Blair: My author wants me to open up, so here I am. Author told me Jester wasn't very clear about Jester's story, but I'm not allowed to read what Jester writes, so pardon if I'm redundant. Blair: Where we come from, the zombie apocalypse happened. Just when life was coming back together. My dad got out of prison about two years ago, but I've been stationed in the Middle East with the Air Force. I had just gotten out of the military and started getting to know Dad again when the world fell apart. Apparently Dad opened up a homeless shelter and took Jester in like a son, so that's why he's with us. Blair: What's a typical day? Um, well, I spend a lot of time fighting monsters. I've been teaching Jester Krav Maga, and doing my part to keep him sober. He's been clean and sober for six years, but Halloween is around the corner, and it seems like all his personal demons come out to play merry hell with him, because Halloween is the anniversary of a lot of his personal losses. So when Jester's around, we spar, and we talk, and he opens up to me more than he will to my "uncle" Tommy or to Dad. He says he feels safe around me. I don't know why, but if it'll keep him clean and dry, I'll take it.
Vanna: Oh... Welcome to the Character Chatroom. I assure you that you're quite safe here - I've been here almost since the beginning. I'm Vanna, and these are my friends - both from school and from EMR's other book. It's 1935 for our lot, but I was raised in the early 21st century due to various escapades with dark wizards - long story. I'm fifteen years old, most of my friends are just older or younger, I'm a witch, so's Ophelia, the rest aren't, and we all go to St. Edith's Academy, in Nottinghamshire. I like Music, Drama, school stories, and playing with my kitten, Emerald. Bonnie: How many instruments do you play now? Vanna: Three. The piano, the violin, and the electric guitar. I also sing - contralto. Elsie, why don't you introduce your crowd? Elsie: What is there to it? It's 1911, I'm fourteen. Someone started a school in my village, so I went along, no-one liked me, I didn't like them, I broke someone's arm, got someone put in isolation for the best part of a term, got an Irish wolfhound called Rovina, dragged a girl off to the theatre on foot, nearly got us both expelled, and now she's my friend. Her name's Cecilia. I like reading and playing with Vina. There you have it. Cis: Oh - one more thing! The dragons won't hurt you. Vanna: Brainwave, Cis. Ta awfully.
Jester: Nice to meet y'all. I'm thirty-five years old. I joined the Army right out of high school. The war broke out while I was in boot camp, so I spent the next ten years jumping back and forth between Syria and the U.S., before an IED ended my career. I spent two years in physical recovery, and then lost Mom to cancer and Dad to a heart attack within six months, so I had to do another two years in therapy. That's where they found I have bipolar, like my author. Jester: I got a job at a church as a janitor, where they let me have free room and board. Then there was a helicopter crash at Fort Carson, the Army post near my city. Of course it was Halloween. Everything bad happens on Halloween. Two weeks later I got the call to evacuate. That's where I met Blair and her family, at the bus depot. They kind of adopted me, though Tommy doesn't like me much. Tommy: Because you're a freeloading git. Jester: Oh, bite me. You're the one who sits around getting drunk all the time. Tommy: Unlike some, I can handle my liquor. Jester: You say that like it's a good thing. When don't you handle booze? Tommy: You realize I can kill you. Jester: Talkin' ain't doin', Jersey Shore. Padre: *Ahem*. Pardon the lads. They've got their differences. I'm Ian, Blair's father, Tommy's godfather, and Jester's mentor. My brood gets a might uppity without their coffee this early in the morning. Most people call me Padre, a holdover from my days in the Episcopal church. It's a pleasure to be here, and to meet you ladies and gents. Can't say I've had much experience with time travel or dark wizardry, but that does sound like a great story. Especially if there's dragons. Blair: Dad, why do you have Jester and Tommy in a headlock?
Vanna: Oh, the dragons aren't with us. The other great stalwart here is the Rishnaran, who writes about dragons. Cis is organised enough to remember that whenever someone new turns up, the first thing they notice is the dragons, they assume they're hostile, and they plan their attack.
Padre: Oh, we don't mind dragons. Got a few tattooed on me right side. I don't think anything I've got could do much against them if they were hostile. Where I come from, the worst threat is from Hellions, those mercenaries with some big guns. They've got a few gunships that might do for a dragon, but I haven't seen any Hellions about this morning, so I'll ask my author to keep them out. Colonel Arnold, Hellion Battalion: Good morning. Padre: ...Damn it.
Vanna: I think it would be best if you left your guns at the door. We had a fellow waving a sword around a lot earlier and that was not pleasant. Paula: I suppose it would be fine as long as they don't shoot anyone. Jasmine: Your world is a jolly sight more dangerous than ours. We're mostly safe as houses at school, but there was a frightful scare when Vanna got taken by dark wizards. Vanna: That was my fault. I shouldn't have left my dormy. Jasmine: Ophelia saved her though. Ophelia: All I did was tell Miss Juniper that she'd gone. Cecilia: Well, that still sounds terribly brave. My book's a lot less serious. There aren't any monsters at all. It's nice to meet you, Blair, Padre, Colonel, Tommy, Jester. Jasmine: We had an actual jester in here a while ago, d'you remember, Vanna? Vanna: I do. I don't think this Jester is here to tell jokes, though. Jasmine: Or flirt with you! Vanna: Belt up.
Jester: We promise not to shoot anyone. I do tell jokes on occasion. I got my nickname in the Army, because I have a bad habit of cracking wise when I'm stressed. The author decided not to crowd chat, so I guess it's just me. Who is your story for, do you think? What's the target audience?
Vanna: Girls in their early teens, like EMR was when she first started writing about us. Elsie: It's the same for us, but it sounds like Vanna's book is more adventure and fantasy, whereas we're a plain school story, so we're very niche. Vanna: Oh, there's plenty for school story fans in our book, too. But we're children, written for children, which is why I neglected to stroll on over to the Character Bar. I assume your book is for adults?
Jester: Yeah, my book is definitely for adults. It's got zombies and bloodshed and language, but Sclav doesn't like gratuitous violence. He's tried to keep it pertinent to the story, which is really a love story about a disabled veteran (yours truly) and his mentor's daughter. Sclav hopes it'll appeal to a broad sci-fi audience that enjoys more serious stories than your average zombie flick. I just want to get out of it with what's left of my skin intact. If Sclav ever actually manages to write the love story part of it (*pointed glare*), that'll be icing on the cake. Jester: Sclav really likes adventure and fantasy lately, like "The Aeronaut's Windlass" by Jim Butcher. He's been distracted from writing my story because he's been off playing around with some retelling of "Alice in Wonderland." Leaving me here, in mid-fall off a roof. Not that I'm bitter.
Vanna: I'm in mid-sentence, but hopefully that will change soon. Elsie: I'm in the middle of a lesson. I have to say, I was always fond of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland". I preferred "Through the Looking-Glass", though.
Jester: Sclav would agree with you, Elsie. He really enjoys chess and the mathematical aspects of the story. Alice has joined the chat. Alice: Hello, all. What's he calling himself, Jester? Jester: Sclavus. Alice: I swear he changes his name more than he changes ours. He couldn't decide on my last name for the longest. I've grown up with the whole Lewis Carroll thing. It's a big deal in Wonderland, as you might expect. I'm fifteen, and just started my tenth school year. We're going to kill the Queen Heart, apparently. My story is much more appropriate for younger readers, though. The queen always does her nasty business behind closed doors. Well, mostly. "The Cheshire Rebellion" is all about taking down the evil queen in a post-nuclear world. Jester: Our writer does like his apocalypses. Alice: I guess, but where I'm from, the apocalypse has been over for five hundred years. Aside from having a sociopathic narcissist for a queen, my biggest problem is dealing with the body odor from the ninth year wing at school. Well, and Cheshire stole my sister, but from what Sclavus told me, Elsie is right: schools are safe places. The posters say so. "We're safe and sound, underground." It's the rest of Wonderland that's mad as a hatter.
Elsie: But...but you're not Alice! You don't...fight in rebellions...go to school...you're not fifteen! You're seven - seven years and six months exactly! Cecilia: Elsie - calm down. He's just telling a story based on Alice... I think... Vanna: Don't worry about Elsie. It's a retelling, he just said. It's like Cecilia said, it's drawing on the theme's of Alice and re-working them into a more modern story. It's what people do. Although retellings of that sort are a pretty 21st-century thing, so you can forgive Elsie for not knowing what one is. [To Alice] Tell us about your sister - I hope she comes back. And tell us about your school - obviously I've never been to school in a bunker!
Alice: Oh, well, um, you're right, I'm not Mr. Dodgson's Alice, but I was named for her. We did learn quite a bit about the 19th century in Cultural History, but goodness, that was 700 years ago where I'm from. Alice: Annie is three years older than me. She kind of raised me, since our parents died when I was too young to remember it. I love Annie, but I don't think we could be any more different since she got her half of the inheritance. We've never been exactly poor, but everything I've ever owned was Annie's before it was mine. She got a job with the government when she turned eighteen, and suddenly that meant I had to buy new things to make her look good, as if she owned me. Alice: Annie and I fought on orientation day, when all the students meet their new teachers, get their locker assignments, and all the expectations from staff for the school year. That was the day Cheshire showed up, during The Queen Heart's speech about the importance of learning to be good citizens of Wonderland. He told the queen he would expose her misdeeds unless she gave up her throne at The Unbirthday Party the next day. At the end of the day, Annie showed up and lectured me about not staying out late. Alice: I told Annie the Education Center is perfectly safe. We have Red Cards and Black Cards--the queen's personal army and our police--all over the place. But Annie wouldn't hear it. We were required by law to attend the queen's speech at The Unbirthday Party, the first day of our year's end celebration. Well you can probably imagine she had some strong words for Cheshire, who had the gall to show up. Well, sort of. We have the technology to protect a shadow, but not just in black. It can look exactly like a real thing, and so Cheshire showed up that way and said he'd show us six impossible things before breakfast at the Frabjous Week celebrations. Alice: The next day, Annie was gone, along with all of her things. Cheshire showed up at my house as a hologram--what we call the shadows I talked about--and said Annie would be okay if I helped him. That's as far as Sclavus has gotten so far, though I think he knows where it's going. I'm supposed to meet a person Cheshire called "Mr. Rabbit." It's not like I can refuse. She's my sister. I just want her back, and to go to school so I can figure out how to go to the surface. Right now it's illegal to go there, but I'm almost certain it's safer than what they teach us. Alice: School is, well, I like it. I always have. Everyone goes to school in the same building, and we spend half the day learning things like math and science, and the other half learning about Wonderland history, citizenship, Carroll's literature, and so on. It's crowded, but I like learning, and I get to see my best friend, Monty. Our favorite room is the library, where they've collected tons and tons of books. We spend our evenings there after school, because I'd like to be a Surface Monitor when I graduate, but that's one of the toughest jobs. Alice: Wow, sorry, I kind of went on there. I do that with people sometimes. I explain too much, Monty says, but he's one to talk. That's one reason we're not exactly popular, because most of the Pops don't care that much. Some don't even have jobs after they graduate, because they have so much money, they can afford the unemployment tax. But there I go again, saying too much.
Elsie: You have a bally queer world. Vanna: I'm sorry to hear about Annie. If your book is for children, then I'm sure she'll be all right. Our school is very different. Lots of people here have latched on to the "witch" part, but it isn't like that at all. We learn English and Art and all the rest, and it just so happens that there are witches that go there - in fact, I didn't know about them until the end of the year!
Alice: The story is for people my age, I think, but my author assures me he'd be strung up a pole if the story didn't have a happy ending. That's all he'll say. I take it your school isn't specifically just for witches, then?
Vanna: No, not at all. I didn't know I was a witch until last summer - I suppose you could consider it the "twist" of my story. Most of my friends aren't witches. You can tell someone is a witch from the grey streak in their hair. One of St. Edith's main selling points was that witches and human girls can mix and it'll teach them tolerance of each other. It's hardly Hogwarts - tell me Harry Potter's stood the test of time! Elsie: Of course, none of this exists in our world at all.
Vanna: Hallo, Woppo. Do come in. I'm Vanna, and these are my friends. Are you from the Rishnaran's universe or another book?
The Rishnaran: Another one. Woppo: I am not superficially charming and intelligent. I have delusions or other signs of irrational thinking. I am not overly nervous or do I have other neuroses. I am reliable. I do not tell lies or say insincere things. I feel remorse or shame. My behavior is not antisocial for no good reason. I do not have poor judgement and fail to learn from experience. I am not pathologically eccentric and incapable of love. I do not generally lack the ability to respond emotionally. I do not lack insight. I am responsive to others socially. I am not a crazy party fiend. I do not make false suicide threats. I have not failed to follow a life plan.
Hellant: Why does he remind me of a vampire, hmm... Raven: How long is that restraint going to last Hellant? Hellant: Long enough, she shouldn't get out of there until I'm gone. Zombies, interesting, I had to fight those during the journey. Though Cutler used to fight them in the Old War, I've heard that guns work pretty well against them, but I think an obliteration spell would do much better. Maybe I could... Hellant's speech devolves into incomprehensible mutterings. Raven: As it is we have much work to catch up on. Leon, please carry Cutler back. Leon: Might as well, Syris, can you make sure she she stays restrained? Syris: Definitely, don't want to her to destroy this place. Raven: Hellant, do you want to come with us? Hellant: Oh, yeah, sure. What if I... A large portal made of darkness, almost like smoke. The group of magicians step into it and they slowly evaporate until only the smoke rising through the air remains. Beappy: Sorry, my characters got a bit out of control. It is nice to meet you all though.
Woppo: I'm not a vampire. But my platypus is. Frank, a duck head sewn onto a beaver body with duck feet sewn on and a square bulge in his throat: [grainy recording of a platypus growl] Woppo [applying fresh coat of teal spray paint to Frank's pelt]: He's 70% beaver, 20% duck, 8% sound recording and 2% wolverine, although Hugh doesn't know I stole his teeth to make a platypus. Frank: [hisses and bares teeth] Woppo: His name is Frank. It's short for Frankenstein's Platypus. It's a human culture reference.
Vanna: Well, it's...it's very nice to meet you, Woppo. I can see that you have your life in order. It's nice to meet Frank as well. I can...I can see that you're the creative type, making your own pets - I have a kitten, but she was...she was born the normal way... And...and well-read as well. I've never read Frankenstein, but I'm sure it's a good book. Elsie: I have. My mother went spare when she found out: not exactly appropriate reading for young girls. Jasmine: [whispers] Vanna, I'm leaving. Vanna: No, you're not! Go and give Frank a pat! Jasmine: [Approaches Frank tentatively] Good...hand-made...creature...thing...
Frank: [grainy recording of a platypus growl] Narrator: It's me, the Rishnaran. You'll have to excuse Woppo, he comes from a very messed up planet and hasn't quite figured out how to assimilate into human culture. Woppo: What are your occupations? I am currently unemployed but one of my many professional skills is surgery. I have commited many surgeries without being convicted.
Kevin: This place looks nothing like I imagined. I mean, my god, I've seen grandparents throw livelier tea parties! Nathaniel: We're not here to have fun. Kevin: No, you're not here to have fun. I told you I was going to get some drinks and enjoy myself. It's not my problem that you have a stick wedged up your- Nathaniel: [cutting him off] Kevin, please. There are children here.
