I mean, I certainly think I do. On some level, that has to mean something, right? But I wouldn't be the first person to spend their life thinking they wanted to write only to at some point realize "I don't" or "I can't". For the longest time, I could never see myself doing anything but writing. In spite of that, it's amazing how many excuses I make up specifically not to -- "this isn't good enough" and so I'm discouraged, or "I'm tired" and so I'll do it sometime else or whatever -- and media would have you believe this is proof that you don't want to write that book. I don't really do any of the things other writers do. I don't -- or can't -- base my work in some kind of reality I know. I don't think about people as deeply as other writers seem to, and I don't think about my locales as deeply as other writers seem to. I don't research the daily life, I can't find inspiration in the off-kilter or the bizarre. Often times for long stretches of "I will write" my journal is just a blank, white reminder that I'm either not good enough or don't care enough. I don't have the "process" other writers do, and I don't have the habits. I don't dedicate all the same time doing all the same things other writers talk about doing. And a lot of times it feels like I'm on a totally different mental wavelength, and at the end of the day it feels like it comes back and bites me in the ass when I finally sit down to write. I rarely finish anything. It's never up to my standard; never good enough. Sometimes I'll force myself to finish something, but the ending will come short and fast. Maybe once in a blue moon I'll write a first paragraph that's really got me invested in what I'm writing and keep on going at a breakneck pace and I'll look back and everything after it was just a messy rush to the conclusion. I never have the heart to revise. It just falls into my abyss of untouched projects or I'll delete it. I can't lose myself in a scene. It's become more like a meticulous process than an art sometimes. I don't fall away into some mind-stage of the picture I'm trying to paint, I don't emote, resonate or feel with my characters, I can't see the things they see from their perspective. It feels like I'm writing scientifically, almost, or reasonably -- logistically. "Of course they would act like this" or "I need them to act like this". When I sit down and think about all of these things as symptoms, I wonder if I really don't want to write like I think I do. I always think about writing, talk about writing, but I never write. I'm always discouraged. I always find some way to be discouraged. I always find some way to hate what I write. Will I ever know if I really want to write? Is it possible to know, really?