1. Nesrin

    Nesrin Member

    Feb 23, 2021
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    A discovery of Witches/Lord of the Rings

    Critique/advice needed. Plot outline: Valkyries Cry

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Nesrin, Aug 11, 2021.

    So I am going to preface this by saying that this is the first draft. Yes, there may be cliched plot points but that is why I am asking for someone to look over it and give me their opinion. This is meant to be for a webcomic. I hope you enjoy it.

    Initial crime: Takes place fourteen years before the main story plot.
    When the main character was 12 years old, her mother was targeted by an international syndicate, and a kill order was placed for the lives of both. Returning from school, CALYPSO walks in on her mom being held down and is knocked out with an injection. Shortly after a fire is started to dispose of the evidence. As the hit squad left, Brutus runs into the house and rescues the Calypso, laying her unconscious body to be found by first responders. Fleeing from the same people who killed Carl's mom, Brutus disappears for the next four years.
    That same night police received a call by a false ‘concerned citizen’ that a man was seen fleeing the scene, a gas can in hand. As the autopsy was conducted the coroner found that the cause of death was a gunshot to the head and the body had signs of torture prior to death. However, after recording it the file was deleted and replaced with a false report stating that the cause of death was asphyxiation. That next day the coroner reported to his boss what happened and resubmitted his original finding only to have it ‘corrected’ again. Shortly after he was fired due to falsified charges and discredited. Understanding what was happening the coroner fled the country.
    During the trial for her mother's death, Calypso’s testimony was discarded due to the false multiple witnesses reports the prosecution presented to the court, and the scapegoat was sentenced to prison. Shortly after he was killed in a prison riot.

    With no other place to go Calypso is sent to live with her affluent father and his family. Due to her status as a bastard child, she is abused by her family members to the point where she is given permanent scars. When she turns 14 she waits for a day where the family is gone and steals whatever she can, running away to start her new life. A few months later she is caught stealing from a store and is brought to a police station. As she is put into the system the syndicate who had ordered her moths death two years prior becomes notified and they begin a plan to erase her from existence, in order to complete the original job. Crooked officers, under the guise of taking her back to her father, place Calypso into a false police vehicle and drive her to the docks where she is given to human traffickers and sold as a slave. In this, her whole existence is erased.
    While Calypso was going through her own trials Brutus had been dealing with his own struggles. Following his act of retaliation, the Black Syndicate issued a kill order and he had to go underground. While in hiding, he began to unravel the mystery behind the kill order for Calypso and her mother, leading to the discovery that the current government is nothing more than a puppet government, led by the Black Syndicate and its seven clans. He begins to recruit members to join his own clan and they begin to take apart the dark web that has settled over the country. All the while he keeps tabs on Calypso, and when she disappears he becomes dedicated to finding her.
    Within the following year, Calypso is used as a labor slave for various families and is forced to become dependent on drugs. Nine months after she is sold she is found by Brutus (she doesn't know who he is) and he gives her a choice. She can stay where she is and rot to death, or she can take his hand and live. Choosing to live she is taken to Brutus’ home where she is registered as his daughter and given a false identity. He tells her that he is the head of a crime syndicate and that when the time comes she will be given a choice but until then she is free to live her life however she wants as his daughter.
    For two years she lives with Brutus oblivious to the fact that he was the man who rescued her, and to the fact that his mission is to take down the organization that ordered her mother's death. And within those two years, Calypso remains distant from those around her. Unsure of who to trust.
    On her seventeenth birthday, Brutus brings Calypso to the ruins of her old home and tells her everything. Who he is, the plot behind her mother's death. Everything and gives her a choice. She can get her revenge or she can continue living her life. She would be maintained and looked after but she can never meddle in the affairs of the clan, and she can never pursue her mother's death. She chooses revenge and Brutus makes a deal with her. As she is now she is not capable of enacting her revenge. He tells her that in order for her to start down that path she must enter the clan’s lowest ranks and work her way up to one of the four horsemen, the inner court of the clan. Only then can she begin to get her revenge.
    In the next four years, Calypso worked on rising up the ranks. She learned combat, stealth, and evasion tactics. She was taught politics, economics, different languages, and basic first aid. She took job after job and proved herself time and time again until she was finally appointed the code name VALKYRIE, one of the four horsemen.
    Following her appointment she begins to do darker jobs for the clan, having to now kill people who are found guilty of atrocious crimes. On one such job a child is killed and, affected by the death, Calypso withdraws from those around her. On Calypso's 21st birthday Brutus brings her once more to the ruins of her old home and presents her with another choice. She could continue to finally start her path of revenge or she could leave it all behind. He explains that things will not get any better from that moment on and innocent people will get hurt. If she can’t live with that she should stop. So that is what she does.
    As the official story begins, it has been two years since she was an active member within the syndicate, however, she does odd jobs here and there for the money. One day she gets a call from Brutus saying that he found the coroner who did her mother's autopsy and that if she agreed to be his bodyguard for a few hours he would tell her his findings, and what happened in exchange for a new life. After if she wants to move on the information she can come and see Brutus. She takes the job to see what happens but arriving at the hotel she finds the man dead. His body showing signs of being tortured prior to his death. Shortly after police arrive and catch her trying to leave the room, arresting her on the spot for a murder.

    The murder of the coroner is enough to have her rejoin Brutus and the syndicate in order to use their resources, but by doing so the autonomy she had spent two years building would crumble and she would once again have to enter the life of orders and questionable deeds. She manages to make a deal with Brutus where she would return to the syndicate with the promise that when she finds the true culprits behind her mother's murder she gets to leave again. He agrees but realizes that if she decided to pursue the truth then a target would be placed on her back. He decided to secretly appoint a bodyguard from outside the immediate clan (male lead)

    So there are so much more ideas after this however this is the beginning. What do you think? Does it pique your interest? What are some turnoff points? What is cliched? What can I do better?
  2. making tracks

    making tracks Active Member

    Jan 1, 2017
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    It's an interesting idea and cloak and dagger clans are always fun. I do have some questions about plot points though

    - why don't the syndicate kill Calypso after she was found by first responders / during the court case? Presumably they have the reach.

    - why didn't they kill her when they had another chance instead of selling her into slavery?

    - if Brutus knew she was in danger why didn't he take her with him the night her mother died?

    - do we get to see any of what Brutus's clan is up to in the meantime? Do we see what kind of intrigue they are involved in?

    - I think she needs a couple of good things to happen to her in those intervening years too. Maybe as she has phases as she works her way up the ranks where she feels she fits in and enjoys what she does. Maybe she manages to make a friend. Or anything really - it's just that having her have ten years of relentless bad things gets a bit wearing and it loses its effect (or becomes a bit of a 'misery memoir').

    - I think you need to be realistic about how much space it will take up to write all of this into the story. You say it's the beginning but it's already very complex - which is fine - but something to keep in mind.

    Hope this helps!
    Nesrin likes this.

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