This is a sentence from a query letter I am working on. I am looking at ways of punctuating this. I don't want to use risky grammar. Any thoughts on these two options? Or indeed, alternatives. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother and leave the girl in the firing line, or the perilous option, head down to London and end this thing. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother and leave the girl in the firing line — or the perilous option — head down to London and end this thing.
This is a tricky one indeed. I'm assuming the sentence comes after something like: Dave has a choice. Keep running from(...). Also, since it says "blames him", I'mma do this in the present tense. He could keep running, leaving the girl to Ralph Teller's tender care. On the other hand, he could head down to London and end this thing. The only problem; Ralph Teller is a vengeful gangster who blames him for the death of his brother. (I'm assuming here that RT has "the girl" in his custody. It's also quite narrative.) He could keep running, but he couldn't take the girl with him. Maybe Ralph Teller wouldn't find her. But why not go to London? Ralph Teller is a gangster, thinks like one, and would never expect his brother's killer to end this thing on his own terms. Ralph Teller blames him for his brother's death. He could keep running from the vengeful gangster and leave the girl in the firing line, or head down to London and end this thing... Or himself. I don't know, that's all I got. We spiders try to keep away from vengeful gangsters. Hope it helps.
I have zero experience writing a query letter or even completing a novel (yet) but I prefer the style of the second one, but I think you need to put the complete sentence for more experienced members to judge it. I'd even consider changing the order, maybe even removing 'vengeful' as it's sort of implied by the rest of the sentence. I'd consider: He has to choose: leave the girl behind and keep running from Ralph Teller, a gangster who blames him for the death of his brother, or the perilous option — head down to London and end this thing.
Keep running from Ralph Teller, the vengeful gangster who blames him for his brother's death, leaving the girl in the firing line? Or take the perilous option—go down to London and end this thing.
Does the name really matter that much though? If I were putting a name to anyone, I'd give it to the girl. That way she's humanized while the gangster is just a nameless force. I might try this. Keep running from the vengeful gangster who blames him for his brother's death, leaving the girl in the firing line? Or ignore the peril, head down to London and end this thing. It's interesting how it's one big question with the last part assumed as more than a statement. You're writing fragments, so I think you can get away that.
The girl is named in the next para. I do want to have it as a question. It is just setting out two options. Questions in query letters are a no-no.
I think I had better post more of this, although it would belong in another section for a query critique. I did try this but had zero response. The problem with hiding is they never stop looking for you. Danny feels safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He just wants to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid, now and then. But a captivating girl, a lost memory card and a Facebook post, collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother and leave the girl in the firing line — or take the perilous option — head down to London and end this thing. Initially he chooses the first, but that means abandoning the girl, Megan. Somehow he just can’t do that. He returns to get her, but finds two of Teller’s henchmen already there. Danny and Megan consigne them both to the bottom of the Irish Sea, now there’s no turning back. They head down to London to deal with Ralph Teller and his remaining brother, Micky, Megan’s ex. Moonbeam, an adult crime novel, is complete at 56,000 words. It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, and maybe even make a profit.
(Should he?) (Would I/) keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother, and leave the girl in the firing line? Or — or the perilous option — head down to London and end this thing? Note the need to define, in some way, who's asking the question. Otherwise, the reader might infer "Would/should you" and that it's a question that she or he might be called upon to answer, and not the person running. Note also the comma after "brother." Finally, I think that the second sentence is a good place to use the em dash, which is its purpose in life.
When you're discussing alternatives, I would think that the question is implied about which alternative should be taken. Is that just me?
I think in the context you describe it's a question, but the way the query letter is currently planned (you have to ask the OP though) it's stated more like 'He has two options: option one, the safe one or option two, the dangerous one'. That's my recollection from the other thread.
Slight variation on your option #1: Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother, [<this is where the comma belongs] and leave the girl in the firing line, or take the perilous option of heading down to London to end this thing.
I may be way off base here with what you are trying to accomplish, but here is how I would edit it: He needs to choose: keep running from the vengeful gangster Ralph Teller — who blames him for the death of his brother — and leave the girl in the firing line; or, take the perilous option and head down to London to end this thing. The part that I read as an “aside” here is the part about blame for the death of the brother, so to me it makes sense to use dashes there. I think you could also get away with commas there if you prefer because the semi-colon “outranks” the other commas that come before it. I know you didn’t ask about anything else but I’d also suggest that if nothing else, you might want to review where the commas are placed.
I found the passage to be overwhelmingly clunky and confusing. I would consider a revision for clarity, mainly by flipping the "ing" from run to leave, which would open the sentence from a firmer position. Something like: "Run from a vengeful gangster who blames him for the death of his brother, leaving the girl in the firing line, or head down to London and end this thing." I'm not too crazy about that either. I just think the sentence has too much going on an informational level.
This query letter business seems to force one into sheohorning to much information into single sentence.
