The Not Happy Thread

I got in a fight last night with my older brother and it turned really ugly, blood everywhere. Too much alcohol = recipe for disaster

 

I'm getting tired, have about 14 pages to write still and I don't get to sleep next to the person I have been for the last four months. Long 36 hours ahead of me.

 

Oh, university. How you manage to do the utterly ridiculous on a regular basis.

I have an exam on Friday. RODOC (Resolution Of Disputes Out Of Court). Multiple choice and short answer questions. Because apparently that's the perfect way to examine a skills-based subject that every barrister will need in practice, but hey ho. That's the lunacy of the BSB.

Now for the lunacy of uni. First of all, they haven't actually taught the module - and have instead taught a skills-based module which means I'm perfectly equipped to negotiate and mediate. Then they've told everyone to go off and read their textbooks for revision for the exam. All very well and good when all the BPTC students are provided with textbooks by the uni, but there's a problem. Despite doing the same modules, I'm not a BPTC student (LLB Bar Exempting instead), and therefore the university doesn't provide me with textbooks for free. Neither does it stock the required reading in the university bookshop because it told the university bookshop that no one required it this year as it was the end of the LLB Bar Exempting degree! So 13 Bar Exempters have 4 textbooks to work from in the practice library.

I managed to get hold of my own copy (£50!) and read it. Then attempt the mock. Managed to scrape 50%, which is the pass mark. It would have been more, but one of the questions set wasn't covered by the set text, one relating to building disputes. It really does beggar belief how utterly incompetent this university it. Don't teach us, don't supply us, ignore us, then give us impossible exams and make it our fault when we can't pass.

And why do I have to do RODOC when I'm on the BVC and not the BPTC? I should be examined on my negotiation skills - in other words, something I need should I want to go into practice.

 

Got the worst mark I've ever gotten for an essay :S
Admittedly, I knew it was bad even when I was writing it, and the lecturer said she was extra hard on me because of my usual standard, but it still sucks that I basically can't get an A for that paper anymore. I'd say this was motivational and I'll try harder next time, but hoenstly, I'm just burnt out. Can't wait for this semester to end so I can get my degree and move on to something more interesting.

 

I'm in such a "meh" mood lately. I'm actively shying away from my friends when they invite me to just go and lounge with them. It's like I don't know them anymore, and I almost don't want to know them. I haven't seen anyone in ages and I don't understand why I'm being so reclusive. I guess I just feel miserable and I don't have the energy to put on an act for them.

In general I feel really down in myself. I wish these moods wouldn't wash over me. I've no idea why they do. The worst part is that I know I'll never, ever be able to get on in life if I keep doing this. I've already lost out on so much because of my confidence issues and I don't want it to take over and stop me from living a full, happy life. Sadly I can't see a future - all I see is slumping on the sofa, watching daytime TV whislt everyone else developes into accomplished adults. I just don't know how I can change this. I know it starts with me, but frankly, I'm hopeless.

I can't perform in class, work, with friends or family either as it turns out. The other night I had an anxiety thing in front of my parents, all because they muted the TV to hear a story I had to tell about uni. I went bright red, numb, forgot what I was saying - and I had to go away and cry about it. What the f-ck is wrong with me?

 

Current Kiwi time c. 2am. Take it easy, my good man.

Are you due to graduate this year, Ash? Perhaps you're starting to feel unsettled by you, know, the future?

Anyhoo, you're intelligent and personable and attractive - and I'm a professor of human attractiveness so this is no trifling judgement - so I will say that I have no doubt you will meet with considerable success in life.

When things have looked like going off the rails in my life I've always managed to restore equilibrium by attending to my physical health - sleep, diet, exercise. Can do wonders. Take good care.

 

Watch this and listen to what he says.

 

I really, really hate insomnia.

 

Hospital appointment tomorrow, last one for my foot recovery but I have to have blood tests to see if I'm anaemic or if I have an underactive thyroid because I keep getting dizzy and I need 10+hours sleep a night which still isn't enough. I really REALLY hate hospitals and needles and blood so this will be really un-fun (I know that's not a word).

 

@ dizzy: I'm sorry, I really empathize. Is something making it worse these days, or is it always bad? I read the other day that you shouldn't look at a computer screen for an hour or so before trying to sleep because looking at the bright light does something to convince the brain it's daytime. I try not to write late if I need a good night's sleep because it's like exercising, it makes me hyper.

@ arron: It's mean but it's true, I've heard teachers remark 'it's nothing compared to what s/he can do, we don't want to let them think they can get away with it just because they're good...' BUT I know also that when a really good student is only average sometimes teachers want to mark them up slightly thinking 'Oh, s/he must have been ill that day'. You win some, you lose some. Too bad all the same, I feel for you.

@ nightshade: hope the tests go okay

I'm pleased I've been assessed slightly higher than the general average by the students, but I'm really fed up and sad that two good friends have been told their contracts aren't going to be renewed in September--after nearly 10 years. I guess it's not just the students that are looking forward to the summer--although we have summer school for the flunkers so we don't get more than one month off.

 

I'm sorry that All it seems as here lately is me Writing something sad, or talking about life and it's downs, It's just the only thing I can think of, I've had an awful day today, Ya know what they say, When it rains it pours, well that is the truth..

 

When am I going to man up and just bite the bullet and tell the girl how I feel? Spent about an hour and a half on Skype just now talking to her and all it's done is remind me of exactly how I feel. I'll be seeing her in person on Thurs and part of me thinks there's nothing to lose and I should just tell her. Not like I'll see her much any more after we leave uni.

 

Go for it, Dante. I wish you the best of luck.

As for me: Panic attack. Need I say more?

 

dizzyspell: I hope you're able to sleep soon, and insomnia isn't a regular thing for you.

Nightshade: I hope the appointment goes okay.

madhoca: That sucks about your two work friends having to leave, especially since they've been there ten years.

Jayyy1014: Hope things get better for you soon. Try and do something you enjoy to maybe cheer you up.

Dante Dases: Go for it, and tell her. A lot easier said than done, but you could tell her in a letter you give her at the end of seeing her on Thursday, or something like that, if you're scared about doing it face to face (I wouldn't blame you). Good luck.

emily...: Sorry you had a panic attack. Hope things are okay.

 

I played bass in this band in college that I loved. We were very serious; we even won two awards in this magazine called "Downbeat". I gave everything to this band, my whole heart and soul, and then was mercilessly kicked out nearly 6 months ago. Probably for the best, since the band leader was putting intense pressure on me to never make any mistakes - in performances or in general. I once showed up barely over 5 minutes late for an informal meeting at the start of our 2010 summer tour and then this band leader berated me for 15 minutes. In his hypocrisy, he then woke up the next day when we had to get on the road, and instead of getting ready did yoga for 10 minutes. This is only one example of many more complicated instances where he was late... one time he was 2 hours late. That one's a long story, but he of course was "not at fault."

When he finally kicked me out of the band, I realized he had been setting me up for failure.... for over 2 years. He knew if he added more pressure I would fall under it and make more mistakes. I think it was when I criticized him we recorded our album: He wrote an entire verse of a song literally minutes before he had to record it (out in the parking lot while the others were recording their parts), and he had been sitting on that verse for months. I said that was unprofessional, that the verse should have been completed weeks ago, and that turned into a big argument. I think it was then he decided he didn't want me in the band anymore, probably because he didn't want anyone to question anything he did. I felt betrayed; I considered him one of my best friends, and he was planning my dismissal from the band for over 2 years without telling me anything.

Anyway, after 6 months of not hearing from him, he called me for a gig in Texas. It's next week, and I know he's tried every other bass player he can find and none of them want to do it. So, I'm his last option. Gee, thanks for the consideration. The pay is terrible; if I agreed to what he said I would end up spending over $200 for food and gas. I told him "No thank you, I don't really need this gig." I feel like it was a huge triumph. I don't need him, or the band anymore. I had my fun, and I'm on to bigger and better things.

Dante: Do it. Why not, right?

Emily: I have those every once in a while. Very scary.

Night: Best of luck!

Dizzy: Me too. That's why I'm here right now.

 

Yes, you should tell her. I know that's easy to say when I'm not the one having to tell, but believe me, if you really want it, it'll be alright- like you said, you've got nothing to lose. Go for it, man.

 

You should tell her for sure. Think about it, if you tell her and she turns you down it'll hurt but you will move on. If you tell her and she doesn't turn you down then you've got a girlfriend! If you don't tell her then you'll always wonder 'what would she have said?' and you'll always regret what might have been.

And thank you for the support everyone waiting on the blood tests but the foot is completely healed!

 

funkybassmannick: Good on you for turning him down.

As for me, I wish phone calls didn't freak me out as much. I just got called from a number I didn't recognise (turned out to be from a place I wanted to volunteer at), twice actually, and I just put it under my pillow to stop it from ringing loudly. Darn it, I need to get a grip and realise there's nothing wrong with talking on the phone.

 

I received a phone call tonight saying my moms condition has deteriorated again, except this time at a rather alarming rate. Doesn't matter how much you prepare yourself for this kind of thing, when it rears its ugly head, it literally cripples you, faster and harder than you thought possible.

 

I'm really sorry, Tor. I hope everything's going to be okay. That's definitely a rough thing to go through -- my uncle Steve was in the hospital for months because his cancer came back a 4th time and he had a stomach ulcer that was causing him pain. He recently moved to his own apartment, so thankfully he's doing better, but I know that feeling of anxiety. I'm sorry.


I'm kinda nervous for my job interview tonight. It's a group interview, so hopefully that'll take the edge off and allow me to shine. I really hope I get this job.

 

Holy Golly Good Luck, I hate job interviews, especially group ones, I get all nervous and I am always afraid I am going to make an arse out of myself (which in reality I am quite good at!)

 

I'm sorry, Tor. I don't think there is anything else to say except that; nothing can really comfort a person during these times. But I hear you, and I am sorry that you and your family are hurting, and that your mother is suffering.

 

I think I did pretty well, but I guess we'll see.

 

I'm like this I can't phone companies up for anything. I go through stages of convincing myself I'm confident enough, and then other times I just can't go through with it. Weird.

 

Well i'm feeling awful. My so called friend is gonna steal a girl I like and my attempts at making conversation with her are going terribly.