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  1. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    a woman wearing mascara and eye shadow

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Oct 2, 2020.

    Hello.

    I'm trying to describe a situation in which a woman is trying to get with a boy in a night club. She goes to the restroom and applies mascara and eye shadow. I want to suggest that she has "recently" applied them.

    What is the verb I can use in this sentence to fill in the blank?

    She returned from the restroom. Her dark eyes were freshly.........with an elegant eye shadow and thick mascara.

    What are other "adjectives" I could use for "mascara" and "eye shadow"?

    I would really be grateful if you also write your own version of that situation.
     
  2. montecarlo

    montecarlo Member Supporter

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    What's the POV?
     
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  3. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Third-person omniscient. Would you use different words with another point of view?
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2020
  4. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    made up i'd have said , or 'she returned with mascara freshly applied'
     
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  5. montecarlo

    montecarlo Member Supporter

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    Well I was thinking if it was from her point of view, you could drum up some drama with her applying the makeup in the bathroom. Add some sort of time pressure, she slips up, looks in her purse and can't find her makeup wipes, so has to wait for a stall to open so she can grab toilet paper... (consult a woman for accuracy on any of this!)

    If the reader gets the feeling there is enough at stake, psychologically, for her to sleep with the guy, then this can increase the intensity of the moment.

    I'm not sure if that fits in with where you are going, but it's what came to mind.

    I agree with with moose's comment above as well
     
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  6. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Very helpful. I will surely consider adding things that would make it more dramatic if I decide to go in that direction.

    What do you think about "frame" as my verb?

    She returned from the restroom. Her dark eyes were freshly framed with an elegant eye shadow
     
  7. Maggie May

    Maggie May Active Member

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    Yikes! that doesn't make sense to me. Most women would freshen their lipstick and make sure their hair was perfect, maybe splash on a little perfume but completely redo their eye shadow? Sorry just doesn't fit to me.
     
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  8. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll It's Coffee O'clock everywhere. Contributor

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    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Came back from the restroom looking like a panda, did she? :p

    I think you could tone it back by simply : She returned from the
    the restroom, her eyes noticeably accentuated/accented/complimented/etc. with makeup.

    Or

    It looked like she used a Sharpie around her eyes. :p
     
  9. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    I see. What about mascara?
     
  10. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    also a girl looking to pick up a guy in a club doesnt usually go and redo her make up... by the time she's done that his attention has wandered to the next girl
     
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  11. montecarlo

    montecarlo Member Supporter

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    What's wrong with Maggie's suggestion on updating the lipstick? Seems to accomplish the same effect you are going for.
     
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  12. TheOtherPromise

    TheOtherPromise Senior Member

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    Made up is how I'd describe it.

    I would add that I don't think describing the eye shadow as elegant is a good call. There are so many different ways someone can wear eye shadow that just saying it is elegant tells me nothing, besides that the author wants me to think it's elegant. Now if this was in first person or third person deep that wouldn't be as much of a problem since it says that the PoV character thinks it's elegant.

    Though I still think it'd be better to be more descriptive. Is it smokey, cat eye, or some other style. What color does she use? How does it compliment her eyes?
     
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  13. DifeTig

    DifeTig The skeleton, ghost, and living dream are one Supporter

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    coated, glazed, lacquered, shellacked, topped off...
     
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  14. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Honestly, I'm very happy I found this forum. Your points are very useful.

    You are right. I knew there must be better ways to describe the shadow. You mentioned smokey and cat eye. How do I use them in a sentence? Do these work?

    1.She returned from the restroom having refreshed her lipstick and applied her smokey eye shadow which complemented her thin eyebrows.

    2. She returned from the restroom having refreshed her lipstick and drawn a cat eye which had made her eyes look a bit wider.


    What about mascara? What are some ways that can be described?
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2020
  15. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Could you please use them in a full sentence?
     
  16. DifeTig

    DifeTig The skeleton, ghost, and living dream are one Supporter

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    "She returned from the restroom. Her dark eyes were freshly.........with an elegant eye shadow and thick mascara."

    She returned from the bathroom, satisfied by the reapplication of mascara and eye shadow.
    After leaving the restroom, here eyes were coated with fresh mascara and eye shadow.
    She hoped he was still there as she left the restroom, eyes freshly lacquered with a top layer of mascara and eye shadow.
    Her freshly glazed eyelids reflected the streaming lights across the room as she darted out of the bathroom in search of him.
     
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  17. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    these are over directional, you don't need to give the reader that level of info

    She returned from the rest room, make up refreshed, her eyes darted round the dimly lit room, searching for him.
     
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  18. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    I see your point. For the sake of practice though, are these correct and natural?

    1.She returned from the restroom having refreshed her lipstick and applied her smokey eye shadow which complemented her thin eyebrows.

    2. She returned from the restroom having refreshed her lipstick and drawn a cat eye which had made her eyes look a bit wider.
     
  19. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    they are correct in the sense of being an understandable sentence ... but they are awfully wooden
     
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  20. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Okay. What if I keep this part?

    She returned from the restroom having refreshed her lipstick.

    And then add something to it?
     
  21. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I'd be inclined to bring out the description slowly through the ecountered with the guy shes trying to pick up

    ' She returned from the rest room, make up freshly applied. "Hey" she said "I'm Gina"
    He took in the size 14 body erupting at both ends of the size ten dress, eyeshadow artlessly sprayed on with an airbrush, but hell he hadn't had a better offer that night "Nice to meetcha Gina, I'm Bob, buy you a drink?"
     
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  22. Maggie May

    Maggie May Active Member

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    Probably not, it tends to clump if you try to add more on. If she was not wearing any in the first place then no problem.
     
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