midst of writing for my new website, and where I don't have any problems with grammar I want to make sure that I structure my paragraph correctly. If I give you a sample of one of my pages can somebody tell me whether it should be two paragraphs, or whether the content belongs in one paragraph?
Each paragraph should be about one specific subject, or one line of thought concerning that subject. Think of a paragraph as a tight unit of thought, and each time you switch to a different thought or a different take on the original thought, you pause to let the previous one sink in and start a new paragraph. I also took the liberty of suggesting a few changes to improve the flow of ideas. I changed the sentence about sitting next to your dads watching them drive because it was confusing—first it was dads plural, and then it switched to him, which is singular. There's probably a better way to fix it than what I did, but it would require a bit more restructuring, maybe an extra sentence or 2. I also added the 'Meanwhile, all my friends were driving' because you want to introduce an idea before listing examples of it. It just keeps things more concise and understandable. However, that part does seem to me to fit into the paragraph with what comes before it, they're all tightly related. I also removed the 'Nick and I grew up together' sentence to keep to one sentence per example. No sentence should just hang there and not add to the idea , and that one can easily be cut without affecting things. It's already clear each example is about your friends.
Thank you very much. I feel like I am talking to a teacher That's given me some good ideas to work on. When I have finished my website I will share the link with you. I'm not suggesting that you go through the whole website and proofread it for me. But constructive criticism is always helpful. And I'm very eager to improve how I write.
Actually, now I have had another chance to think about it I think I may remove all the dad stuff because it's really not relevant to what that particular article is all about. I feel I am waffling when I don't need to waffle.
I have completely restructured the paragraph and removed a lot of unnecessary text. I think it reads so much better now.
I am a premium subscriber to the Grammarly and I've got to be honest I couldn't be without it now. However, sometimes it suggests that you rewrite certain phrases. For instance, it doesn't seem to like the term "left behind". I quite like that phrase but Grammarly doesn't appear to agree. That's better
Really? If that part of the article is about your difficulties learning to drive, then I think the dad and friends stuff is very relevant. It humanizes the whole story. Without that I think it would come across cold and clinical, though of course I haven't seen the rest of the article. Be careful with Grammarly. It;'s good for some stuff like punctuation and spelling, but when it comes to higher order stuff like word choice and sentence structure, I hear it gets pretty weird and you often have to just ignore it. I haven't used it myself, I might be a little off on what I said, but I know people say you need to take what it suggests with a lot of grains of salt.
Yes, it does suggest silly words occasionally. However, it also suggests words that work really well. Okay, regarding the dad stuff, yes, maybe you're right. It's good to have someone to give great advice, thanks You're probably going to get sick of me
The only change I would suggest is the paragraph break, aside from removing the word a in the second sentence. I would even think about adding a bit to suggest that the cars your dad brought home were his toys, like bigger versions of yours. Also, as a reader, I'm curious about how/why your dad and uncle imported the Leyland Minis—was he a car dealer or something? Or just had the money and wanted the best, newest toys?
Here's a thought that occurs to me. I haven't seen your site yet of course, and I don't know if you have other sections that come before this one. If not, then as a reader I want to know what's the nature of your handicap? You said you broke your neck, that suggests paralysis? I also want to know what kind of controls the cars have that you drive, but I assume that will come a little later—you haven't really got up to that point yet.
Okay, this might explain things a bit easier. I'm creating a website called wheelz4life.co.uk which is basically about my life and what I have made of it since having my accident in 1986. I have an "about me" page so I didn't think there is any need to go into too much detail on the "driving" page. What I could do is create a link to my "about me" page just in case people arrive at my driving page and don't know anything about me. Does that make sense? Regarding my dad and the Mini. My uncle Donald who was his elder brother was already working in Austria and Germany importing cars from the UK. After my father left the Air Force we all moved over to Hamburg where my dad worked with my brother until 1973. Unfortunately, my uncle Donald passed away in 1974. There's also going to be a section on my hobbies, angling, amateur radio and computers. You'll be the first person I post a link to after the website is finished.
Mod hat on here: Hi @Ironside! I'm one of the forum moderators, and I want to welcome you to the forum, BUT you are kinda pushing the envelope here at the moment. (Unintentionally, I'm sure—a frequent mistake made by eager new members, no harm done.) But you're not allowed to put your work up for feedback on the forum until you have: 1) been here for two full weeks (14 days) 2) made at least 20 posts around the forum AND 3) done at least two critiques for other members in our Workshop area The Workshop area is the only area where you are allowed to post your work for feedback. I allowed the first few posts on this thread to remain, because you were asking a general, structure-related question about paragraph breaks. However, the discussion is getting a bit too specific to your own piece of writing to allow it to continue. I'll need to delete @Thundair's post above, and @Xoic's as well because they are actually critiquing your writing. (Sorry, you guys ...you made a good job of the critique, but this isn't the right location for it. ) And I'm closing further responses to this thread. Before you do anything else, please read these two links, which should make things a lot clearer. New Member Quick Start and Forum Rules If you have any questions, don't hesitate to 'start a conversation' with me (click the owl avatar and follow the signs) and I'll do my best to help. Cheers for now, Jan
