I find it pretty hard to boil down my story to a couple of sentences strong enough to entice a reader to dive in. I'd like to know what's wrong with the following blurb: Eddie Sterling would not really be a guy you want to read about, were it not for him accidentally selling his soul over a car. When the local nun informs him of this mishap, he embarks on a quest to rectify the mistake, even though he hasn’t a clue on how to go about it. His best friend, Rob Rooney, doesn’t either, but they’re not letting something as trivial as not having a clue stop them. Why would they, when there is a soul, a car, and the remote possibility for the love of a beautiful girl on the line? Together, they adventure their way past ostriches, lawyers, chicken legs, and insurance agents, because if the Devil screws you out of your soul, you stop at nothing to get it back. (131) Or, on the off chance it's good, I wouldn't mind hearing that.
A few suggestions. I'm not fully convinced about the "for the fact" that I added in blue, it might work better without that. I'm just trying to smooth it out a little and cut out some wordiness and repetition I don't think it needs—Blurb it down a bit more I guess: Eddie Sterling would not really be isn't a guy you'd want to read about, were it not for him accidentally selling his soul over a car. except for the fact that he lost his soul to the Devil for a car. When the local nun informs him of this mishap he learns this, he embarks on a quest to rectify the mistake, even though he hasn’t got a clue on how to go about it. His best friend, Rob Rooney, doesn’t either, but they’re not letting something as so trivial as not having a clue stop them. Why would they, when there's is a soul, a car, and the remote possibility for the love of a beautiful girl on the line? Together, they adventure their way past ostriches, lawyers, chicken legs, and insurance agents, because if the Devil screws you out of your soul, you stop at nothing to get it back. And looking at it now, I want to strike out "When he learns this" as well.
I was straining to get it above 100 because I was led to believe the average blurb is somewhere between 100 and 200 words. Ah. I kinda wanted the accidental part. I believe it would sort of convey the ridiculousness of the situation. It's not exactly a serious book we're talking about. "Dude, who sells their soul for a car?" is a recurring theme. I don't disagree, necessarily, but I'm curious as to why you'd cut this. Several sites suggested the stakes of the story should be clear, and the beautiful girl-thing feels even more out of the blue like this. Oh, and the local nun had to go too? Damn. She'll be kind of important later, but saying more might tip it into spoiler territory...
Like I said, just suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em as you please, or modify freely. But think about the idea that with that stuff cut out (much of which sounded either a bit clunky or over-wordy to me) you can add a new sentence or two. Because you had just said it, except for the girl. It felt really redundant to me. Almost like writing 'My friend John came over yesterday and we drank some beer. And after my friend John came over and we drank the beer yesterday, then we played video games.' (OK, not quite that bad, I'm exaggerating a bit for effect).
I would argue to specifically keep the accidentally line as it is, @Bakkerbaard, or at least keep in the word "accidentally." When I read it, my first instinct was a question "How do you ACCIDENTALLY sell your soul to the devil over a car?" That specific word made it work for me. Just like a hook in a book, it brought up the itch of wanting to read in order to find out. Simply telling me the fact of him selling his soul to the devil feels more like the back of a DVD plot explanation. Apart from trimming a few of the words, I don't necessarily think there is much wrong with it, either. The worst thing is repeating the mentioning of his soul getting sold to the devil. With succinctness aforethought in these quick blurbs, repetition of information is your enemy. That's why I'm in total agreement when Xoic crossed out is a soul, a car, and the remote possibility for the love of Get the girl in, but not the repeating of the soul and car. Having a go myself, I think you might be beating yourself up a bit. I couldn't manage less than 5 sentences either. Sometimes a summary needs to get key points across. How do you accidentally sell your soul over a car? That's the question a local nun asks Eddie Sterling when she informs him of his mishap. Without a clue as to how to get it back, Eddie and his best mate Rob Rooney don't let such a trivial problem like that stop them. Together, they adventure their way past ostriches, chicken legs, lawyers, and insurance agents - some that might've actually come from hell. And with the affections of a beautiful girl added on top, the devilish complications begin mounting as Eddie attempts to avoid eternal damnation. (red might make it overly wordy, but hell... (haha) ... it keeps up the light comedic tone.) I tried to get in a couple more hell/devil/damnation mentions because with my editing I found it hard to wedge in the "Devil screws you out of your soul, you stop at nothing to get it back." Don't get me wrong, I like how punchy it is to end on. I think what made me question that line was you went out of your way to list a bunch of hindrances, distractions or sidetracks to Eddie and Rob's buddy-buddy comedy journey, but then it ends with that line hinting at a single-mindedness that seems to suggest that they don't care about the sidetracks. It's a REALLY minor quibble, so take it with a pinch of salt. But at the end of the day, looking back at my own version, it's still not much of an improvement aside from a few trimmed repeating words/references. So yours looks pretty good. Feel free to take anything from mine if you want, but it's just food for thought really. You got the light-hearted comedic tone over very well, and it sounds like a fun, intriguing story.
Well, damn. I did. And then I neglected to properly re-read my blurb. This does not bode well. I am now, too. It's not a deal-breaker anyway. Everything beyond line one is just me struggling to get enough words. I thought that might be important. If I take step back and look at it, the story is pretty straightforward. When you read "guy sells soul", the rest of it becomes a little trivial to mention in a blurb.
I really like the line "When the Devil screws you out of your soul, you stop at nothing to get it back." That's almost a tagline for the whole story in one pithy sentence. I also agree that the accidental needs to remain in place.
