Hello everyone, I have always thought about describing a tango or an ice dance in a poetic fashion. Think of something like this: Or this passionate tango: I came up with some stuff off the cuff: The enthralled crowd springs to life as the dancers swirl and twirl and intertwine. At points, they resemble clouds floating in the sky, and in no time they become a volcano erupting into the heavens. Both of them are completely immersed in one another as their legs move between one another's legs. Their dance is vigorous, but full of subtlety. They give you an enchanting illusion of spontaneity, but every move is calculated. It is hard not to marvel at this sinuous eroticism. So, what do you think? Is it something that I can sink my teeth into and develop into something worth its while, so to speak? I mean am I on the right track? What are your ideas? How would you go about doing this? I specially don't know what to say about the woman's hair. There is plenty to work with there.
Dance is, in my opinion the hardest thing to transfer into the written word. I would keep brainstorming this getting to the core of what you want to say, how you want to say it and what tone you want to take. Having read your paragraph I feel like you have some good ideas going but there's too many metaphors, and the event is summed up rather than allowed for a character to experience what he or she is feeling which stifles the poetry of the moment. I would take it from the angle of the viewer - the character and filter it through his eyes and what he is getting out of the viewing of the dance. I'd also read some poetry to reestablish how they manage the lyricism of prose, re-watch the video and keep brainstorming -- jotting anything that comes to mind until I could establish the tone I want for the paragraph. Poetry to me is very clean and bold. Strong verbs, concrete nouns, an emphasis on choosing words to create rhythm. take this sentence - both of them sounds a bit redundant, completely immersed - completely as it stands washes out the romanticism because it insists, as their legs move between one another's legs - is overly complicated. Exact action is not going to be as powerful as impression. Why do we find this dance sensual, powerful? Tap into those ideas.
I love dancing, I love having dance scenes in my writing, but they are one of the most difficult things for me to write, because I just can't wrap my head around how to describe it in a way that doesn't feel awkward. I think you did a really good job there, describing the movement, but not in a painstakingly awkward way. I honestly don't have much else to offer, I really just want to see some of the other advice you'll (hopefully) get.
I think that's an excellent written description of a tango (or similar Latin American dance ...I'm not all that conversant with the different dances, but I love watching.) The legs moving between one another's legs pretty much tells us it's that kind of a dance. Disciplined, but emotionally charged. They make it look easy, don't they? I'm also struck, when watching these dances, that the dancers often seem to be moving in opposite directions that mirror each other's movements. Head positions are often like that. I think you've done a really good job here. I would re-think the 'and in no time they become a volcano,' though. It's the 'and in no time' that seems vague and reads awkwardly. (The volcano image is perfect, though ...just maybe a smoother, more focused way to introduce the concept?)
For Franco it was a most tedious chore glued to this heterosexual child. Again, the drill, the delirium, the: 'Four four, two, two, one. Spin spin, hop and a two three four, skip!' His pirouette was pin-point, and perfect. He landed upon the ice, then tossed Ivanaka...somewhere....wishing she would stay there forever. Overhead, sat in the high stand, Maya gripped her knitting ever closer to her chest. Such passion, such eroticism on display, the interpretation of these divine creatures sent flutters to her socks...as if love might ever be made on ice..WIP 'Yes, yes, yes,' she said to her knitting.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. So, maybe instead of "in no time" , I can say "in a heartbeat"? What is your suggestion?
In my opinion that's a bit of a cliché. Maybe wait a bit, till just the right phrase comes to mind. Something more exact? It will. Could be as simple as just 'then'...then they become a volcano erupting....
Ha... from the locker.. Her movement in time portrays her unheard words; she’s dancing now, flexing elegantly beyond the range of mortals. Her limbs and torso the boughs and trunk of elastic trees, in a gathering windstorm on a tremulous land. A flaunt of femininity which I’m sure she’s practised many times alone to perfect her allure. And it works. The tune that graces the decks, the amp, those speakers and this environ is ‘Strict Machine’—it chimes the bells of that which is primal. She twists, she shimmies, she sways: a mime to the lyrics who steals and surpasses all previous transfixion.
Wowwwwww!! You just made my day, but if you feel like it, dissect this part which I'm not sure I entirely get: The tune that graces the decks, the amp, those speakers and this environ is ‘Strict Machine’—it chimes the bells of that which is primal.
Early 2000s nightclub @alpacinoutd, record decks, analog amplifier, and a dance floor. Song was Goldfrapp’s... if listened to you’ll feel the peeling of your primal bells. T‘was a blog post that, er, looking back upon, I want to strikethru parts of now and fix the grammar.
I'm not sure I understand but thanks anyway. On a different note, you merely focused on the lady. How would you describe the way the lady and the man interact and move and embrace?
I don;t think this is very good but I'll have a go: They danced together like too girafes eating berrys from the twigs of a sickamore tree. He hated her, the smell of sweat from her pits but they're dance partnership was the key to his fortune.
The moment they stepped onto the floor, they became one. the pulse of the music became the beat of their hearts, their breathing the exclamation of the notes. Up and down the floor they moved and swayed, teased and tangled, strutted and enticed, communicating intimately on a primal level shared between only them. The voyeuristic gazes of the audience drove them on, feeding the heat with illicit fervor. Their bodies became one, the ache of seperating as the dance progressed driving them to return to each others embrace with painful longing. Here, they were truely together.
Guys, what is a dramatic verb I can use to describe how their legs move swiftly between each other's legs? I already used move but I want to use something more colorful! His leg...in and out between her thigh. Is "thigh" appropriate here?
Since I'm not a native speaker, I'm here to learn from the pros who happen to be native speakers. Sometimes I really struggle to find the right word, and I search the Internet high and low, but it is not to be found. That is really frustrating and encumbers my writing. So, I come here to get suggestions. It took perseverance and dedication to master English as a second language, but when it comes writing, it's a whole new level. I will give it my all to learn beautiful descriptive language.
I'm sorry for sounding so harsh. As someone who can't speak a work of another language I feel somewhat humbled. But there has to come a point where you just get on and write it. Wouldn't it be better to get the whole thing written to the best of your ability, and then run it through a trusted and native proof reader, rather than be stopping your flow every 500 words to come on here and clarify or ask for examples?
Yeah, methinks @alpacinoutd you've got something to offer. Get yourself critiquing a few posts in the workshop, poster avail thyself. It will advance you/and who you respond to no matter what level you critique at. And... folks here, I think'll be more trusting/endeared/likely to assist a profile that's not so anonymous (psst fill it in a bit). Always reticent me, with profiles that look temporary, feel my efforts might go unread.
You can be 111% sure that every word you post here will be paid scrupulous and meticulous attention to. I have been looking for a forum like this for a while and I'm here to stay! I truly appreciate even the smallest of contributions to my threads. Rest assured they will not be in vain.
You should pare this down to a nice little clear statement and put it in your signature so everybody can see it. Either that or you'd need to past this same message in several times on every page.
