1. Dogberry's Watch

    Dogberry's Watch Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Contest Winner 2022

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    Back of the Book Help

    Discussion in 'Blurb Critique' started by Dogberry's Watch, May 21, 2022.

    I'm working on cover stuff, and I feel like my blurb is a little lacking. I don't want to give away too much in it, but I also don't want it to sound like something it isn't. This is the first book of a four book series, and the whole thing is a mix of sci-fi and fantasy. I guess the best way to go about it is share it and get some feedback. Any help is appreciated. I've never done this kind of thing before, so I feel a bit out of my depth.

    New version can be found here:
    https://www.writingforums.org/threads/back-of-the-book-help.172678/#post-1963872

    Nothing of note ever happens in Lowell: a sleepy farming community where the most exciting thing that occurs is the corner market has a surprise pallet of Oreos. Frankie's lived there her whole life, and it's always been more than enough to keep her content. Strange events begin disrupting the quiet routine of the townspeople one summer. Violent and frightening, it leaves Frankie wondering what's real and who she can truly trust.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
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  2. Lili.A.Pemberton

    Lili.A.Pemberton Active Member

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    So I've never written a book blurb either, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but "Strange events disrupting the quiet," seems a little vague as well as "one summer". Is the events anything specific? Is it preceded by anything? What year does this take place? How old is Frankie at the start of the story? Where's Lowell? Iowa? Ohio? Why exactly has the town turned violent and frightening?

    I also think you should probably tighten up the first sentence a bit, it's a little long.
     
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  3. Hammer

    Hammer Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    So... cruel to be kind time...


    Nothing of note ever happens in Lowell ok, so why should I waste my hard-earned on this; next!: a sleepy farming community where the most exciting thing that occurs is the corner market what's a corner market? is that a common US phrase? has a surprise pallet of Oreos (I had to stop and try to work out what you meant by a surprise packet of Oreos - is it because they aren't usually available? or did the store-keeper order jaffa-cakes?). Frankie's lived there her whole life, and it's always been more than enough to keep her content. Strange events as @Lili.A.Pemberton says, this is a bit woolly begin disrupting the quiet routine of the townspeople one summer. Violent and frightening see, I think of strange events as a rain of frogs, or a fat man winning the school parents' race - violent and frightening is chainsaws or machetes..., it leaves Frankie wondering what's real and who she can truly trust.

    Also not an expert, but the only purpose of a blurb is to get somebody to open the front cover and read your first couple of sentences, and the purpose of those sentences is to get them to reach for their dollar. For me, something more along the lines of Nothing in the town of Lowell had ever made Frankie question her day-to-day routine, but when three spacecraft crash-landed on the church on three successive days, even Frankie had to wonder why! When a swamp-monster appeared looking exactly like the parson, Frankie knew it was time to act, but obviously tailored to suit your novel (c:

    I would say it's a scrap and re-do I'm afraid, but looking forward to seeing v.2
     
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  4. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yowza... I'd read that! "Corner store" is an Americanism for sure. It might be the only store in a small town that is actually on a street corner. Or in a city, like mine, it usually refers to whatever store is closest to your house. It's the one you walk to for bread, milk, smokes, or condoms.
     
  5. Dogberry's Watch

    Dogberry's Watch Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Contest Winner 2022

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    Ugh, okay. I'm not upset about the critique, I just feel a little bit behind the writer curve because this is definitely not something I've ever attempted. I really appreciate the help so far! I'll post something else tomorrow, maybe, if I remember to.
     
  6. Cephus

    Cephus Contributor Contributor

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    You have a sentence, maybe two, to hook your reader. Honestly, walk into a bookstore and read the back covers of successful novels in your genre and model yours after that. It isn't so much about explaining your story, it's pure marketing.
     
  7. Hammer

    Hammer Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Really don't be; all I was trying to establish really is that, from a sales point of view, with physical books the blurb (along with the cover-art) must be the single most important thing you can do! It can be a brilliant roller-coaster of a novel, but if people don't pick it up and read it, it's a door-stop. It's worth working at - and this is a better place to learn than already-printed at the bookstore (c:

    It shouldn't take too long to try a few things out, and - as always - don't pay too much attention to a single crit, look for trends

    Do. Really do.
     
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  8. Hammer

    Hammer Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Or, if your luck's in, all of the above...

    Thinking about it, we have "corner shop"; I just didn't associate it with a market which, this side of the pond, is usually a big open place with multiple small traders and stalls.
     
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  9. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yeah, a corner market it also used to differentiate between a small store and a supermarket... so good point there.
     
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  10. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I strongly recommend Adam Croft's book "writing killer blurbs and hooks"

    that aside you've got to grab the reader's attention in the first line - so put the interesting stuff up front .

    "Frankie thought nothing ever happened in Lowell, until Preacher Billings exploded.

    Lowell VA was a one horse town where the horse died of boredom some time ago, since then the most exciting thing to happen was a new flavour of Oreos at the kwikimart. Not the kind of place where you'd expect your priest to ascend to the heavens in a ball of flame.
     
  11. SapereAude

    SapereAude Contributor Contributor

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    What we Americans often refer to as a "corner market" is what in much of South America is referred to as a "mini-mercado."
     
  12. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Not a "mercadorito?" They adopt the American prefix?
     
  13. SapereAude

    SapereAude Contributor Contributor

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    They do in Chile (my late wife's native country).
     
  14. Friedrich Kugelschreiber

    Friedrich Kugelschreiber marshmallow Contributor

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    I'm confused about the Oreos a little bit. Every gas station sells Oreos; is this town unique in that you can't usually get Oreos there? I don't understand how a surprise pallet of Oreos is noteworthy.

    I think the general rule is you want some kind of big deal on the back. Make it pop and fizz and bubble:

    "Frankie has lived in sleepy Lowell, California her whole life. Nothing much usually happens there, until a mysterious masked man begins to haunt the town and several unidentified corpses are found hanging from streetlights. Frankie soon discovers that her explosive looks and seductive charm are the only protection the town has against interdimensional swamp goblins from the planet Zorgotron. From Hollywood, to Saigon, to the Martian city of Kooblarga, she follows a sequence of dark clues in an increasingly dangerous game of cat and mouse."

    If that happens to be the plot of your book, you're welcome to use my blurb without attribution.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
  15. Dogberry's Watch

    Dogberry's Watch Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Contest Winner 2022

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    Out of all the rather interesting takes on a redo of what I wrote, I'm going to say maybe Friedrich got the closest. I have to wait until I get home to post a proper reply, but I wanted to say thank you, again, for all of your insight. It's helped more than I can say, haha.
     
  16. Friedrich Kugelschreiber

    Friedrich Kugelschreiber marshmallow Contributor

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    :superyesh:
     
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  17. Dogberry's Watch

    Dogberry's Watch Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Contest Winner 2022

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    New version, I'm still not sure of this, but I think it might be a bit better than what I had before. Although now I'm concerned it's too wordy.

    An explosion rocks the streets of Ahkbren. A six-armed man with skin the color of blood follows a crooked crone out of the crater that was their prison. The third member of their party, a mobile mountain, climbs from the hole, his long limbs shedding shale as he shakes himself. Escaping the cells holding them is the first part. Horrendous crimes of creation is the second. The crone cackles as a portal rips part the night sky, revealing a swirling vortex of blue smoke. Lightning sizzles through the haze. the thrice Unbound are free.

    Across the vortex, Brangienne Frankovitch has lived all twenty-four years of her life in Lowell, Kentucky. The town so small, it almost didn't make it on the map until the governor sent a highway through it. She spends her days bagging groceries for the upper class elite, the housewives whose husbands didn't get fired when the auto parts factory closed. The only excitement is the lake party thrown at the beginning of autumn. Frankie rarely goes, her entertainment instead consisting of beating her roommate Sam at video games, and antagonizing her sister at family dinners on Sundays.

    The one time she decides to attend, two of her former classmates end up gutted and dragged into the trees. Everyone says it was an animal attack, but Frankie's never seen an animal go after people in the middle of a crowd. Something's not as it seems in Lowell, and as the investigation begins, Frankie finds she can't trust herself to know what is real.
     
  18. SapereAude

    SapereAude Contributor Contributor

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    In re: the revised version --

    The problem is that you know the story. We (and your prospective readers/buyers) do NOT know the story. Your new blurb has three paragraphs. The first appears totally unrelated to the second and third.

    Who is your main character? I assume it's Brangienne Frankovitch. I think the blurb needs to zero in more closely on her, and then on how the events you put in the first paragraph relate to and affect her. For example, the second paragraph begins with, "Across the vortex, ..." My immediate reaction was "Vortex? What vortex?" I had to go back and re-read the first paragraph several times before I discovered a passing reference to a vortex hiding in the last line.

    Then you say, "Escaping the cells holding them is the first part. Horrendous crimes of creation is the second [part?]." My pedantic brain immediately screams "First part of WHAT?"

    Go on Amazon -- or to a book store or supermarket book aisle -- and read a lot of back cover blurbs of books that are for sale. Then take a quick look at the opening chapters of each to get some sense of how the blurbs relate to the story. The blurb is your lure and bait. It needs to not only attract prospective readers to your book, it also has to set the hook once they nibble at the bait. I'm just not feeling that in your blurb. It strikes me as being disjointed.

    Disclaimer: I'm an olde pharte, and a tough audience.
     
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  19. Lili.A.Pemberton

    Lili.A.Pemberton Active Member

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    So basically what SapereAude said about focusing on the main character and googling famous book blurbs. You've gone a lot wordy with your blurb and you've a lot of added personal details to your main character: bagging groceries, beating her roommate at video games, antagonizing her sister at family dinners, that are just not needed in a blurb. A blurb is meant to interest me to the story at large. Those details don't really interest me to the story at large. Also, "The town so small, it almost didn't make it on the map until the governor sent a highway through it." kind of seems redundant because Lowell, Kentucky kind of already spells out 'small town no one cares about', but maybe that's just me.

    Honestly, blurbs are meant to be super short, the more concise the better.

    Just like, super short, in tone with the rest of your book, and focused on the main POV character.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
  20. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    You totally should lead with this! But—is your story written in present tense? If not your blurb probably shouldn't be either. Note—I'm far from a blurbologist.

    (I changed an As because there was another too close to it)
     
  21. Bruce Johnson

    Bruce Johnson Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    Disclaimer:. I have zero experience in writing blurbs. This is to come up with other suggestions that may be useful. That being said, I'd go for something similar to this but the transition between the paragraphs definitely needs work:

    An explosion rocks the streets of Ahkbren. Emerging from the crater are a six-armed man, a crooked crone, and a quartzite golem. Escaping their cells was the easy part, but true freedom can only be found in another world. And for demons that have spent millennia tormented by an unquenched bloodthirst, any world will do.

    Across the astral plane, an explosion wakes Brangienne Frankovitch and half the population of Lowell, Kentucky, written off as another explosion at a nearby chemical plant. But when animal attacks and strange happenings follow, Brangienne begins to question how ordinary her town really is.
     
  22. Not the Territory

    Not the Territory Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

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    Disclaimer: I don't really know anything about blurbs either. I looked for some examples on Amazon and it was a bit of a mixed bag to be honest, haha.

    A common format I've seen in the bookstores is:
    1. Establish
    2. Incite
    3. Reaffirm (stakes and/or challenge)

    1. Brangienne Frankovitch normally runs down the clock working a mundane job and playing videogames in her hometown of Lowell, Kentucky. 2. When the town is rocked by the murders of two former classmates, however, she finds herself unravelling a plot hatched by the worst kind of tourists: interdimensional fugitives.

    3. As Brangienne's curiosity takes her deeper into the bizarre, she realizes her small town may now harbor the three biggest problems humanity has never even imagined. Even more concerning, it might be solely up to her, a 24-year-old grocery clerk, to do something about it. If she can't discover the truth in time to stop these newcomers, she can say goodbye to Lowell and a whole lot more.

    I don't know, maybe some of it will help.
     
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  23. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

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    Coming back and reading this again I see you've got two scenes here and some seemingly unnecessary and unimportant background information. By going into the past a couple of times you break the forward flow of the blurb, which once started should continue. A blurb is usually not scenes and backstory but a summary.

    Just as a super-rough sketch, and not trying to stick too close to your actual story (which I know nothing about)—an example:

    Strange forces have broken loose from another dimension and are sweeping inexorably toward Lowell, Kentucky and into the formerly ordinary life of Brangienne Frankovitch.

    A single sentence that starts at a vast scale and faraway (another dimension, with strange forces) and then moves to a much more familiar location, at a smaller scale, and then zooms in on our heroine. From the cosmic down to the personal, and then stay there, with the cosmic acting possibly as backdrop if necessary, but you've introduced your main character—keep her as the subject for a while now.

    I have no idea what else to say here, because I don't know what else happens, but now that you've established the location and the main character (well, I have while pretending to be you) I would stick with that and not jump back and forth in time or to a distant location. Flow is vitally important. Somehow in your last example each sentence seems oddly disconencted. I find the most important thing with a first sentence is to set up something that allows you to flow naturally through from it. I feel like I could flow pretty well from the sentence I typed here. But keep in mind, a blurb is short—a paragraph or two at most, so you should stick to one character and location and time period. It's fine to bring in secondary elements (characters, locations etc) as long as they're subordinated to the main ones. For instance maybe—

    She had no idea her Saturday night would consist of battling a six-armed man with skin the color of blood, a crooked crone, and a mobile mountain...
    Note Brangiene was the object mentioned at the end of the first sentence, and now she becomes the subject. 'She' refers logically back to Brangienne (the only person mentioned, so no possible confusion), which allows connection and flow. In fact scanning back over the thread, I notice each person who offered a sample blurb has tried to maintain a single subject throughout (or hand off smoothly to a new subject using sleight-of-hand like I just did) and establish a forward flow of information in summary form. Think TV Guide (if you've ever seen one, I'm not sure they exist anymore) or Reader's Digest. Or, as has been said already, read lots of blurbs.

    ... and, looking at your original attempt, it had a nice smooth forward flow throughout. I think you tried to get fancy and do something totally different for the second one. Just need to get your flow on again!
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
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  24. Dogberry's Watch

    Dogberry's Watch Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Contest Winner 2022

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    Most of your responses have been helpful, thank you. I'll make another attempt this afternoon. My biggest problem is when I look at the popular books for sale on Amazon, the blurbs don't interest me, because those stories aren't what I like to read. Or the most read are the Harry Potter series. So I've gone to my own bookshelf for examples and I've just gotten more confused. I did order the book you suggested, big soft moose.

    I'm discouraged, but not because I've felt attacked or anything, just really out of my comfort zone with this. It's less that I want to sell books, and more I just want the book to feel complete, so this is one of the final parts to that.

    Thank you again, everyone, for what you've said so far.
     
  25. SapereAude

    SapereAude Contributor Contributor

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    That's why I suggested looking at blurbs, and then peeking inside at some of the book. It doesn't really matter if it's a genre you would choose to read. Your research should not be on whether or not you like the genre or the book, but on how the blurb relates to the story, how succinctly does it sum up the story, and how long is it? The blurb is intended to arouse a reader's interest, but it can't give away the ending, so ... how does each blurb structure the hook?
     
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