1. Elizrey

    Elizrey New Member

    Oct 20, 2006
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    Southern United States

    A New Beginning

    Discussion in '"Consequences" Short Story Contest' started by Elizrey, Apr 30, 2008.

    John and Rosalie had been married three years. Rosalie should have listened to her friends about John; he was cheating on her and was living off her money. He was so handsome and such a charming man that she felt she had to reward him for marrying her. She wasn’t pretty and since she married him she had gained sixty pounds. He was insulting to her and finally she decided to lay down the law, she told him to get out and she was divorcing him. He was stunned and didn’t want her but she was generous with her money. What would he do, now?

    Rosalie was thankful she had the nerve to do something. That day, she had decided to cut off his credit cards, his fancy car and all the other things she gave him. He had a job selling cars but being lazy, he didn’t make many sales.

    Rosalie decided she had to do something about her weight, she decided to purchase some exercise equipment and go on a diet. Her business was doing well and she had no problems with money. Now that she had kicked John out, it would be even better and she knew she could succeed with her goal.

    Rosalie started exercising and watching her diet. She lost slowly but after a couple of months she needed new clothes. She went shopping and found it exciting to find clothes that were smaller than what she had been wearing. She still needed to loose 40 pounds but was satisfied so far with her program.

    John tried to call and come over to persuade her to take him back. Rosalie said no and changed all the locks to the house. John figured her would get half of what she was worth so it wouldn’t be a complete loss.

    Rosalie hired some help for her growing business of decorative garden items. She had a lot of different designs and did some of the designs herself. She needed some people to handle the shipments and put the decorations together. She decided to hire an accountant so she could do more designing.

    Steve Drake came well qualified for the accountant job. He was business like and didn’t seem distracted by other activities. He installed some new software on the computer that gave more options to their business.

    Rosalie kept to her routine of exercise and diet even though John still was trying to get her back. She knew she would never go back to him and ignored his attempts. Steve started noticing that Rosalie was looking very sexy and one day he asked her to lunch. She was flattered but she knew he was just being friendly.

    When Rosalie had lost 20 more pounds she was delighted. Only 20 more to go and she would be the weight she desired. John noticed she was getting thinner and better looking. He tried to sneak up and look in the window so she couldn’t see him. As he was peering in the window, a strong wind came up and knocked him over. He couldn’t figure out what happened but decided it was a freak of nature. When he got up, something pushed him down but he couldn’t see anyone. He ran off and was wondering if Rosalie had a dog or something watching the house.

    John had a bruise on his face and Rosalie asked him what happened when she met him at the lawyer’s office... He said, “I fell over when checking a car for taillights.”

    She said, “Someone was in my yard last night and left footprints. It looked like they fell over and hurt themselves.”

    “Well, it wouldn’t be me, silly.”

    “I want you to stay away from my house, John. There are some unexplained things that I have noticed around the house.”

    John sneered and said, “Like the Twilight Zone?”

    “I don’t know what it is but I feel a presence and it might be my Grandfather who died ten years ago. He swore he would protect me.”

    John laughed but he was thinking something had pushed him over and where had the gust of wind come from out of the blue.

    John decided to try again and take some pictures of Rosalie undressing. He went into the yard and up to her bedroom window. All of a sudden he was sailing through the air. He was convinced that Rosalie had a haunted yard.

    Steve was getting to like Rosalie and wanted to know her better. She told him about John being in the yard and what had happened. Steve was skeptical but believed her. They started dating a lot and then Rosalie was thinking that Steve was the man she always wanted to know better but John had turned her head with flattery.”

    John was disgusted with Rosalie, her money and her dead Grandfather. He stayed away and let the divorce go through. He was disappointed in the money settlement but he knew there was no way Rosalie would give him more.

    Steve was enchanted with Rosalie and decided to ask the big question. “Rosalie, will you marry me?”

    “Yes, Steve, I know you are my true love. We can have a spring wedding in the yard at my house.”

    On Rosalie and Steve’s wedding day, Rosalie was down to her desired weight. She looked beautiful and they had their wedding outside. All went well until a gust of wind came up and pushed Steve and Rosalie together. He stumbled and grabbed her. She said, “Now Grandfather, we don’t need any help,"

    The End
  2. tambourineman

    tambourineman New Member

    May 8, 2008
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    Birmingham U.K.
    Nice read.

  3. Amazing1

    Amazing1 New Member

    Jul 12, 2008
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    great story! :)
  4. Lucy E.

    Lucy E. Member

    May 25, 2008
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    This was more like a synopsis than a story. We didn't get to know the characters and there really wasn't a great deal of emotion here. This could br written in a novel, never mind a few paragraphs.
    I like the concept, and the dead grandfather concept, but for me this story just didn't do it. It was like reading a textbook or a brief account of someone's life. I didn't bond with or latch on to any of the characters like the reader's should in a good story, and I didn't feel any emotion whatsoever. This is much too brief and I felt as if you just skimmed over the surface.
    But as I said, I liked the concept.
  5. Kylie

    Kylie New Member

    Aug 24, 2008
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    I agree with Lucy, your story was more like an outline than a story. It was a great idea though.
    Try expanding your story. Add more feelings, dialogues, & descriptions.
    Also, you might want to go back through the story and correct some of the punctuation and grammar errors.
    Great idea and plot, now just expand it! :)
  6. yellowm&M

    yellowm&M Contributor Contributor

    Jul 17, 2008
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    between the pages of a good book
    I agree wiht Lucy and Kylie, this story is definatley a good beginning, however in a story such as this emotion should be a driving force, but the emotion just wasn't there. You should also expand on the characters a bit, as a readrer i wasn't able to feel for any of the charcters or get latched onto any particular character because there was so little about them. Try adding a bit more depth and emotion to the story and i think it will sound better.
  7. Honeybun

    Honeybun Active Member

    Sep 13, 2008
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    Your story has some catchy parts and it's good in general.
    However, I think you haven't paid attention to Rosalie very much while she spoke, for most of the time, we don't know how she felt or in what expression is she speaking. When a character is speaking, it's better to let them do something: pick up a pen, run fingers through hair, rap fingers on table, smile, grunt, anything.

    I also noticed that you started most paragraphs with 'Rosalie'

    Keep going :)

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