Nathaniel: [giving a pleasant smile and a nod] It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Nathaniel and this is my- [notices Kevin already left to go to the bar] that is my partner, Kevin. He's a little rough around the edges, but you get used to him.
Ortlinde: Watch the language, bubba - we do have the Character Bar for that. Rossweisse: Not without a bartender we don't! Ortlinde: I'm on break, besides, nobody's thrown a supernatural punch in a while so who needs a Valkyrie barkeep. I think the talking tree scared everyone off.
Kevin: Valkyrie barkeep? Hey, how'd you like to make some more money? I'll double whatever you're getting paid, and I have a great dental plan.
Ortlinde: I'm good. I have the immortal demigod plan - full medical and dental coverage at no charge for eternity. The only catch is the whole watching-all-your-friends-die-over-and-over thing.
Woppo: [continuing to load blowgun with toxic darts] Humans are incredibly fragile. It almost takes the fun out of it.
Vanna: Hallo, Nathaniel, Kevin. I'm Vanna, and these are my friends. Some of them are from school and some of them are from EMR's other book. They pop in and out. I'm fifteen years old, I'm a witch - which I only found out about last summer - and I go to St. Edith's Academy. Suppose you introduce yourselves. Who are you? What's your book about. Jasmine: Mr. Rishnaran, could you please confiscate that thing Woppo's playing with? It scares me.
Beappy: Visitors? Oh boy! Have a drink, pull up one of the many chairs. And don't forget to pet the amazing dead platypus! As he says this, his feet slowly sink through the floor, soon his head has disappeared and his voice is a muffled sound slowly getting quieter. Hellant: Oh man I can't- wait, what am I doing here? Must've been the kerosene., never trust something explicit. Anyway, it is nice to meet you. You may refer to me as Hellant, unless I've been here already? I nearly recognize some people here, though I'm not positive, is your name Marie Beareau? Wait, no, why am I thinking of a wheel? Curse my fortunes. Why is it white? I thought this wouldn't happen yet? Am I dying? Wait no, that would require some electricity, maybe a lightning storm? A shovel, a graveyard. What about a castle? A new magic, no, it isn't magic. Aura: I'm sorry for his behavior, he's psychic you see, and it kind of messes with his head. It is nice to meet you, I am Aura of the Five Churches. I've been assigned to watch over him so he doesn't... It doesn't matter. (Sorry for the character change, I'm trying to make him more absent-minded because of some lore changes)
Nathaniel: It's a pleasure to meet you, Vanna. The short version is that we're trying to stop the apocalypse. Kevin and I are both nephilim and we have the job of protecting humans from monsters, demons, that sort of thing. Kevin: (looking to Aura with a raised brow) You only have five churches?
Jasmine: The apocalypse? Are you with that Jester fellow? Vanna: The apocalypse has already happened for him. Jasmine: Oh. I'd forgotten that. And I meant the thing he's putting those darts in. What do you mean by "canonical immunity"? Vanna: He means that you can't die here, only where EMR intends you to. Jasmine: Am I going to die I the book? Am I? Am I? Vanna, answer me, please! Cis: Listen. We're here from the very end of our book. Are you dead? Jasmine: No. Cis: Then buck up.
Woppo: Are stealing souls an option? I have committed a great portion of my mysterious, vague and contradictory backstory to research in that area.
Kevin: I guess you could try? You can't really steal souls in our universe. You can only sell them of your own free will.
Jade: ...is this a bad time? Cara: Well! They're being weird! Clearly this is a sign that we should go home! Jade: C'mon, we just got here! Cara: Yeah, we just got to a place where we're going to talk to people from other universes, and they're talking about the economics of souls. I'm getting a bad vibe. Isabel: I'm gonna have to agree with ya. What world did they even come from where this is normal? Jade: (They hold up their hands as if in surrender) Alright, fine, you have me there. But they can't hurt us, so at worst, we'll be freaked out and run home immediately. Let's just give this a shot. It could be cool! Cara: Jade, you are very lucky that I love you. I'm gonna remember this next time I need help with ELA, though. Isabel: As will I. Except with social studies. Cara, you're lucky I'm actually a decent sister who cares about your well-being and doesn't want you being dragged off to different universes. Jade: (eye roll) You guys are so overdramatic sometimes. Come on, let's just get in here. (Sorry, I suck at this. I tried. Sorry for the awkwardness. Hopefully it wasn't too bad.
Aria: Y'know, it's only awkward if you make it awkward. In this case, yes, it's awkward. Aaron: Sorry about that. Forget what Finding Emo just said earlier. It's not bad, it's cool! Xander: Great. I leave you two for a couple of minutes, and you guys are already talking to a stranger. And from what I've seen, aren't you supposed to talk to the characters and not the writer? Aria: Hey, i comment based on what i can see, and the writer did make that sentence. Aaron: Also Xander, stop treating me like a kid! I'm older than you, you know! Xander: No, you're a 22 year old that acts like a 10 year old. Anyway, my apologies Becky for bothering you. Guys, please continue your discussion about predatory capitalism.
Woppo: [continuing to slather himself in mayonnaise] New arrivals. That's good. Trixie: Woppo? Is that you? Woppo: Everyone, meet Trixie. Trixie: Hi! Woppo: She's my next-door neighbor. We've known each other since I moved in. Trixie: I thought we'd been friends since we were kids. Woppo: [remembering he modified her memory with his brainwashing machine] Oh, that's right. I seem to have made a mistake. That never happens. Everyone please line up for your mandatory lobotomies so I can surgically remove it from your minds. Trixie: [laughs] You're so superficially charming and intelligent!
Jade: ...why are you covering yourself in mayo? Cara: Jade, he just mentioned surgically removing something from our minds, and you're asking about how he's covering himself in mayo? Jade: Well, I wasn't going to bring up the crazy stuff with a guy who can surgically remove stuff from minds! Isabel: That's it, I'm going home. Cara: (grabbing her arm) Nope. If we go down, you go down with us. Isabel: You can come home too, y'know. Cara: And leave Jade to their own devices? Yeah, no. The last time I did that, they covered the wall in Post-Its. Jade: They were pink! What was I supposed to do? Cara: ...take them home and cover your own wall in them? Jade: (they shrug) What can I say? I'm impatient.
Woppo: It's perfectly harmless. I have committed many surgeries without being convicted. I am also a licensed professional in non-consensual euthanasia. I have a long record behind me, nothing of which I can disclose in public. Trixie: [sighs dreamily] He's so dark and mysterious. It's incredibly attractive.
Vanna: Trixie, I'd run if I were you. Hallo, Jade, Aria, and all the rest. I'm Vanna, and I'm a fifteen-year-old witch from 1935. I grew up in the 21st century, though. These are my friends, mostly from school, but some are from EMR's other book, too. What are your books about? How old are you? What do you do? Jasmine: Vanna, Woppo's really scaring me. Vanna: I know. I miss the dragons.
Woppo: Frank, heel. Stop stalking the girl. Frank: [growls and steps away from the back of Jasmine's ankle] Trixie: [dreamily] Woppo is an alien. Woppo: Well, figuratively, yes.
Cara: What, so Jade gets a hi, but my sister and I don't? Favorites much? Jade: Eh, I'm sure she just noticed my innate awesomeness. Isabel: You're both ridiculous. Are we seriously ignoring that she claims to be a witch? And 15 years old from 1935? Jade, if you aren't practically doing my homework once we get home, this won't be worth it. Jade: You really think I'm gonna contradict a witch? Isabel: (sighs) No, but--dammit, Jade. If we're using that logic, then we should probably answer the witch's question. Cara: What was the question? Jade: She wanted to know how old we were, what we did, and what our books were about. Cara: I can work with that. I'm Cara, I range from 12 to 16 depending on where we are in the story, although I tend to be portrayed as 14 when the author is writing random bits, and the book is basically about me and Jade. Isabel's just kinda there. Isabel: Okay, that's an understatement. In any case, I'm Isabel, I go from 13 to 17, and my sister here already explained our book. But for the record, I am more than just there. I sometimes give words of wisdom, sometimes I make fun of them or kick their asses in video games, and neither of these two would have passed math if not for me. Just saying. Jade: Well, then I guess that just leaves me. Jade. 12 to 16. Same as what Cara said. Something neither of these two mentioned, though, is that our author really likes screwing around with the universe. There's one version where we have magic. We're not exactly time-traveling witches, though. Speaking of which, care to elaborate on that?
Vanna: Of course. I was actually born in 1920, but I had to escape to the 21st century with my mum when I was a year old, because there were dark wizards after our family. Last autumn, I got pulled back to the 1930s by a Returning Spell cast under protest by my friend Ophelia. So I spent an entire school year going undercover as an ordinary schoolgirl from the 1930s. I'd read plenty of books, so I could pull it off. Have you ever read the Chalet School? The Abbey School? Dimsie? They're simply topping. Ophelia: I'd like to emphasise that the Returning Spell in question brings a random person back to their own time. I was not specifically targeting Vanna. Jasmine: Get that thing away from me! Mina: Hallo, Vanna! Vanna: Hallo, Mina! What are you doing here? This is Mina, people. She's a Kindergartener from school, but she shares our dormy so we can help her with things. Mina: What's that? It's so ducky! *Snatches Frank from around Jasmine's ankles and throws her arms around him.* Vanna: Well. She... She does love animals. What actually happens in your book? I didn't mean to offend you, Cara, but there were too many people to name-check individually. And why is me being 15 in 1935 so hard to swallow?
Woppo: Well, it's good that she likes animals, because Frank is comprised of several. He's got duck feet, otter flippers, a beaver tail, the back half of a beaver and the front half of an otter, a duck's head and bill, cobra fangs on the back of his feet, and Hugh Jackman's teeth. He tends to snap a bit. Be generous and donate a few fingers if he's feeling hungry. Trixie: You're so funny! Woppo: What has that got to do with anything?
