My current endeavor has some language issues and am looking for an opinion/ opinions Story line Brothers, orphaned in their teens, they make a pact to become commandos, one joins the Royal Marines the younger is denied entry so enlists in the French Foreign Legion. The older brother a sergeant RM is working in Brazil. the lead character is the legionnaire it is a murder action novel set in Brazil enough of the back drop this is my issue the location and majority of characters are Brazilian and therefore Portuguese speaking. the main character is English but uses military French, that is his personality and a large part of his character when using either Portuguese or French would the translation into English be in brackets or italics, would you bother with a translation or just provide a glossary of terms, place names are fairly self explanatory it is things like profanity and dialogue. for example referring to someone as a complete wanker is easily understood the French would be branleur example: "Paulo has killed him it was an accident "branleur" he muttered knowing what this meant going forward. (wanker) "Paulo has killed him it was an accident "branleur"* he muttered knowing what this meant going forward. (*glossary) "Paulo has killed him it was an accident "branleur" he muttered knowing what this meant going forward. The same applies to some of the Portuguese dialogue frustrated
Personally, I would be a bit put off by having the English translation in brackets. It breaks up the flow. A glossary wouldn't be as bad but I don't think even that's necessary...you should be able to give readers a sense of what is being said by context. In the above example, for instance, I don't know what emotion the speaker is putting into branleur but here are a couple of hypotheticals: "Paulo has killed him. It was an accident." "Branleur," he muttered with a slight smirk. That scamp Paulo was always getting up to hijinks. "Paulo has killed him. It was an accident." "Bran-LEUR," he muttered, spitting out the second syllable, his anger at Paulo ballooning quickly. This is assuming of course that you don't want to break up the flow. Maybe you're going for a choppy, over-explanatory style, to make it read like an affidavit or something. Anyway just my $0.02.
I would not include a translation for an occasional, single word. I would put it in italics -- as I did recently in referencing a Middle Eastern (I think) word for a bribe: "baksheesh." If you are going to be putting entire sentences -- or paragraphs -- in French or Portuguese, then you'll have to come up with a mechanism for including a translation. For that, I might put the spoken words in quotation marks, as usual, and follow with the English translation in italics. e.g. Reggie spat out an oath. "C'est vraiment parti en vrille rapidement. Quel désastre!" This really went to hell quickly. What a disaster! If I may be permitted to offer a broader comment: You have the younger brother (English) in the French Foreign Legion -- that's unusual enough IMHO to engender some skepticism. But you have the older brother, who is a British Royal Marine, speaking French while on deployment to ... Brazil? It all strikes me (without having read the backstory) as being exceedingly unlikely. I can't imagine a Royal Marine using French, even for isolated terms or words, and I can't imagine any conceivable reason why a Royal Marine would be deployed to Brazil.
To clarify the RM is English and working in Brazil Post discharge his younger brother not able to enlist RM joins the FFL hence french spoken by younger brother while investigating death murder of the older brother. I wanted a different type of lead character not SAS delta SEALS with super human capabilities and a box of guns I the back of a wardrobe Want more intelligent network hence FFL
Well, this is certainly not what I understood from your opening post. So the older brother was not a Royal Marine, he was a veteran OF the Royal Marines. And he isn't working in Brazil, because he is dead. He "was" working in Brazil. Why would the French Foreign Legion be investigating a death, even a possible murder, in Brazil? AFAIK the Foreign Legion has no presence in Brazil, and they certainly have no authority in Brazil. What makes you think a Foreign Legionnaire would be more intelligent that a S.E.A.L. or Delta Force "operator"?
It's a novel, they are brothers there is a much bigger back story. Was looking for an opinion on the language questions not a critique on the plot
1) Just use the foreign expression without explanation and let the reader look it up. 2) Write the expression in English to begin with. 3) Substitute some version of: He swore in vicious French or He spat out an obscene French term.
Indervidual words, even short sentences, should be fairly obvious from context. I have never had a problem in the past working out if I am reading a place name, curseword or something else. For longer stretches though I would prefer some translation in italics, brackets would break the flow I think. Maybe even a footnote. I read a book recently with three or four sentences together and I had no way of guessing what was being said. When I am reading for pleasure I don't want to be thrown out of the plot to the extent that I have to pick up a phone and Google translate. I guess some people don't like footnotes, but I always feel I am getting some bonus information.
I have just posted for a critique "Fidelity and Retribution" opinions on the use of language and how it is written would be appreciated
