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  1. Johnathon B Cook

    Johnathon B Cook New Member

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    Dialogue Critique?

    Discussion in 'Dialogue Development' started by Johnathon B Cook, Jan 27, 2022.

    Here's a little random scene I wrote for my characters and their interaction. Feel free to critique anything, especially dialogue. I am definitely fine and open with other sorts of critique as well, descriptive wording, vocabulary, punctuation, layout and so on. And note: The perspectives may be confusing because the only point of view that is showing is the reader's or spectator, not any of the characters. Like a screenplay. Apologies for that. That's a mistake I noticed right away. I'll try and fix it later. I'm a beginner writer, as you can probably tell.


    Scene starts here.


    "Oho, look at you." A chipper voice echoed as a man strides out from the dim-lit hallway with Mason barely conscious and kneeling on the floor, eyes seeing doubles and vision as fuzzy as kitten's fur. The man spoke again.
    "Is it all coming together now? Or do my buddies need to hit your head a little harder?"

    Mason grunted as he wiped the blood from upon his nose, his face aching with purple. "So you want me to figure you out? Isn't that a little stupid?"

    Jobe wore a slow smile that crept on his lips, running a finger along the dusty edging of the walls. He rubbed his own fingers together, peering at them in playful thought before opening his grinning mouth to speak, turning his head and answering. "No. Sometimes the best secrets are hidden in plain sight. Can you imagine? Pondering on the meaningful assets of life, only to have truth directly looking at you in your face. It's hilarious!" He chortled softly, leaning his head to the side. "People just do what they are told, believe what is said. Just because you have eyes, doesn't mean you can see, Mason."

    "Yeah, but now I am aware of who-- what you are. Aren't you afraid that I will go and tell just....anyone? Oh, wait, You're probably just gonna kill me. Classic move. Ah. You're so predictable" Mason sneered with a tone dripping of snark, his aching eyeballs rolling to the side in loathing. His disgruntled expression shifted to a look of slight confusion and annoyance intermingled as a peal of sudden boisterous laughter filled the air, slowly looking over at the dark-haired man.

    Jobe wiped a tear from his eye with a fading chuckle. "No, you babbling nimrod! Ahah- Why would I do that? Seriously? How many Mcbeth plays have you witnessed?"
    This would strike Mason as a bit more baffled but he stayed aware of his mind chess.

    "I am not worried in the slightest about your tattling. Your little 'Oh, that Jobe chap! He is just so awful! Part of a global order where they feed on the blood of babes-' Ah...They won't believe you." Upon the last few words, his expression would immediately change to a deadpan look with an uninterrupted stare.

    "You'd be surprised. One loose cog can tear your whole system down." Mason gritted his teeth, slowly urging forth the energy to beat this bastard to a pulp.

    "Well, that's cute. You sound like those self-righteous activists. Go on. Do it. Rebel! See what your little gang can accomplish by burning a few buildings, slaughtering a few people, bringing about destruction, and blah, blah, blah. You're only doing what we've been doing for centuries." Jobe spoke with a sort of Cheshire grin and as he'd shrug. "You're not special, kid. Don't drown in your own ego there."

    "You're a fine one to talk about ego. Preaching about how undefeatable you are in front of me like some kind of monologuing mustache-twirling twat. But please. I am listening. Spill more words about your dastardly plans why don't you." Mason spoke mockingly with a smug smirk as he slowly stood up with a faltering stumble.
     
  2. evild4ve

    evild4ve Critique is stranger than fiction Supporter Contributor

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    I couldn't tell what was going on. It might be said: "It's just a short, out-of-context scene," but in that case it's one that isn't reinforcing its context.

    Related to this, I couldn't distinguish the characters easily. Jobe is beating up Mason, I think. Two wise-cracking hard-man types: I don't care who wins.
    I don't know the reason for the conflict, or what the stakes are. It might have been established in an earlier scene - but readers need the important stuff repeating frequently, because they only really take in a small % of the words on the page. I'd suggest to bring the dialogue back to the characters' stakes more often: the reader needs to be walked round the table to look at both their hands of cards. If there's interrogation and torture, the reader gets a VIP tour of it.

    On being confronted with distressing situations, readers try to relate them to what they know from the research (i.e. reading+media+real life). So for me, they're two East End gangsters. Some of the text suggests they might be anarchist vampires - but I can't stand to see two human beings hurting each other without supplying reasons why, so for me they become East End gangsters.

    But the dialogue then suffers: because East End gangsters, and all the other types of violent criminal I've encountered (on TV or in video games or in documentaries) don't talk like this. There's too many whole sentences, and too many clever quips for this to seem like a relatable gang beating. If I broke someone's nose, and they replied "So you want me to figure you out? Isn't that a little stupid?" I'm not sure what I'd do, but I suspect I'd think I hadn't hurt them enough and hit them again. Yes. In fact, I'd keep hitting them in the nose until all they could say was "Ddddurgh! Dot agen! Dot agen! Doh bore! Preeze!"

    =====

    I personally hate dialogue beats and don't do them. But I think there are some almost theatrical ones here that run against the tension. I'd suggest to go through and pare back examples like these:-

    "Oho, look at you." A chipper voice echoed
    In a book, a character's voice is silent - there is only the illusion of sound in the reader's mind. And so a speaker's voice is only chipper if the writer creates that illusion through word-choice and phrasing. And I think "Oho, look at you." is pretty good actually for chipper.

    He chortled softly, leaning his head to the side.
    This is a visual image, but like above with the voices having no sound, the only image is the one in the reader's mind (not the writer's).
    This image of Jobe chortling softly and learning his head to one side... I have to use some mental energy to construct, which pulls me away from the dialogue - but then I also have to interpret it. He doesn't take being beaten up seriously? He wishes to appear he doesn't take being beaten up seriously? He leans his head to convey disdain? He leans his head to avoid nose-blood dripping on his shirt? etc

    Mason sneered with a tone dripping of snark
    Mason spoke mockingly with a smug smirk

    Similar to the first one, but these are also telling the reader how to interpret

    =====

    As an exercise, I thought it might be interesting to see what this passage looks like as dialogue-only. That might throw up non-sequiturs or unnatural speech, or otoh it might seem more impactful:-

    Maybe it's both. I feel some of the dialogue doesn't follow what the last person said - but a way to test this is to get a family member to play one of the parts. If it's good dialogue, they'll be drawn into the role and instinctively understand why they said each line.
     
  3. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Work for critique can only be posted in the Workshop and only after you've satisfied your 2 for 1 critique requirements. Satisfy those, and I will unlock this thread and move it into the workshop.
     
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