Hi there! I'm looking for some advice on my attempts at rewriting a novel. It's third person, past tense. Now after having a couple of friends critique, one problem that came up often is that I use the word 'as' way too much. Unfortunately in my attempt to remove 'as' from sentences I think I'm creating a new grammar problem tense wise. Here is a example- Redbeard's blue skin turned purple as he coughed. Changed to this- Redbeard's blue skin turned purple, a cough escaping his lips. Using 'ing' is for present tense as far as I understand. But I really do find the sentence to sound smoother after the change. Was looking for feedback, specifically if its recommended to make the change, keep the original sentence and just cope with too many 'as's, or if there's a better way to alter such a sentence. Please note I'm just a hobby writer so I tend to miss a lot of obvious grammar issues.
Before you go about cannibalising your efforts, are you certain you use 'as' too much? A quick search suggests one might expect to find a little over 1 'as' in every 200 words of fiction. Count 'em up!
The modified sentence is problematic. The part after the comma is structured as a modifier, but it's unclear exactly what it is modifying. The original sentence is clearer. The coughing is clearly tied to his color change.
