1. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

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    Completely offensive sentence needs a grammar check

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by doggiedude, Aug 19, 2016.

    I think this sentence needs a comma or two ... maybe even a hyphen. It's totally offensive. If it makes you feel any better, the character doesn't fair well in the end.

    Now the site had clean bathrooms complete with those extra large family style rooms where faggots could suck each other off or those weirdos who didn’t know if they were male or female could take a leak.
     
  2. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Contributor

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    Depending on the flow of the surrounding content, I might very well leave it as is. At the most, I'd throw a comma in before "or those weirdos..."
     
  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    AP Style says extra-large wants a hyphen. I tend to by hyphen-happy so I have to look those things up. :) Other than that, I agree with @Steerpike, maybe a comma after the or he mentions.
     
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  4. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    What @Steerpike said. Could be seen as syntactically ambiguous otherwise( I think ). The weirdos might find themselves getting a blow job when all they went in for was a pee!
     
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  5. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Reads fine to me as it is, but would also read fine with a hyphen and comma. Depends what effect you're going for - I use these comma-less sentences when the speaking/narrating character is under some type of stress or high emotion, to give that breathless effect.
     
  6. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

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    The extra large / extra-large I was fairly sure the hyphen should be in there but wanted to make sure. As for commas, I'm usually guessing at those but I think I'll go with your suggestion.

    Thanks
     
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  7. Oscar Leigh

    Oscar Leigh Contributor Contributor

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    Agreed on all counts!!
     
  8. christinacantwrite

    christinacantwrite Member

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    I (a person with dyslexia who struggles with reading) struggled to read that. A comma before the "or" would help a lot. I like commas.

    So basically, "what they said".
     
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  9. JLT

    JLT Contributor Contributor

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    Try this:

    "Now the site had clean bathrooms complete with those extra-large family-style rooms where faggots could suck each other off, or where those weirdos who didn’t know if they were male or female could take a leak.
     
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  10. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Aunt? Supporter Contributor

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    As above, and I just wanted to say I loved the thread title. :)
     
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  11. Spencer1990

    Spencer1990 Contributor Contributor

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    Just a something to consider. Obviously, this could be wrong because of the context of your story but it would make the sentence much shorter and probably eliminate the comma question. Take this with a grain of salt.

    "Now the site had clean bathrooms complete with those extra large family style rooms where faggots could suck each other off or those weirdo trannies (or whatever other term) could take a leak."

    Just a suggestion.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2016
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  12. Sack-a-Doo!

    Sack-a-Doo! Contributor Contributor

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    If commas are used to clarify meaning, it doesn't need any. If you're using them to indicate speech patterns, it will depend on the character's delivery.
     
  13. Oscar Leigh

    Oscar Leigh Contributor Contributor

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    I think the main thing is commas for rhythm and neatness, but also some meaning issues for some people.
     
  14. Lea`Brooks

    Lea`Brooks Contributor Contributor

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    Am I the only weirdo who thinks there should be a comma after rooms? o_O
     
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  15. christinacantwrite

    christinacantwrite Member

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    Nah I thought that too, but I tend to shower commas everywhere so I didn't say so...
     
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  16. Spencer1990

    Spencer1990 Contributor Contributor

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    You're not alone. I had the same thought but I'm not comfortable enough with my own grammar to offer that kind of advice. :p
     
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