1. Maru Taka

    Maru Taka New Member

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    Short monologue as setting

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by Maru Taka, Jul 27, 2021.

    Hi, I am planning to create an animated short and am writing a script for it.
    I am wanting to have this scene where one of the main characters is having a monologue, and as such explaining the situation to the viewer in the process. (Kind of a "pope-in-the-pool" situation from Safe The Cat).

    The story is about a sci-fi space exploration team, where we just witnessed the awakening of the 3 main characters from hibernation.

    -----
    Fade

    A white room with a large white round table in the center, surrounding by single legged white stools.
    On two adjacent stools Ilena and Tom have taken place. With their elbows resting on the table, and their hands around a cup in front of them. Focused on Cmdr Angela, standing opposite to them at the table, and the screen behind her.
    While facing the two Cmdr Angela is making gestures with her right hand towards the screen behind her.

    Cmdr Angela: "We are in sector 3. The Dorothy system.
    The ship's scanners have detected an unknown life-form on the nearby planet.
    We have been awakened to land on the planet and further investigate the life-form.
    Ilena, prepare shuttle ALPHA!
    Tom, you take care of the science equipment!
    I will stay onboard SETI-1, and monitor the mission from here.
    Questions anyone?"


    Cut

    Outside view of the spaceship.
    The ship fills most of the view, with space and distant stars visible in the top right corner of the view.
    More empty space and stars get into view while the camera is backing up.
    A shuttle, departing from the large ship, moves towards the camera.

    Cut

    View of the nearby planet. The shuttle comes into view from left-side, moving away from camera entering the planet's atmosphere.

    Cut

    Inside view of the shuttle's cockpit.
    Camera looks at both crew members, as seen from the dashboard of the shuttle.

    Ilena, at the commands, is struggling to keep the shuttle in a stable trajectory due to turbulence.
    Tom tapping on a device in front of him, then moving his hand towards his ear.
    Tom, still looking in front of him: "I have lost communication with SETI-1".
    Ilena turns her head towards Tom and exclaims surpised: "What?"
    Tom: "Too much turbulence! We have lost communication."

    -----

    I am wondering if the monologue by Cmdr Angela is sufficient to connect the scene where we witness awakening from hibernation and the shuttle action-scene. I would prefer to avoid having to show anything related to preparing and boarding the shuttle in the final animation.
     
  2. MetalGrave

    MetalGrave Member

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    First, why is Cmdr. Angela yelling?

    The dialogue by her makes her and the scene robotic rather than natural. Add a little back and further between the rest of your characters.
     
  3. Maru Taka

    Maru Taka New Member

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    Why is she yelling?
    THERE STILL IS SOME HIBERNATION FLUID IN HER EARS. THAT'S WHY! ... just kidding.

    Sorry, I didn't realize I had made her yell.
    I had put the part I wanted to see discussed in bold. As for the names of the ships in capital, that's just bad habit of mine.
    I haven't made up my mind yet what the tone should be of briefing the crew. As such I hadn't writing any setting describing her tone or voice.
    Trust me, if she would have been yelling it would be described as such.

    I would want to avoid having interaction with the rest of the characters.
    The whole story will probably be an animation less than 5 minutes long (hopefully about 3 minutes).
    This monologue shot is meant as a transition between the awaking and the exploration scenes, and need to be as short as possible.
    The main interaction between the characters happens in the next scene.

    Say I add some minor interaction, like follows:

    Cut

    Cmdr Angela: "We are in sector 3. The Dorothy system.
    The ship's scanners have detected an unknown life-form on the nearby planet.
    We have been awakened to land on the planet and further investigate the life-form."

    She taps on the screen behind her, some analysis report is listed on screen.

    Cmdr Angela: "Ilena, the analysis report of the atmosphere shows signs of heavy turbulence.
    Prepare shuttle alpha, and make sure to adjust the dampeners."

    Ilena: "Will do!"

    Cmdr Angela then turns to Tom.
    Cmdr Angela: "Tom, you take care of the science equipment!"

    Tom brings his left hand with extended index- and middle finger towards the left side of his forehead. And with a quick forward movement of the hand acknowledges.
    Tom: "I am on it!"

    Cmdr Angela: "I will stay onboard seti-1, and monitor the mission from here. Questions anyone?"

    Cut
     
  4. MetalGrave

    MetalGrave Member

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    That flows better. Reads like they live in world you made.

    I should have clarified more.

    The exclamation points when Angela told them their duties. Is what made it what made it like her yelling at school kids.
     
  5. Maru Taka

    Maru Taka New Member

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    Oh, the exclamation points.
    Didn't expect those to have said impact.
    These were meant to indicate a direct order. To distinguish from a more casual communication which would happen between peers.

    In my update I have now used exclamation points for the reply of the other crew members as well, since they're responding to a higher ranked officer.
    This again to indicate it's a formal reply, and not some casual small-talk.

    As I am not sure yet how I want the tone set during briefing, I am wondering if I am not overusing the exclamation points.
    It might fit if it's a military mission. Not sure whether I would want to emphasize a strict military hierarchy here, as there is just 3 crew members.
    Obviously Angela is in command, but maybe I should just get rid of the "Cmdr" and the whole hierarchy ... and said exclamation points.

    I sure don't want to make it sound as if a school teacher is command, bossing around a bunch of school kids.

    Thanks for pointing it out.
     
  6. MetalGrave

    MetalGrave Member

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    You don't have to change it completely. There are military commanders that give orders just like that and demand strict discipline. While others will give a short brief statement without raising their voice. Without the full context I thought it was a civilian mission i.e. nasa
     
  7. Maru Taka

    Maru Taka New Member

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    While NASA is responsible for civilian space program, there still seems to be some kind of military hierarchy.
    At least, that is how I perceived it in the past, being that originally astronauts had military background (maybe still the case today), and still were referred by their military rank.
    I didn't do some detailed research on this, as the story is set in an undefined world, and undefined time.

    Not sure if I will keep the person in command being referred to as "Cmdr Angela". But then again, even on civilian boots the person in command is called "Captain".
    Depending how the story will evolve I will adjust tone, mood, and use of hierarchy in the briefing scene as required.

    Now back to the main purpose of this topic: is the briefing scene enough of a setting for the subsequent scenes in the original post?
    Without the briefing scene I feel the audience is clueless about what the next scenes are telling.
    But, being biased, I cannot tell if the briefing scene actually does provide for an adequate setting of the subsequent outerspace scenes.
     
  8. MetalGrave

    MetalGrave Member

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    It sets it up perfectly. If you don't want the dialogue you could just do a silent scene of Angela giving orders. Or if you don't want to animate that, have Angela be a voice over when they are in the shuttle. With Ilena and Tom answering in unison.
     

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