Why do I wonder if I can really do this? It seems like every other day I think I'm completely stupid or mistakenly brilliant. I'm totally focused. Stuff is getting done. And I am completely terrified. Best efforts can be really scary. You guys know what I mean? I'm worried I'm writing a really stupid novel, but it is the best really stupid novel I can write. I feel like this is the best story I can write right now. I'm applying for grants to finish writing this novel. Not sure how far I will get with that, but I feel like deadlines are too close to change projects. Whether we are applying for grants or submitting your work, we put our best efforts, those terrifying hardest tries, out there. Do you ever wonder if you can really do this? Is a little (or a lot) self doubt something a writer just needs to learn to live with?
Theres a book called 'the successful author mindset' by Joanna Penn that you ought to read, but in short ys everyone suffers from self doubt at some point. There was a video from thrillerfest of Lee Child, James Patterson, and a third person (i forget who) saying that each of them suffer from doubt that the work is any good, every single time they write something
Hard Francis is beleaguered by doubts, will the franchised pet taser break international markets, or will his wife leave him for the Amazon delivery driver? Everything changes when one day a box is opened...to reveal...nnnh....nnnh...give me money, money, I want money, stroke my beard, sitting & sat on national television: 'How great are you, Matthew?' 'Huh huh, haaa, I asked myself the same thing the other day. In the bathroom, my favourite mirror at my side, angled correctly, ya...I suppose the question is unanswerable really in this millennia, certainly I deserve very much money in my pockets, if only I could make some room. Pockets are a vacuum. What was your question again? Oh, my writing has a timeless appeal, certainly <burp>
It's because taking a chance always makes you vulnerable. And you can't shut off that because knowingly making yourself vulnerable is hard. In a sense, just by trying to get yourself out there you are inviting the whole of the world to come and tell you how wrong you are about everything. And of course that would never happen if you just sat at home and did nothing, if you just stayed inside your box and never tried to be anything more. It is scary to try your absolute best at something, because you may well fail. Almost every author does on their way. That's just how it goes. They can't all be winners, you know? But you've poured a lot of yourself and your self esteem into your writing, you've kinda solidified a slice of your subconscious into a book. And you will be inviting all and sundry to look at it and point out every failing. It's normal to be scared, normal to have doubts if you can really do it. But this is a trick of the mind. What will happen if you fail? Nothing. You'll pick yourself up and try again. You will have lost nothing to try. And at least when you are trying you have a chance to succeed. It's hard, yes, and it can take a long time and it takes a lot of learning and self-criticism and self-awareness to figure out what you're doing and how to make it better. But all of that is a good thing. It hurts. But it's good. It's personal growth. The doubt is totally natural. Use it to make yourself a better writer.
Only all the time. I'm scared when I send my work out to betas, when I submit to publishers, when I send back my edits to the publisher and of course, when the story is published and the reviews start coming in. People enjoying my work is so important to me, and I'm honestly terrified of letting them down every step of the way. I know for a fact it cuts into my productivity, but it's not something I've been able to change about myself in the 7 years I've been writing.
The Creative Process: 1. This is awesome. 2. This is tricky. 3. This is shit. 4. I am shit. 5. This might be okay. 6. This is awesome. I don't remember who the original quote is from; I've just seen it around facebook.
Sometimes doubts can be useful. While sitting in traffic the other day I read a blog post I follow and the topic was giving your characters depth. I sat there in traffic thinking about my MC and wondered if she had a personality to anyone but me. Oh no. I've written a blithering idiot. She has as much depth as a sheet of paper. Even worse, she's a whiny little wimp with no spine. Oh no. I didn't have time to write for the next four days and during that entire time, I convinced myself that not only was my character a useless shell, but so were all the other characters and the plot was highly questionable too. When I finally got back to the MS yesterday morning, I printed out the first 20 pages and sat in the living room (away from my desk) and read it aloud to myself. Print, change of location and hearing it as I read it always help me find the problems. Turns out, I did have a little fleshing out to do with the primary and secondary MCs, couple setting issues that needed better descriptions, and some backstory that needed trimming, but other than that, I wasn't displeased with it at all. But if I hadn't had those doubts, I wouldn't have checked on it and would be working with somewhat shallow characters. Use your fear!
Making progress with the novel. I love it even if it's stupid. Tomorrow I will hate it and think everything I write is stupid. But I haven't written anything this long since my thesis.
