Hello I am new in writing and started an erotic book I am struggling with the male perspective it is not that I can't make something up but because I overanalyze what people say in general,I don't want to give the wrong idea to my readers. I asked a few men about this topic but they were so laid back about it so I need to find someone who understands the perspective of a man who isn't that comfortable with the emotional and physical intimacy,somebody who values practicality and logic over their feelings.I am very much in my heart ,never been one to be in my head so can't really understand that perspective.Could anybody help so I can make my character seem as genuine as possible?
The Spock character from Star Trek comes to mind, but you wouldn't expect to meet someone like that in real life so I wouldn't describe him as a realistic character. The character could be generally shy, and particularly so with women. At the prospect of a close relationship he could become emotionally overwhelmed and seize up. Inexperience could easily result in a lack of confidence, fear of failure, and fear of embarrassment. He could be a particularly private person who doesn't want to share personal details with others. The issue isn't so much a lack of feelings or prioritising logic over feelings, it's inability to deal with the feelings he has and then falling back on what he is confident doing.
Anyone remember the Pon Farr ? I don't think you can go wrong counting on some advice I'd once heard, to paraphrase age appropriately, 'Males are completely preoccupied with their one body part that reacts but can't think.' Striving for accuracy is good, but is this a formal report? Write what you know, and the reader can fill in the rest! Best.
Why is the guy is uncomfortable with emotional and physical intimacy? Is it because of past trauma? Was his father emotionally closed-off? Does he have a weird looking penis? I'll bet it's because he has a weird looking penis. I mean let's be honest, 99% of all our sexual anxieties are because of that damn thing between our legs. Flabby butt cheeks? No problem. Lack of any muscle definition whatsoever? Eh, I could be an Old Navy model. Penis is shaped like a ? = Life is over.
Maybe performance anxiety, and anxiety in general. Smothered by mum, shy around girls, when he did get sexual with a girl, it went wrong, premature ejaculation maybe, the girl did not respond well, he felt humiliated. So he now avoids emotional stimuli because it increases his anxiety. He is too fearful of a relationship because he fears more humiliation. This does not mean is he not attractive. He could also be talented, a musician for example.
This is an extremely broad topic. Far too broad really. Are you talking about men in general, the fact that they often tend to be less emotional than women, or are you looking for something more specific? Like for instance the fact that conditions like social anxiety or complex PTSD can case a person to shy away from any form of emotional contact with others? Of course that's true for women as well as men. On the general sex differences thing, there are structural brain differences that result in women in general being more involved in emotions and relationship and men tending more toward problem solving and mechanical aptitude. I like the way they work together, so a man and a woman when together sort of address each other's weaknesses. There's also the major difference that men must grow up to be protectors, laborers, fighters etc, while traditionally women were the ones being protected while they raise the children. That's a lot more than just social conventions, it's programmed in biologically. It makes sense, since men have far more upper body strength and testosterone etc, making them more suited to the roles of protectors and fighters and laborers. So they're raised in such a way as to get in touch with their masculinity (in traditional societies, and until recent times everywhere) in order to be able to perform these necessary tasks with courage and fortitude. A huge part of that is the ability to overcome emotions when necessary. And if they're brought up to be overly tough and masculine (leaning toward toxic masculinity) it damages them psychologically and they might lose touch with the gentler emotions in order to reduce vulnerability. I liken it to Karate training--practitioners toughen up their hands by repeatedly slamming stiffened fingers against boards, bricks and walls and into boxes of sand. It thickens and toughens the skin, causes calluses, deadens the nerves, and causes micro-fractures in the finger bones. And as we all know, a broken bone grows back thicker and stronger, so eventually, when the bones have been fractured and healed in enough places you have super-tough fingers capable of destroying the opponent. Of course, you'll never be a great violinist or pencil artist. You have to sacrifice all that fine motor control and delicacy of touch to develop the sheer strength and toughness in its place. But this can apply to women as well as to men. Traditionally of course it was predominantly men who toughened themselves up due to the need for them to be soldiers and hard laborers and protectors of the family. But there have always been women who lean that way as well. I suppose I need to reiterate the thing that needs to be kept in mind in these kinds of conversations (about the differences between men and women). Some of them are biological, but in many cases it's also a matter of how masculine or how feminine an individual is. Let me see if I can find something I wrote some time back and re-post it here, it's extremely relevant. Here it is (there's some repetition of things i already said above): There are masculine women and feminine men. A man with strong feminine traits will talk/write like a female, more concerned with connection and emotions and sensitivity etc. A masculine female will come across like a man—headstrong, maybe physically powerful, less concerned about the feelings of others etc. It's important to keep in mind when people talk about 'men and women' they're really talking about masculine and feminine traits, which can be distributed in unexpected ways. I've known women who come across like linebackers and men you'd swear were females. I mean, speaking of Mary Shelley, take a look at her husband Percy Bysshe Shelley and many of the other Romantic poets, who wrote about how sensitive they were, how exquisite their feelings were, and fantasized about being passive empty vessels being strummed like a lyre by emotions and sensations. Here's a portrait of Percy Shelley: And of Mary Shelley: So it's really not enough to just talk about the differences between men and women, but it makes a lot more sense to talk about masculinity and femininity as it manifests in various men and women. It may be a little more complicated than that, since male and female brains are different. I'm not sure how this works in more feminine males and more masculine females. But it does make sense that the masculine and feminine traits are different in the ways they are, since males and females complement (complete) each other. Together they form a more complete whole, addressing each others' weaknesses. The masculine traits make for excellent warriors, hunters, problem-solvers and protectors, while the feminine traits create connection and emotional development in the family. Both totally necessary and complementary to each other (rather than opposed to).
Wow you are right it is a broad subject and yes I was looking for something more specific,but the information you gave me made me realize to why I struggled so much on the matter. You completely blew my mind. It also made me realize how narrow minded I am when it comes to people's perspective and that I live in a bubble. I also want to get a bit more specific though. Imagine a guy and honestly this is not stereotypical so he is not shy,he is actually very outgoing,very determined,very decisive but also very cautios of his surroundings and weary of what people say of his interactions with other people maybe even potential love interests because that will interfere with the things that he has to do whether it's work,study,free time ,whatever that he is focusing on doing,mind you he doesn't care what other people think and also really doesn't like getting involved in other's personal problems or other types of problems purely because of his priorities,needs etc,however what I really wanted to know how is it that a person like that doesn't get so easy swayed by love , maybe as an over emotional woman I wouldn't be able to understand that but I would like to try just for the sake of giving my character his own real story even if it is from my own imagination. Thank you for your previous reply.I hope that clears up what I am looking for.
That would actually make sense, I mean I want my character to be confident,but what if he is just wearing a mask?
It is not really related to Trauma, but it will be related to pressure, pressure in any way that it could bring self doubt,but definitely not because of body issues. This character is average looking,but definitely beautiful in every way,faults and all. This character will also get a lot of flattering comments from other characters,male and women,friends or just side characters.
Ok, that does narrow it down. Actually you sort of did say it already, but now I can see more specifically what you mean. I can think of a few different possible reasons. Maybe he's been hurt in love before, possibly several times? He might actually be a person who tends to give himself up too much in a relationship, and when he does he becomes too vulnerable, so he's learned to be wary and hold back. Or maybe he really is just more logical and reasoning and doesn't really have deep access to emotions. According to Carl Jung we all deal with the world predominantly through either thinking or feeling. Whichever one a person uses habitually, the other one will recede and can even become repressed (sink out of sight to a large extent). And a lot of men do deal with things more through logic and reason than emotions. A person who does that can start to see the opposite as silly or trivial or even immature or a sign of weakness. But not always, just at the extremes. In fact somebody who uses reason and logic might be afraid of emotions and feelings. Experiencing them, especially if they're really strong, might feel threatening. If he values independence and feels that he has fought hard and won his independence form his parents and become a self-reliant person, he might not like the idea of submitting to emotions that seem threatening to his independence. Not just falling in love, but even allowing somebody in to the secret center of his emotional vulnerability might be extremely frightening, and something he can't do easily. Maybe something he hasn't done since he was a child. There are people who value security and people who value freedom. Those who value freedom can see love as a possible trap, maybe not necessarily because the woman wants to trap him, at least not consciously. But he might feel like there's a powerful existential threat to his hard-won freedom and independence in opening up and allowing something as uncontrollable as feelings to take over his destiny. To some people feelings and emotions seem like uncontrollable roller coasters, only you don't know if it's going to bring you back safely to solid ground or take you up really high and then smash you down into a parking lot filled with broken glass and tangled masses of barbed wire.
There is so much insight thank you so so much. This breaks down a lot of things and makes everything a lot easier for the whole character development process , especially when it comes to a point of view and hopefully my readers will be open to try to get to know this character.
I thought about what I said about people who value security and those who value freedom and I realized it doesn't matter. If he values security he could see love as a threat to his security.
So does that mean the fact that even though he could be aware of his feelings or maybe even his confusion about certain feelings would make him rather inclined to reject the idea of a relationship or is it just because he knows falling in love with someone,anyone could just turn his life upside down? Hang on does that mean that any character could be a potential love interest for him? If yes that is another reason among the other reasons listed by you above to why he would be so guarded. I am confused, but then again I started to get it you don't really get to choose who you fall in love with but you do get to choose who you get to know,after all love is unpredictable and that can be scary for some people I suppose.
I hope I didn't just confuse the issue with that talk about valuing freedom and valuing security. Forget about all that, it's a non-issue. I mean, it is important, it's a fundamental difference between two very different kinds of people, but it doesn't really have a bearing on the particular issues we're talking about. I started to write more here, but I'm going to send it as a PM instead. It gets a little personal.
No that part wasn't confusing sorry if I went on a rant there it is just it got me thinking. I like analyzing things like that and then I end up overanalyzing.Also what does PM stand for if you don't mind?
To be honest, this sounds like a guy who is driven and egotistical -- a guy who would be more interested in serial one-night stands than in a relationship.
