1. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    a seat on the plane near the engine

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Sep 18, 2021.

    I want to say a person sat on a seat near the plane's engine. I also want to say they could hear the sound during the flight.

    Is this correct and natural?

    Jane stepped onto the plane, her eyes flicking from the boarding card to the seats on the plane. After passing more than half the seats, she found hers. It was an engine seat [I know this has to be changed]. She hated seats near to the plane's engine, especially on long flights. Whatever, she thoughts, her mind a jumbled mess. The seat would be the last inconvenience before she would leave that awful city for good. The engine wasn't as annoying as she thought it would be. Its steady drone/hum lulled her to sleep.
     
  2. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    It does sound a little unnatural to me, partly because you keep using the same words over and over, like seats and engine. I would try to minimize that. Maybe something like this (and Ill suggest a change to the phrase you said needs changing). Sorry if I change the tone a bit too much, this is the way I would edit it if I had written it myself:

    As Jane stepped onto the plane [distracting rhyme] into the cool air conditioning of the plane's interior she suddenly had a terrible thought. Would her seat be right next to the wing again? Remembering the diagram she had seen, it seemed likely.

    She remembered the last time that had happened, on the flight to Rome--20 hours spent too close to the roaring engine. She hated being able to see it, to hear it. Even seeing the wing itself filled her with dread--those tiny little flaps that looked so weak and fragile. They seemed like they could break so easily in the turbulence, all that massive pressure of the upper atmosphere. And it made her think also about the engine, how fallible machines are. They can suddenly stop working at any moment. And this isn't like your car being stranded on the side of the road where a tow truck can pick it up-- if the engines on an airplane stop working it goes down!

    She knew it was all irrational. Thousands of planes land safely every year, accidents are actually very uncommon. And yet irrational fears grip her at certain times, while flying being one of them. Especially if she can see the wing or the engine.

    Lol sorry, I didn't intend to change it that much! But I felt like it needed some developing, the paragraph seemed to me to be trying to do too much too fast and needed some expanding in order to relax it and spread the info out a bit. And honestly I feel like my edit needs an edit. Especially the last 2 sentences.

    I also feel like you should start a new paragraph for The engine wasn't as annoying as she thought it would be. Its steady drone/hum lulled her to sleep. It isn't really part of the previous thought, and it happens much later, long after the plane has already taken off. If that much time goes by I'd start a new paragraph.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2021
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  3. Bruce Johnson

    Bruce Johnson Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    What type of plane and when does this take place? If it's a modern jet, my experience is that it doesn't make much difference where you sit as far as sound goes. I don't do a ton of flying though.
     
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  4. montecarlo

    montecarlo Contributor Contributor

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    It’s be just before or after the overwing exit row. It could be the overwing exit row but people usually love those for the extra leg room
     
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  5. montecarlo

    montecarlo Contributor Contributor

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    The most inconvenient would be in the back near the lavatory, where you have to wait forever to get off and you get urinal mint smells every time someone opens the lavatory door
     
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  6. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    @Bruce Johnson & @montecarlo he's learning English as a second language and he's looking for help with his writing. He's specifically wondering how to change his paragraph to make it flow better and sound more natural (assuming I understand correctly, and I think I do).
     
  7. montecarlo

    montecarlo Contributor Contributor

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    I get that. The seats near the engine are most often referred to as exit row seats, so referring to those would help orient the reader, so that helps with the English bit. The other comment was an alternative for inconvenience if he wants to consider that. Not sure what the issue is?
     
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  8. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    Well, I don't think he was asking about the layout of a plane, but for help with his sentences. Just wasn't sure if you guys understood that.
     
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  9. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    Oh ok, I see what you mean @montecarlo . You were giving some very indirect help with terminology. Sorry, I didn't get that.
     
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  10. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

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    For a start, cut out ALL uses of the word plane except one. You've told us she's on a plane. You don't need to repeat that twice every sentence.

    And for the same reason, you can cut out most uses of the word "seat". She can pass "halfway down the cabin". And don't say "she hated seats near the plane's engine(s)". Just say she hated being near the engines.

    And I don't know how much you've flown, but trust me, no engine roar on a modern jet aircraft ever lulled anyone to sleep.
     
  11. Bruce Johnson

    Bruce Johnson Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    Oh, thanks. In that case, I'd say some parts sound a little unnatural because of a few words choices. Not glaringly obvious, but noticeable by most native speakers.

    Here are my thoughts:

    Jane stepped onto the plane, her eyes flicking (I think 'flicking' may not be the best verb here. Maybe 'panning'? 'Oscillating' may be too technical for most readers, but is correct but probably a bad choice) from the boarding card (boarding pass is how I've always heard it) to the seats on the plane. After passing more than half the seats, she found hers. It was an engine seat [I know this has to be changed]. She hated seats near to (remove 'to') the plane's engine, especially on long flights. Whatever, she thoughts (thought not thoughts), her mind a jumbled mess. The seat would be the last inconvenience before she would leave that awful city for good. The engine wasn't as annoying as she thought it would be. Its steady drone/hum lulled her to sleep.(The last two sentences are fine, but I'd maybe write it as 'After takeoff, the engines quieted a bit, as if listening to her complaints, maintaining a steady drone that lulled her to sleep.')
     
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  12. montecarlo

    montecarlo Contributor Contributor

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    @Xoic yes. The op wanted to sound natural. Sitting ‘near the engine’ doesn’t sound natural at all to me.

    “Jane squeezed into the middle seat behind the exit row, sandwiched between two plus size men. Outside the window the wing sagged under the weight of the jet engine, whose faint whirl taunted Jane, promising to make the next four hours miserable.”

    I don’t think that strikes the tone the OP is going for (they want more a balance of misery and optimism), but I do think ‘exit row’ belongs in there somewhere to be natural sitting next to the engine.

    The reason I say that is I tend to think about exit rows when choosing a seat on Southwest (open seating, first come first serve), but never about engine proximity. So just my own experience, @alpacinoutd is free to take it or leave it.


    in addition, I would consider how much you want the reader to be immersed in this scene. Too much detail can be annoying, but if this is a really key scene then some extra is warranted.

    I think the main thing wrong with this paragraph isn’t the style (though there is room for improvement), but the lack of immersive details. Some thoughts:

    • size of the passengers sitting next to her
    • Body odors
    • Coughing/sneezing
    • First class curtain, blocking them off from the plebes
    • Noise canceling headphone batteries running dead
    • Turbulence
    • Frightened seatmate gripping her hand during takeoff
    • Asshole in the exit row in front reclining his seat (may you burn in fucking hell)
    Adding all of these details would be extreme, but one or two as a last “fuck you” the city is giving Jane seems appropriate.
     
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  13. SapereAude

    SapereAude Contributor Contributor

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    Aside from the actual writing, I have to point out that the details are wrong. In most modern jets, by the time you pass half the seats your are typically beyond the wings.

    https://www.seatguru.com/airlines/American_Airlines/American_Airlines_Boeing_737-800_V2.php

    https://www.seatguru.com/airlines/American_Airlines/American_Airlines_Boeing_777-200ER_E.php

    https://www.delta.com/us/en/aircraft/airbus/a320

    I'm only 77 years old, and I don't fly as much as I used to when I traveled for business, but I have never heard anyone refer to an "engine seat." They are usually referred to as "wing seats," they aren't any noisier than the rows behind the wing and many of the rows forward of the wing ... and the over-wing seats are also typically the safest seats in an aircraft.

    Possible revision:

    Jane stepped onto the plane, her eyes flicking from the boarding card to the seats on the plane. After passing more than half the seats, she found hers. It was behind the wings, which she generally disliked. She hated the roar of the engines, especially on long flights. Whatever, she thoughts, her mind a jumbled mess. The seat would be the last inconvenience before she would leave that awful city for good. In the end, the engine noise wasn't as annoying as she expected it would be. Its steady drone/hum lulled her to sleep.​
     
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  14. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    can i just gently point out that if you want critique on a piece of writing the place to put it is the workshop, not word mechanics
     
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