This is a part of my novel, and I am not sure if I have used the correct formatting for the speech. if it is wrong please show me how to correct it. Thank you. “Any artichokes today m’lady?” chirped the enthusiastic voice of Aldo the grocer, from behind his wooden cart. “No thank you.” replied Kyna kindly as she carried on. “I gots some fresh ‘matos too if yer interested. I swear down I ain’t licked em’ this time.” he shouted after her. Kyna considered. “You know what Aldo, I’ll take them.” she said as she turned around. “How much do they cost? “Make an offer m’lady.” “Here” Kyna replied as she gave Aldo fifty gold coins and her silver pendant. “I’ve got a feeling I won’t be needing these things anymore.” “B.. a.. are you sure m’lady, thank you, so much, i mean…” Aldo stammered as Kyna walked off. He watched her turn the corner to library square. “Won’t be needin’ ‘em no more. Whats that all about?” Aldo muttered as he packed away his vegetable cart for the last time.
\\ Couples of thing 1.) Remember punctuation before tags. (I've added necessary above.) 2.) Not all dialogue needs a tag. But when you do use a tag, one tag is enough. 3.) Best to keep your verb to said with a SPARSE use of other speaking verbs. I've marked them above in green. Ex. "stammered" above. The dialogue is written to show the stammer...no need to restate it. 4.) You've got a few points with "as" which are unnecessary --someone can just say things. action doesn't need to be paired with dialogue or vice versus. I've marked some omissions in red above. Dialect seems ok...though I'm a bit concerned with the phrase 'matos...more familiar with tomaters maters etc. Usually a drop of the first syllable accompanies an adding of the "er" but that's just me. -Sid
Here are my corrections to the punctuation, marked in bold. Forms of address (m'lady) should be separated from the main sentence with a comma/commas. Hypothetical questions are still questions and need question marks. Speech tags are separated from the quote with a comma, as done above--unless it's a question, then the question mark is fine. I can't say I'm familiar with this kind of dialect. I'm an American from the Midwest, where no one says m'lady or swear down, but that's not to say other regions don't. I also agree with @sidtvicious that you' don't need the "as" phrases.
Just some feudal etiquette- you use m'lady or m'lord if you're a peasant addressing a titled individual. If you are commissioned yourself (i.e. a baron's daughter) then you use milady or milord. Peasants use m' Posh people use mi Just a pointer.
Does Aldo know Kyna is the queen? If he does he'd probably address her with more formality, and refer to her as 'your majesty/highness', at least at first. But of course it depends on what time-frame/world your story is set it. This is just a personal thing, but I find written accents (eg. yer in place of your) tedious to read. If you wrote 'he said in a xx accent' at the beginning of the dialogue, that would be better imo.
He knows she's queen but they know each other well. It's complicated. The reader does not yet know she is queen, so saying your highness would give it away.
In that case, you would refer to her as Your Grace. People tend to jump to Your Majesty but when addressing the Queen as a servant Your Grace is much more formal. But since it's a novel, I'd just use whatever sounds best.
