A mushroom walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
I can reveal the rumours are true: I'm doing a musical -- but don't make a big song and dance about it.
In Jamaica, a cottage pie costs $4. In Trinidad, a pork pie costs $3. In Barbados, an apple pie costs $5.50. In Antigua, a pecan pie costs $7. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What has eighteen legs and catches flies? A baseball team. If a fly didn't have wings, would it be called a walk? Three men walk into a bar. The last one ducks.
Why are Viking runes so hard to decipher? They are written in Norse code. The Jedi are a force for good. Yukon take the Northwest Territories, but I'm having Nunavut.
Snow White was waiting for her photos of her and the seven dwarves to arrive. "Someday, my prints will come," she sighed. It is a little known fact that the Queen's eldest son Charles had a pet dolphin when he was a boy. This was the tale of the Prince and the porpoise.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. What if she's Japanese? What would her name be? Irene. (Well, a Japanese lady friend of mine thought that was hilarious.)
Why do I refer to my WIP as my 'duck'? It's from a bad joke. Spoiler: nsfw Mom gives boy a buck to buy a duck. He buys the duck for a buck and meets a whore on the way home. She'll give him a fuck for a buck, but he only has a duck. She takes the duck in trade for a fuck, and he tells her it wasn't worth a buck or a duck. As they argue, the duck gets hit by a truck. The whore doesn't want a fucked-up duck, so she leaves the boy stuck with the fucked-up duck. Just before the boy reaches home a starving man buys the duck, for a buck. When he gets home, Mom asks how it went. Says the boy, "I gotta duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, and a buck for a fucked-up duck!"
If a train carrying a cargo of raising agent leaves London at 9am at 100kph and a train carrying upper body undergarments leaves Edinburgh at 10am travelling at 120kph, when will they meet? Never, because yeast is yeast and vest is vest and ne'er the trains shall meet.
One of my main characters causes massive devastation to the town the leader of the rebellion is in. After coming out of the place they'd hidden to avoid the destruction, they realize the air is clogged with smoke and debris. Lacking the necessary masks to breathe easily, one of the mages begins to draw runes of clarity and breathing on the faces of the rebels. What sort of tool does one draw magic runes on faces with, you ask? Why, with a magic marker, of course!
