Hello! I'm in a bit of a tizz... I can't seem to work out which sentence (I'll paste them below) sounds right/is correct. All advice and help would be muchly appreciated! I'm not sure If this should have been posted in a different thread... so my apologies if I've caused hassle! Small tremors had plagued the region where Raj lived for the past week, but this felt different, serious. For the past week small tremors had plagued the region where Raj lived, but this felt different, serious. The region where Raj lived had been plagued by small tremors for the past week, but this felt different, serious. Small tremors had been plaguing the region where Raj lived for the past week, but this felt different, serious. Thank you!
I'm stuck in a rut, and I think I'm being a bit nit-picky. Another sentence I'm struggling with is: Raj had been jolted awake by a nightmare of a monster with gangly limbs and a serrated mouth, sweating, panting, struggling to catch his breath. I think this is OK as is... but would this make sense, jiggling it around and getting rid of the 'been': A nightmare of a monster with gangly limbs and a serrated mouth had jolted Raj awake, sweating, panting, struggling to catch his breath
This one. No - this is unclear as to WHO was sweating and panting - Raj or the monster? Depending on context, I would personally split the sentence into one or more shorter sentences. Raj was jolted into wakefulness. A nightmare had left him sweating, panting, and struggling to catch his breath - a nightmare of a monster with gangly limbs and serrated teeth. Normally, I would say to avoid repetition, but I think it increases the impact of the nightmare, if this is important.
This is great advice! Thanks for taking the time to help me, appreciate it. I’m going to have a play around with it. Can I post it to this thread once I’m done for your opinion?
Hey Cheers again for the help. This is what I've come up with (gone with your advice of splitting it into shorter sentences - thanks for that!). I removed 'struggling to catch his breath' as I think it clashes with 'panting': He’d had the nightmare again. Third night in a row now. He clutched at his chest, heart pounding when he thought about it. Did it mean anything? Was it a sign? The hideous monster with its gangly limbs and serrated teeth had left him sweating and panting. Reading was supposed to settle his mind. Fat lot of good it did. The tiredness stung like carpet burn, scraped at his eyeballs, yet the image of the monster remained.
A little excessive, I think. I would suggest: Don't italicise "the". There's no need for the extra emphasis here. Add "It was the" to "Third night.." - make this a complete sentence. Cut out the "He clutched..." sentence completely. Combine the "Reading" and "Fat lot" sentences. The last sentence does a strong enough job of conveying his anxiety, the "He clutched" sentence is redundant.
Thanks so much! Really helpful. Here's what I've got now: He’d had the nightmare again. It was the third night in a row now. Did it mean anything? Was it a sign? The hideous monster with its gangly limbs and serrated teeth had left him sweating and panting. Reading was supposed to settle his mind; fat lot of good it did. The tiredness stung like carpet burn, scraped at his eyeballs, yet the image of the monster remained.
Do you think the last sentence would read better as: The tiredness stung like carpet burn, scraped at his eyeballs, yet the monster's image remained.
Mod hat on here: This thread is getting a BIT too 'Workshoppy.'. It's okay to ask a question like 'which of these sentences is better', but when you start giving us whole paragraphs and asking for feedback on the whole, that's really a Workshop issue. It's okay, and you're certainly not in any bother, Ryan, but I've closed the thread to further replies. Once you've fulfilled your Workshop requirements, then you can post even a bigger chunk there for members to work on with you.
