This is about a short paragraph. The first version was this. 1) Danny and Megan dispose of the bodies and are now complicit in murder. As they watch the them slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph. But I felt this had too many theys and thems, and just did not read well. So I changed it to this. 2) Watching the trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and that if Ralph is not ‘dealt’ with soon, they could face a similar fate. I was then told that this was too passive and it was suggested I do this. 3) The trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph. Danny and Megan are now complicit in murder. Danny must deal with Ralph soon, or he and Megan could face a similar fate. Which I find to be clumsy and without flow, Yes it gets the info across but that is about all it does. I could use a couple of views on this. As it stands I much prefer 2, even if it is passive voice.
You could conveying the position and goal in conversation. Something like this perhaps: Danny and Megan slipped the trussed bodies into the sea. After the last bubbles were gone, Megan turned to Danny and noted “We’re part of murder now. What are we going to do?” Danny replied slowly “I have to do something about Ralph. He’s the key. “
Is this for the actual novel, or for a detailed synopsis? I'd say #3 is OK for a synopsis, but is too telling for the actual novel. The last two sentences are straight telling. My feeling is that one sentence is OK (as in the other examples), but two back to back stand out, even if the difference between the examples is subtle. I like the other two better because it's clear that AS they watch the bodies sink, they realize they've raised the stakes. So they are a little more show-y than #3. Personally, I'd probably do like you did and alter #1 to decrease the number of 'theys' but I'll hold off on my suggestion for now. I'm certainly not an expert, but I wouldn't say having some passiveness in this particular paragraph is bad. They are sort of in a fight or flight situation.
I don't think that the number of theys and thems is a proplem. However, the people referred to by they and them keeps switching between Danny and Megan and the bodies. So I think you're right to avoid this. Most of this is in the active voice. A small change will put it all in the active voice: Watching the trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and that if they don't 'deal' with Ralph is not ‘dealt’ with soon, they could face a similar fate. I think it's OK, but it's repetitive, with all three sentences in the form "subject - verb - other stuff". I'd go for a variation of (2) myself, losing a few words to simplify it and getting rid of "could" to make the threat at the end more visceral: Watching the trussed bodies slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, it dawns on Danny that he and Megan are now complicit in murder. If they don't deal with Ralph soon, they face a similar fate.
Such excellent help with this. I have moved it on a bit. I am going to show the para in context this time. I am not seeking feedback on the query as a whole, although opinions are always welcome. I am keen to hit any punctation issues. Dear.. In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller with series potential, complete at 78,800 words. The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open. Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers, and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. Watching the bodies they’d trussed slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, Danny is acutely aware that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph soon, they face a similar fate. MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy, bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival. Moonbeam will appeal to fans of Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, and the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans. Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing. Thank you for your consideration. Francis de Aguilar
I'm afraid I can't tell you anything about query letters specifically as I have no experience with them, but 2 definitely read the best to me as well (including with the edits). I also just wanted to say that I really like your turn of phrase about the bubbles as an epitaph.
