Is the description of this character adequate?

This is the big reveal of a creepy crawly from my story.
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Spoiler: original version

Chuck freed the fire axe and brandished it overhead, hoping he appeared more fierce than terrified.

It didn’t matter; whatever was out there either didn’t recognize the axe as a threat or didn’t care. It charged, drumming out a hailstone rhythm on the shed’s floor. Pale, armored legs shot into view, more than Chuck could count—at least eight, maybe a dozen. They glistened with water, blood, and mottled pink reticulations that flared a lusty crimson as the creature approached. Each leg ended in a pair of barbed talons.

The creature was as tall as Chuck, with a flat, two-segment body somewhere between a spider and a crab. It actually reminded him of a giant spider crab he’d seen off the coast of Japan, only stouter and larger. Spread out, its legs would’ve spanned twelve feet, easy. Ice-pick spines erupted from the shell at arbitrary angles like a suit of sadistic medieval plate mail. Eight softball-sized orbs glinted on the thing's head and below them, two pairs of serrated mandibles clacked hungrily.

There were no pincers, but Chuck doubted that would make him any less dead when this thing finished up. His brain had pretty much shut down, but he did manage one last thought: if hell had spiders, this is what they’d look like.

The spider crab hesitated, waving a pair of spindly antennae in wild arcs. One brushed his cheek and halted there, vibrating against his skin—a lurid, predatory caress.
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Updated version:
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Concussive footfalls drew closer, ringing against the floor like a hammer on hot steel. They came slowly and deliberately, as if the creature knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

Chuck groped with his free hand, searching for a weapon, a door handle—anything, really.

Rectangular metal jutted from the wall—breaker box, probably. Beyond that lay nothing but corrugated steel. Then, like sunlight on a cloudy day, an unmistakable wooden handle met his reaching fingers.

Chuck freed the fire axe and brandished it overhead, hoping he appeared more fierce than terrified.

It didn’t matter. Whatever was out there either didn’t recognize the axe as a threat or didn’t care. Pale, armored legs clanked forward, glistening with water, blood, and mottled pink reticulations that pulsed a lusty crimson with each step. Eight black orbs gleamed from beneath the dagger-spined carapace, fixing Chuck with a cold, pupilless gaze. Below that, rows of insectile mouth parts busied themselves with a hunk of dripping flesh.

Chuck wondered what it would feel like when those jaws went to work on him. With a sort of hysterical irony, he realized this thing looked like a giant version of the spider crabs he’d eaten in Japan just last year. Karma, apparently, really was bitch.

Spindly antennae brushed his face in a lurid, predatory caress. The spider crab paused, seemed to consider, then charged, drumming out its hailstone rhythm on the rusted floor.

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1) Based on this passage, do you have a satisfactory image of the creature? It is one of the main antagonists, so this is important.

2) Actual spider crabs have very small bodies with very long legs. The spider crab in my book has a much larger body--man-sized. Do you think I should denote that or is it sufficiently implied?

3) Does the name "spider crab" work for you? It is supposed to put some goosebumps on your neck. If not, I need to change it.

Thanks for your input.

 

It works for me. (Depending on POV, I think you could maybe look at injecting more reaction to the scene, and maybe spread the description out, since possibly the POV character wouldn't see the whole critter all at the same time. But that's a separate issue!)

I think it's useful to remember that readers don't need to have exactly the same image of something/someone that you have, or that other readers have. This is a scary, giant-spidery creature with talons and spikes. Got it. If my giant-spidery creature is a bit longer or shorter or fatter or skinnier than you intended, does it really matter? It's still nasty!

 

I loved the 'hailstone drumming' which pretty much reproduces the sound this scuttling creature would make. However, I think you've packed too much into this descriptive passage. This is a man standing with an axe, presumably meeting a terrifying creature for the first time. A creature that is moving towards him very fast. The bolded bit is where I found myself slightly bogged down. You explain later that it's like a crab or spider, so we'll get it about the leg count. Right now what's important is that Chuck can't count them. I'd stop there. He's not going to be able to tell there is water, blood and mottled pink reticulations flaring lusty (?) crimson either. He's just going to get an impression of red, followed by (barbed) talons.

I have a slightly similar problem with the paragraph that follows. There is an awful lot of counting going on here :

Don't forget, you're filtering this impression through the eyes of a terrified man who is meeting this alien creature for the first time. If it was clacking towards YOU with great speed, would you be counting its eyes, mandibles, legs, the number of segments in its body and figuring out how many feet its legs would span? Hell no. You'd be thinking SHIT it's a giant spider crab and it's going to kill me. Or something along those lines. You might be looking for a vulnerable spot on the thing, so you could make an axe-stroke count, but I don't think you'd be waxing lyrical about mottled pink reticulations.

I'd just pare it down to what is Scaring the Shit out of Chuck here, and give us an overall impression, rather than a detailed description. This description would be fine if he were looking at it from behind tempered glass at a zoo, but not here. Not now.

 

Great description of a creature! @jannert has already given good advice, so I'll just mention one part.

This is the only thing I think is bad. Compared to the rest of the description it's really specific, and casual. I don't know that the MC would have time to imagine the creature spreading out, as he's getting charged. I think you need to keep Chuck's monologue description to first impressions only. The twelve feet thing implies he has time to imagine the creature in his head, as he's looking at it, and compare it to things. It implies slower, more careful though, which I don't think works here because the crab thing is charging him.

 

I'm going to throw my two cents in:

Yeah, I could picture the creature easily and, if I was into the horror-genre, I suppose it'd be scary (not to me but that's another story and no fault of yours ). However, I would like to add to @jannert 's good advice: pacing is off. This guy faces something which makes him fear for his life. For all he knows, the next moments will be the last of his life.

If it was me (but it isn't), I'd write something like that for the above paragraphs:

The thing facing him looked like something hell had spit up: A flat, two-segment body halfway between spider and crab, twelve-feet legs, ice-pick spines all over, a whole lot of orbs eyeing him, and two pairs of serrated mandibles, clacking hungrily. Yes, if hell had spiders, this was what they’d look like.

 

Yes, I like that paragraph, despite the counting. It works, because it's short, visual AND scary. It takes about as much time to read as it would to confront the creature. That makes it real-time rather than slowed-down time. Good pacing. And you've incorporated Chuck's inner reaction as well. All good.

 

1) Yes. I'd not want to meet it on a dark night.

2) I don't think you need to make any changes.

3) No, it doesn't give me goose bumps. But I'm not afraid of spiders, and I'm fascinated with marine life and would quite like to see a Giant Spider Crab, so perhaps I'm not the best person to answer that.

 

this would be a trick, would it?

 

You had me terrified at the part

Pale, armored legs shot into view, more than Chuck could count—at least eight, maybe a dozen.

I was already thinking "spider" before you said it. I think I have a pretty good idea of the creature, yes.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I've posted my updated version. The pacing observation was dead on.

 

@mrieder79 Regarding the updated version. Not sure how the thing would 'charge' with hailstone drumming feet when it's already within touching distance. Wouldn't it just leap onto Chuck and take a bite?

 

Yeah, I remember that story. I though it was fantastic.

 

yeah. True. I just liked the line so much I wanted to keep it. Guess I gotta choose between the two. Thanks.