Logline Help

I recently tried describing what I want my newest story to be about. I had the general idea, characters, and conflict in mind, but when I went on to describe the story, it turned into several paragraphs of backstory and a paragraph vaguely describing some conflict in the story. I was advised to write a logline for the story to work out what this story--not backstory--is really about. Below is my first real attempt. I'm hoping to get some feedback in terms of how I can improve it and does it catch your interest. Thank you, and I hope this is the right section to post this.

An apprentice slayer must stumble through a chaotic web of vampire politics after her twin brother goes missing during the rise of apparent vampire attacks in rural North Carolina.

 

What jumps out at me is the lack of names for the mc or her brother.

 

Loglines generally don't have names, because they won't mean anything to the listener/reader yet. The purpose is to be as brief as possible and names are usually a waste of words.

 

I think it sounds good! I have the same tendency of rambling about backstory but not much on the present actual book, but I'm learning. I saw something that challenged to basically do an intentionally bad logline and so I did. Now it kinda stuck, but I think it did help a lot being able to sum up in one sentence the essential plot of the book.

 

I think you might want a bit more about "the rise of apparent vampire attacks" part. I'm not sure what that "more" should be as I don't know your story, but that part seemed a bit flat, to me.

(then again, I don't really understand loglines, so maybe this is perfect as is)