Basically, re-evaluating a screenplay I'm writing while I'm about 60 pages in. It's supposed to be in a very similar style to Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm not quite sure if I'm going in the right direction, but I wanted some advice. Keep in mind, I have to be cognizant of page count. No more than 120, max. So, here's my original idea, and then some iterations: Original: A man (Jack), and his ex-wife, Zoey run into each other during the zombie apocalypse. We start out showing Jack and his two friends, Mick and Staci, killing zombies while hunting down a bounty, since they're bounty hunters. When we first meet Zoey, it's with her lover, Andy. A warlord and his men break into their house, and take their dog, Gunner, holding him as collateral until the pair can secure and deliver an item for him by stealing it. She ends up stealing it, and the person she steals it from happens to be Jack's boss. So Jack and his friends get the job, not knowing one of the bounties is his ex-wife. They, of course, meet up, and that's when Zoey reveals that Gunner, their old dog, has been taken. So Jack is forced to betray his boss, another powerful warlord, in order to help deliver the item, and get their dog back. I tried to give most of the characters some good backstories and motivations. Jack feels abandoned. After Zoey left him (the opening scene of the screenplay), there's no one around. He's all alone for quite some time. When he does find people? They either betray him, or die off. So there's no permanent relationships for him, and that just echoes his experience when Zoey left, taking Gunner with her. Zoey feels powerless. After not being able to stop the warlord from taking Gunner, and subsequently being blamed by Jack for allowing it to happen, she feels like she's not taken seriously. Mick is a tortured soul. After his wife and daughter were bitten by zombies at the start of the apocalypse, in order to stop them from dying a slow and agonizing death, and become zombies, he has to kill them. He later learns that they would neither have died, nor become zombies, so I killed them for nothing. He feels he has nothing to live for, so the whole zombie apocalypse thing is just one big game to him. Andy has anger issues. Nothing too crazy here. It got him into a lot of trouble before the apocalypse (he was in prison when it all began, but managed to escape), and he hopes Buddhism can help guide the way to managing his anger. ____________ Now, here are some of the problems I'm having with this: while Jack supposedly feels alone, he's been with his friends for a while now. It's not like he just met them. If he was going to have the "they're not anywhere" moment, it probably would have been a while ago. Also, a big part of Jack's character is that he listens to music so that he has some human voices to listen/talk/sing to. If he wasn't actually alone, why would he still be doing this? The music is a non-negotiable. It sets the mood for the entire story, no matter which iteration I do. Likewise, Zoey feels powerless. Because she is powerless. Why would this warlord steal her dog, and make her steal the item from another warlord, rather than someone who isn't inept? Doubt he'd pick someone at random, and trust them with such an important item (it's VERY important). ____________ Those are the two main characters. While the others are important, and help with the total group dynamic, Jack and Zoey really need to be convincing. The others' motivations/backstories could be done in just a single scene. I have a couple ideas for some alternatives: Instead of Mick being the big showman who had to kill his wife and daughter, I've thought of making Jack the one that had to kill his daughter (but not Zoey), which I think may give a solid reason for him and Zoey growing apart (she blames him), and he has a solid reason for both feeling alone/incomplete (lost his child), as well as a reason to fight (doesn't want to let down his family/friends again). In this case, though, I'm not sure how him and Zoey would run into each other. And without Gunner, I'm not so sure whatever the warlord could hold over Jack's head to convince him to betray his boss would be as powerful (or as sympathetic to audiences) as his dog. That said, as I mentioned earlier in this paragraph, I do think it better explains his feelings of aloneness. But then that makes me think of Mick. He's kinda a fucked-up dude, a big prankster with a silver tongue, and he's pretty sick. I mean, he's not just all about business. No. When he kills a zombie, that thing is going to be chopped into pieces. There's a part that I particularly enjoy (don't ask why, lol) where he cuts off a dude's hand. When the dude surrenders, and they let him go, he goes to pick up his hand, and Mick says, "drop it, that one's mine." It's never explicitly said what he does with it, but I kinda like the sociopathic edge to the character. And it's made possible by the trauma, by the guilt, and not having anything to live for anymore. If I give that to Jack instead, Mick couldn't be that character, and I don't want Jack to be. I don't want to eliminate any of these characters outright. I like the whole ex-wife angle, as well as her new lover, Jack's love interest, and the prankster fifth wheel. And I find that five people is usually a great number of people when it comes to subplots. I'm just having tons of trouble figuring out the plot, and would really like some insight. I've tried getting some feedback on other places, like Reddit, but never gotten any responses on this piece, probably because people don't want to read 58 pages.
Which two? You've just discussed Jack, Zoey, Mick, and Andy. And what about Staci? Is she just window dressing? Why did Mick believe that his wife and daughter would become zombies if that wasn't the case?
No, I just haven't quite figured out Staci yet. But sorta like how in the Guardians of the Galaxy, there's 5 "main" characters, but Quill and Gamora are clearly THE main characters. And Mick believed that simply because most people did. I mean, it's in every show, movie, and book about zombies. I'd assume that most people would think they'd turn if bit, until they learn otherwise.
And maybe instead of having to kill them because he THINKS bites turn people, but they don't, maybe they DO turn people if spread far enough, and because of his failure to do what was necessary (maybe cut an arm off), his daughter turns into a zombie, and he couldn't bring himself to kill her. I dunno.
While replying to someone that answered this same question on Reddit, here's what I'm thinking now. I would love to hear your thoughts! One way I've thought about still allowing Jack to be carefree is to eliminate the whole "feeling alone" thing entirely. I honestly just shoehorned that in there because I felt like if I didn't give a "reason" Jack needed to listen to music, I couldn't really get away with including a ton of music in my screenplays (I understand why it's taboo, but I'm adamant about at least including them for readability and tone). In this scenario, Jack and Zoey still break-up, but with the explicit reason that he's a loser who has nothing going for him. When the apocalypse hits, for Jack it's...a breath of fresh air. No worrying about rent, or being fired, or not being in control of his destiny. Sure, he still works (bounty hunting), but he takes the jobs he wants, has total control over how he handles them, and he has no one there telling him he needs to do this, or that, or work at certain times, or anything like that. Sorta that sense of freedom you feel after a long-overdue breakup. Maybe Jack's want is to continue with his carefree lifestyle, but what he NEEDS is to open up his heart, and sacrifice a bit of autonomy so he can be with the woman he loves (Staci). His last relationship made him scared to do so, but that's ultimately what he needs to become "complete." I dunno if that works, but I think it may be a way to tell a more grounded story (despite the screenplay being absurd), and one that is more personal to me (got out of a 6.5 year relationship in December). It also would allow me to keep Mick as a solid character. Sure, they're both carefree to a point, but they show it in massively different ways. Jack is now ENJOYING his life, whereas Mick doesn't care if his ends.
I seriously love this. It's cool, it makes sense to me, and the motivations are believable. Would 100% consume this piece of media. I don't know if it's what you were thinking, but Jack betraying his boss for his dog feeds into his feeling alone, as he's willing to sacrifice relative safety to get back his old pet who, I'm assuming, genuinely loved him. As to why Zoey is chosen, you could write in a multitude of reasons. Maybe she's pretty decent at thievery when she wants to be. Or she might already have connections with people under the rival warlord. Expanding on that, you could write it that he specifically wants Zoey to exploit Jack into helping her steal the item, depending on how high up in the hierarchy Jack is. Now, speaking from a bit of experience from my high school days, It's entirely possible to be surrounded by friends and still feel alone. Even if they're his friends, Jack could be holding a large aspect of his personality back so they won't turn him away (What I did), which would end up in him feeling like they don't really know him, so haven't really accepted the "real" Jack, and so aren't truly his friends. That's one of the ways, or it could be that he's hiding a secret about the warlord that changes a whole bunch of stuff (Super vague, sorry) that he could never tell anyone, so he's alone in that respect. When someone feels alone, it doesn't mean that they're physically alone, it means that they're mentally alone. If that makes any sense. If you're looking for something grounded that makes Jack want to listen to music, you could go a bit generic and have him listen to music to hold onto his past life. It's so common for people to choose to lose themselves in their own pasts rather than move forward, because retreating to the past is easy. It'd be perfectly understandable for Jack to use music as an escape from the present hell into the moderately better past. You could also use this reasoning to further explain why he's so willing to betray his warlord for his dog. He would use that as another way to try and reclaim the past that he's lost, as well as just general love for a pet. If you want to make him a bit more flawed, you could also have him secretly want to use this event to leverage getting back together with Zoey, just so he can get back a little bit more of what he lost. Either way, I love this whole concept.
I'm glad you like it. That said, I'll probably change it just a bit. Here's what I was thinking: After a tough break-up at the onset of the apocalypse, Jack, a loser with nothing going for him, is finally free. In the old world, Jack had to worry about a dead end job, paying bills, and picking up his dirty clothes. But now? Jack is free. He loves the apocalypse. Best thing to ever happen to him. He thrives in a world where he can just go around killing zombies, and not worry about the stresses that the old world provided. He lives on his own terms. Still, he’s lonely. And the girl he loves, Staci, wants nothing to do with him, because, even in the apocalypse, being a selfish loser is still a turnoff. He wants to woo Zoey, but he needs to learn to grow up, and make sacrifices to get the thing he truly covets above all else. I want this to be pretty much a classic rom-com character arc. But also provide ancillary motivations and more background. Throughout the story, we learn that Jack was absolutely devastated by the break-up. He felt alone and isolated. Just another thing that made him the loser he was. Change is hard. Doubly-so when that change has to fundamentally change who you are as a person. So he doubled-down, and became more of the person that made his wife leave him. In the apocalypse, this is great. He's free to do what he wants, when he wants. There's no one there to bitch about his dirty clothes being on the floor, or him losing yet another job. But the funny thing about relationships is that, even during the zombie apocalypse, women still want men who have their shit together. Jack must learn to let go of his total autonomy, and start sacrificing the things he WANTS, to get the things he NEEDS, like a loving partner. I want there to be plenty of twists and turns along the way. For example, they didn't actually break-up at the onset of the apocalypse. It was a couple years before it, and he was just wasting away being a loser for those couple of years. When this lie is discovered, it causes a rift between him and the girl he loves. So he realizes he needs to change to heal the rift, and win her heart. All this said, it kinda goes downhill at the end anyways. The actual story itself has to do with them needing to bring an item to a warlord that is holding their dog captive in order to save him. They do, and all is going well, but Jack uses his newfound sense of sacrifice to make a bold decision: this item that this warlord wants is incredibly dangerous in the wrong hands. He can't let him have it. It would cause untold damage to lots of people. The old Jack would just take his dog, and that's the end. But the new Jack tries to stop the warlord, and his dog ends up dying in the process, sending him spiraling into an uncontrollable rage. And that's the end, lol.
Now, the other idea I've toyed with is one where Jack is actually a thief, rather than a bounty hunter. His dog is taken as leverage so he'll steal from Herzog, who he wouldn't otherwise cross. Only thing is, I'm not sure how they'd locate his dog to steal, or how the wife would be involved. But it better fits the whole "no bills, no cleaning up messes, and no *bosses* narrative. It'd also nip the whole "why choose Zoey" problem in the butt. I mean, I could just eliminate the ex-wife character outright, but I don't like that, as it doesn't force him to confront his past mistakes. I need a way for his ex-wife to be located by the warlord that takes his dog. Additionally, I need a way for her to find Jack. In the current version, she steals from Herzog, and a bounty is put on her. Jack is the bounty hunter that finds her. But with Jack being in on the plan to steal, I need a new idea for a reunion.
Haven't touched this script since my last post. Still looking for ideas, if you guys have any! I'm really leaning towards him being a thief, and honestly, not really worrying about how the wife/dog were found (it's a movie, and people will suspend their disbelief). Just very daunting to have to rewrite it all after I've already typed 60 pages. AND all my jokes -_-
All these months later, still trying to figure out Staci and Mick, lol. Jack is still the selfish loser that needs to learn self-sacrifice to get with Staci. Zoey feels helpless because she allowed their dog to be kidnapped. Andy needs to get over his anger issues and find peace. But not sure about Mick and Staci. Originally, it was that Mick feels he has nothing to live for after he accidentally killed his daughter, and he needs to realize that Jack and his friends are his family, and he does have something to live for. Staci, meanwhile, moved around from foster home to foster home most of her life, so nothing feels permanent to her, and she's afraid of getting too close to people. She needs to learn to let her guard down, rather than trying to just avoid heartbreak. I liked these originally, but realized that Mick's and Staci's realizations both have to do with realizing they're already part of a family, and I was wanting a bit more differentiation there. I was thinking of keeping Staci's need to be a part of a family, perhaps, but making it so that Mick's issue instead is that he feels survivor's guilt for what happened to his daughter, and thinks he deserves to die. On the outside, he simply has a dark sense of humor. Inside, he hates himself, and wants to die. Maybe with the help of Andy (who uses Buddhism to help get over his anger), he learns to forgive himself. I dunno...thoughts?
