Sometimes, the old ones are the best. The South African farmer looked out at his plantation, undisturbed by the hordes of trampling wildebeest. Said he, "No gnus is good news".
Field Marshal Haig is out inspecting the Commonwealth troops on the Western Front. He stops in front of a young Australian soldier. "Brave lad," says the Field Marshal. "Did you come here to die?" Replies the Aussie, "Nah mate. I came here yesterdie."
There's the story of an Australian lad who was asked to define the word "bison." He said, "It's a plyce to bythe your fyce."
A man is getting ready to leave his house. When he put his car into reverse, he said, "Well, this takes me back."
This joke I've made up myself, it just came to me one day and I was quite amused by it: What did the candle say to the gaslighter? Butane me on.
Just saw this today: Q: Why do Norwegian military vessels all have large QR codes painted on their hulls? A: So that when they return to port it's easier to scan da navy in.
I read On Drilling Holes the other day. It was a boring book. And then I read How Do You Bolt Iron? It was riveting. My attention span must be getting shorter though. Nothing in Lubricants and Solvents would stick.
Q) Why did the chicken cross the road? A) To get to the other side. Q) Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A) Because he was stapled to the chicken.
A priest, a rabbi, and an Iman decide to go fishing together. The priest spends some time getting the boat into what he says is the perfect fishing spot. After a few hours the priest says,"we forgot the sandwiches." He stands up, steps out of the boar and walks to shore. As they are eating the Rabbi says,"you forgot the cooler with the drinks." So he stands up and walks to the shore. The Iman is watching this, and thinks if they can do it so can I. He stands up steps out of the boat and sinks. The Rabbi turns to the priest and says,"think we should have told him. Where the rocks are?"
Then there was this guy with a dog who had what he thought was a sure-fire act, and persuaded an impresario to give them an audition. "Boy, I'm glad this day is over," said the guy. "It was... what's the word for it?" "Rough!" replies the dog. "Rough, rough, rough!" "That's, it. Rough! It all started when the ladder slipped and I fell off the... what's the word?" "Roof!" goes the dog. "Roof! Roof! Roof!" "That's right. Man, I would have been a goner if it hadn't been for that neighbor of mine...what's his name now?" "Ralph! Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!" At this point, the impresario says, "Okay, this audition is over! That's the worst act I've seen in years! Go away, and never darken my door again!" So the guy and his dog are sitting on the curb outside the theater. "Well, Spot," the guy says. "It looks like our show business career is over." And the dog says, "How about if we switch next time, and I ask the questions?"
Ah, that's a classic! Though the way I heard it, the third question was "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?", to which the dog responds, "Ruth!" The talent agent rolls his eyes and throws them out, and the dog turns to his owner and says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"
There's an additional twist to the story as I told it. It seems that when the Smothers brothers started their act, it was Tommy who was the smart one and Dick who was the stupid one. The act didn't really click until they swapped characters. After the act took off, Tommy's persona was so ingrained in the public consciousness that when it came time for the brothers to negotiate their contracts with CBS, the TV representatives were surprised about how tough a negotiator he actually turned out to be. He caught every nuance in the contract that would have allowed CBS to to take advantage of them.
Interesting! I had never heard that. I haven't thought of the Smothers Brothers in ages, though. Thanks for enlightening me!
A blind man walks into a hardware store, and walks about five feet from the door. He bent down and grabbed his dogs tail. The began swinging the dog around over his head. The store owner came running over. "What do you think your doing?" The blind man says, "Just having a look around."
