The last thing I recall in my life was standing on the balcony of the Riveria Hotel and I thought I had heard Junbug's voice on the balcony just below me. I had been looking for Junbug that evening for hours as she was the last of my dear friends that I had yet to say goodbye to. Moments before standing on that balcony I do remember leaving my hotel bedroom where an abundance of snack foods had been scattered all over the room and it resembled the inside of the lions den at the city zoo. I couldn't tell you how many others were in my room as it seemed to have been the central area for meeting , eating and did I mention drinking? Yes I was drunk , well not drunk because I hadn't yet passed out when I left the room looking for Junbug. By that moment I had managed to keep a wonderful airy and happy buzz in my head for several hours. At eighteen years old I had masterfully managed to find and keep that buzz without losing it to sobriety or becoming fully drunk. I had learned this through several years of partying with my cohorts and it had served me quite well. I guess none of that really matters now anyway because I am laying still in a bed and I can feel my body aching all over and my face feels quite large. Voices are speaking above me but I have no idea what they are saying. I thought I was dead for a moment and then wondered if this were heaven or hell because I dreaded the idea that heaven could feel so painful, so lost and so empty. The idea of hell was worse and I had wondered what on earth did I do that would take me down here? However a few moments of laying down and hearing voices made me realize I wasn't in hell at all but felt like it. I thought I was at home but something didn't smell right and then with a bit of a struggle, I managed to open my left eye and focus somewhat on a woman in white above me. "Jenny?" A voice had carried out in the air above me. Did someone just say my name? I wasn't really sure if what was going on around me real or not and decided it must have been a dream. Somewhere between the endless shots and bottled beer chasers I had managed to pass out and fall into some deep sleeping nightmare. Perhaps any moment now one of my friends will shake me awake. "Jenny can you hear me? Move your left hand if you can hear me okay?" The voice again only this time it was closer. The woman in white who stood above I could now see was a nurse and she was speaking to me and her face was very close to mine. A nurse? I wanted to speak but I realized I couldn't even feel my lips. Oh my God! I couldn't feel my lips! I wanted to move my legs but didn't know where they were, I wanted to turn my head but couldn't move, I couldn't move. I wanted to scream out but couldn't find my voice. The only thing I did was blink, I blinked my eye as I desperately tried to focus with my one left on the nurse who stood above me. "Can you move your left hand Jenny?" She asked me. What? I didn't know where my left hand was to move. I didn't know where anything was on my body to move. I could feel my own heart race in fear feeling as though I were in the wrong body. I was in someone elses body and didn't have to ability to move it around like my own. Oh dear God what is going on? My mind was panicing and my heart was skipping beats, a nightmare yes. This was indeed a nightmare and when I wake up I will find myself bathed in my own swet. "Jenny darling, oh Jenny please! Can you hear me?" Another voice from behind the nurse cried out in desperation and I knew the voice perfectly well. It was my mothers and it was the same sad scared voice she had spoke in when my brother had been sick. Her voice was pleading and terrified and it dawned on me that what was going on right here and right now was not a nightmare but something real and something bad.